Online dating and just turned 40

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2013
Online dating and just turned 40
5
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 4:57pm

I joined a paid online dating site and already cancelled it to not renew.

I just turned 40 on 2/22 and like younger men usually (late 20's to llate 30's).

The majority of men on this dating site that are attractive and not attractive to me have their "cut off" age from 35 to 39. They won't touch 40. This is very depressing and makes me feel hopeless in finding a good, attractive guy.

I am a pretty, youthful looking, tall redhead and they see my pictures but because I am 40, don't bother.

Any advice or has anyone experienced this? If so, what did you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 8:14pm

In reality I don't think that many men in their late 20's really want to date a 40 yr old woman.  there are certain specialty dating sites that cater to older women/younger men (but I've never used them so I don't know how they are.)  I'm 55 and I can tell you that many men my age would be happy to date you.  There aren't that many men who are even willing to date a woman their own age, it seems, so it's really going to be hard to get a younger man.  I would also say that trying to meet men IRL instead of on line could work better for you if you are pretty & young looking.  Obviously if you meet someone IRL it would be rude for the guy to come right out & ask you how old you are.  I was thinking about that when I met a man at a dance--we started talking about what high schools we went to and he said "of course I'm much older than you."  Ha!  It turned out that I am one year older than he is--now maybe if that guy was on line, he wouldn't even look at my profile cause in his mind he might think that he wants a woman at least 5 yrs younger.  People on line have a preconceived idea in their minds already and maybe won't budge too much from that.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 8:31am

I agree with what Musiclover has said, but wanted to add a few thoughts.

First of all, I'm not sure how long you've been on, but I would say give it some time. Some people get really lucky right off the bat, but most do not. You have to have really thick skin to do OLD and remember to not take things personally.

Just as in real life, many men want much younger women. I think it's particularly true on dating sites. They figure, "What the hell, I might as well ask for what I want." But just because they want a younger woman doesn't mean they will get a younger woman. Yes, there does seem to be this magic cut-off, and many people lie about their age to "get in under the wire" and then state in their profile that they are actually older. Of course, many people simply lie about their age and never 'fess up. I see men who are clearly lying about their age and I think it's pathetic.

I also think that many people have an unrealistic view of how young they look. It's hard to be objective. Plus, it's really all in the eye of the beholder. And, some people don't photograph well. Of course, many people use photos that are over 10 years old, which I also think is pathetic. Like when you meet, you don't think the other person is going to notice?

I've done OLD for a few years, taking breaks occassionally. I haven't met "the one" but I have met some very decent, normal guys. I get contacted by much older men, but I also hear from men my age as well. Ideally I would like someone my age. It's not so much about looks but that I want someone who understands my cultural references. I also don't want a man who is already retired (I'm 58) but I would consider it. I just think we'd be in really different places in our lives.

You might wish to consider contacting men on the site you are interested in. Even if their upper limit is 39, contact them anyway. I wouldn't even reference your age in your contacting email, don't say anything like, "I know I'm older than what you are looking for." It's all in the photo anyway. If he likes your photo, I guarantee he will answer back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 03-10-2013 - 10:37am

OLD is a lot of work and sifting through a lot of sand before you find the treasure. I met my husband online, but only after going on dates with about 30 different men before finding the one who was right for me. I was 45 at the time, and had a lot of younger men contacting me, but I wasn't comfortable dating someone more than 7 years younger. My recommendation is to try meetups.com. If you don't know what that its, it's local groups that meet in your area (plug in your city/zip code). Some are for singles in a particular age group. Some are open to everyone. They post meetups for kayaking, hiking , bowling, attending festivals, etc. Men and women show up in a large group, so there's less pressure than one on one dating. You might also try dance lessons, cooking classes, volunteer work and attending workshops at Home Depot or Lowes. Get yourself out in the world to meet more men. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Tue, 03-12-2013 - 12:38am

Yes, one disadvantage of internet dating as opposed to meeting people in person is that you won't even be considered if you don't meet specific criteria such as age range. The advantage of meeting men in face-to-face settings is that they can see you look younger than your age--and won't even know your age to begin with. A number of people lie about their age online, but that is also problematic. When I was single, a woman lying on her profile was an automatic dealbreaker for me. What could I trust her about after that?

You also need to find the right website. Different sites get different clienteles. I know when I was single I had markedly better results at some sites than others. You might do better with an internet dating service specializing in "cougars" and youger men who want older women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2000
Fri, 04-12-2013 - 4:45pm

Girl, jus turned 40 myself 2/17, and joined that site as well. What I am finding is that I am getting hits by my non preferred choices. OR have a lot of guys keep viewing my profile but no action. i also put on there, pls no one over the age of 45, thats because my dad is 56 and its just too close for comfort, what do you know, I get 60+ year old guys!

I am also trying to find other avenues to find decent men, im tired of the bar scene ( i have tons of stories), I just want to find a normal man that is not a poser on that site trying to scam people.

Good luck to you and keep us updatated!