online dating & physical attractiveness

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
online dating & physical attractiveness
23
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 8:52am
You are contacted by someone online and their profile looks promising - but you don't find him/her physically attractive. Their looks don't turn you off but - they don't exactly turn you on either. Would you still consider potentially dating the person?

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 9:31am
Hi jhoover,

That depends. I'd look at what he has to say in his profile, and how he says it. If I felt we might be compatible from that, I might consider dating him.

But then, bear in mind that I have a slightly warped view on attractiveness, I think. When I first meet a man, I form an opinion on his attractiveness. However, once I get to know him, I find it nearly impossible to separate out how I think he looks physically and what I think of him as a person. If he's average looking but a great guy, kind, treats people well - then he looks better and better to me the more I get to know him. If he's really hot but a jerk - then he looks more homely the more I see of his unattractive personality.

So . . . besides his picture, do you see things you like in his profile? Sounds like you do. If so, what harm is there in writing back and meeting him for coffee? Good luck! :-)

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 10:57am
I would consider potentially meeting that person - would know nothing about whether to date the person till we meet. Pictures are often deceiving - sometimes the man looks better in person sometimes not. I sometimes have a slight attraction to a picture but since I need to see his eyes and how he makes eye contact with me - I wouldn't know much about attraction in person till we meet. There have been some men who completely turn me off from their photos - either they have long hair, aren't well groomed, look shifty eyed, took half naked pictures (ewl), or are hugely obese.
Avatar for thousandays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 12:54pm
pictures are often not a very good representation. Some people are just not photogenic. It would all depend on how well you liked his profile and if you feel like giving it a chance. If you want to give coffee a go, it could be good. Some details in photos are dealbreakers for me, some aren't. I might give it a chance if it's just a matter of ambivalence toward the photo.
thousandays
Avatar for kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 2:27pm
Definitely meet for coffee. Before I met my husband, he sent me his picture and I just wasn't attracted to him. I decided not to meet with him, but he kept insisting that we meet. I gave in and we met. He didn't even look like his picture (just not photogenic I guess)and of course we went on to get married.

You never know ;)

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 3:10pm
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Oh...I actually wasn't referring to anyone specific. I was just throwing the question out there because of general curiosity. :-)

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 6:28am


...how different people are.... You may find it very strange, but I find long-hair in men incredibly sexy, and a huge turn-on - the longer the better, and I prefer it dyed blue-black or dark-red... in fact, short hair just doesn't do anything for me at all... I haven't dated a short-haired bloke in the last 12 years... the same goes for a conventional dress-sense: I cannot stand suits, work-shirts and ties, or anything in colour, and adore the gothic/alternative look for a bloke - leather/pvc trousers, velvet/silk black frilly shirts and long black leather coats...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 7:48am
That's interesting - for me attractiveness also has to do with whether there would be potential for a long term relationship leading to marriage. I am sure there are examples of men you described that I would agree are attractive, but I would never feel comfortable with that person's lifestyle, nor would he feel comfortable with mine, and typically we would have different values - I do have some male friends - artists - who have long hair - and certainly have good values, etc. but I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying an artist (unless he practiced his art more as a hobby) because of the high risk for financial instability. As far as the gothic look, that sounds more like something my 16 year old niece goes for and dresses like - I do have one or two friends who are pagan and I guess some of them dress like that - interesting to look at, interesting people to talk to - aboslutely not datable for someone like me and they wouldn't want me either probably for the same reasons.

so, purely sexy - sure, long hair can be fine - but who I would find attractive to date - whole idfferent story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 12:23pm
again, all I can say is - tastes differ...I'm 32, not 16, and I just don't see how conventional look can be found in any way attractive...but that's probably because I'm very much into gothic music and culture, and I do not see how I could date anyone for who Type O Negative would mean a blood group... stability and security are important, and I crave them as much as the next 30+ female..alas, 'suits' with money and secure jobs have never been my scene, and I'd rather share my life with a stunning and clever unemployed guitarist in a gothic band who'd make me crasy than a solvent 'i'm like everyone else around me' accountant with a pension plan, the sort you look at and think 'ugh don't think so'...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:03pm
Wow - quite narrow minded - I guess you don't know the people I do - who are professionals by day and artists the rest of the time - like my on again off again bf - corporate lawyer/lighting/set designer/photographer, or my friend's husband - corporate lawyer/lead singer in a rock band - the list goes on and on - my best friend - social worker/painter - those are the people that impress me the most and it is why most of my charitable contributions go to the arts (another good reason to have a stable job - you can give to causes you believe in and the arts sure are suffering these days).

My sister, until she married was an actress and singer and hung out with the types of people you describe but made the choice when she married and wanted to have children to marry a man with a stable career - not saying at all that that should be your choice, I just hope your choice isn't based on some tired old stereotypes about boring accountants or narrow minded lawyers, etc. - I base my choice on hanging out with artists, and gothic types, etc at various points in my life (grew up and live in NYC) - and knowing that for me they wouldn't be appropriate choices for romantic relationships as opposed to friendships. And, those who are serious about pursuing their art typically do not have time or the motivation for a long term relationship leading to marriage and children - their art is a selfish mistress and has to come first if they are going to make it at all - and that I understand completely just wouldn't want to be involved romantically with someone like that.

Community Leader
Registered: 03-17-2003
Tue, 10-14-2003 - 1:15pm

I concur.

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