Online Man..telling Truth or Lies?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Online Man..telling Truth or Lies?
7
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 9:17am
I have a question for all of those out there currently in an Online relationship. I met a man online..6 months back & clicked from the start, we talk daily, and keep in contact however we can. We have finally decided to take things to the next level & meet to spend sometime together to see if the chemistry is really there. Heres the problem, he has met many women on the internet in his past, and has had many real life relationships with them. This Is a hard one to accept, but i figure We have both dated in our past and it isnt fair to hold that against one another. Well lately ive been noticing he is in chats again, when he "didnt" think i was around. Ill ask why, he will say im "bored" WHICH leaves me to wonder if he is carousing the internet again for the possibility of meeting other women? Why else would a man do this? He says he has tons of women friends from his past in which he keeps in touch with, and its nothing more than just that. That im the one he is intrigued with..etc. You get the picture..Im not a naive person by any means and this is would be my "first" encounter with actually meeting someone online, so should i follow my gut..which tells me he is up to "no good", or just be acceptant and believe all that he tells me? If history repeats itself, Im in trouble, but i know if i let this relationship go the next level..with knowing all this, ill set myself up to be hurt in the long run. Does anyone have any comments or similar stories to share? Ide love to her back!

Thanks!

Amanda

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 1:42pm

I guess my question is, why *wouldn't* he do this???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 2:47pm
Hi Amanda-

You've been chatting with a man for 6 months an have never met? Why not?

I agree with northwest-- you're not in a relationship, you're "penpals", you're not committed, and you've not even met-- what do you expect from him?

Further: why must there be an either/or?

You say your gut says he's "no good" ....or.... you can "belive all"?

Believe SOME, be cautious, be smart, and remember you've never even MET this person.

What do you want and expect from this man, what does he want and expect from you, and what are you really looking to find? A fling, sex, marriage...?

Hey- what does this mean: "If history repeats itself, Im in trouble" ?? What history?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 12:04am
Since you have no commitment with him he is free to date and talk to whoever he wants. I would meet him for coffee during the day for an hour and realize that with respect to relationship potential he is a total stranger - the 6 months of typing and talking are largely irrelevant to whether you will click in person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 9:29am
Thanks for the input on this situation everyone! Its appreciated. After reading them all i could see i didnt get my original question accross very well. And yes your right. Noone owes anyone any kind of commitment online..(before meeting) The same applies in real life. I guess the "unknown" of online dating is all the more cautious, because you DONT know what someones really up too, as you would in your own town..and after meeting someone whom is a "regular" of sorts, with these relationships, perhaps that should have been a red flag to my situation.

I think its easy to take these relationships Too serious..moreso than they are, because when youve spent hours upon hours with someone like you do getting to know them, you cant help but get some kind of intimate feelings for them. And until your "together"..you never know, whom they really are. I was more curious to see if anyone out there has had a situation like this..and how they handled it. The more i think about mine, im rethinking the whole thing. Noone should have to doubt someones actions before they have met. If so, i think that is enough to "Red Flag" the entire relationship..and possibly end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 10:18am
I think the problem is that you call it "dating" when it is typing to someone and you are wrong - even in person, you don't know what people do when they are not with you - it's called trust and faith and if you lack that sense of trust and faith with a person then you don't have a healthy relationship with that person - if in person means you keep tabs on each other that's warden-inmate, not two adults in an intimate relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 9:08am
Thanks for the input but I dont feel im wrong. In my eyes people can clearly develop the start of a meaningful relationship while typing..( in an online relationship thats "all" you have!) its more intense than dating due to the fact your spending hours together daily getting to know the other person inside out..at a much faster rate you would if you actually went out from the start. People tend to be shy and protective when meeting others, but online we tend to share more and are less reserved, when getting to know the other person..But in any situation we need to always use caution..which is what brought me to these message boards..to see if anyone else had encountered a similar situation.

My views on keeping an eye on someone whose in town is a fact. The way you put it was clearly wrong, and very offensive. This man lives 3000 miles away..IF he chooses to start hooking up with old flames..he was once physically with, than he is not too serious. SAME rule applies to someone in your town..if you began talking to someone exclusively, and they started meeting with old girlfriends than they werent too trustworthy to begin with..Thats what i was trying to get accross. And "yes" trust and faith in a relationship are all we have..I agree with you there. Online dating is still kind of taboo to many people which is why we have these message boards..its very different from meeting someone in real life, thats a fact..But "Thanks" for your input. Its very helpful to get others views on all this!

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 10:23am
I do not agree with you. A relationship that has romantic potential needs consistent in person contact for at least 3-4 months to see if there is potential for a relationship - typing to someone gives the perception of reality - in a romantic context - but because of the feelings that are developing based on what is typed - romantic feelings - it is way too easy to believe what you're reading and to be blinded by those feelings -

I have several online friends that I have never met but because I am not looking for anything romantic and neither are they - they are women - then I agree that you can get to know someone to some degree by typing. However, when it comes to romance I do not believe that typing to someone or even talking by phone - if you spend no consistent in person time together - has any relevance to whether you will be compatible as a couple with romantic potential. Not because of looks, not because of sex - but because body language and presence and mannerisms and eye contact are all key components of a romantic relationship - let alone chemistry - and time spent in person is qualitatively and substnatively different from time spent typing and talking - for example, you have no idea how that person behaves to little old ladies, his mother, a dog in the street, a co-worker at a party, his boss when he bumps into him, in a religious setting, with his family, with his high school buddies, when he has the flu - and both people on line know deep down that they do not have to reveal any sides they choose not to reveal because they can just shut down the computer at any time - and they also know they can disappear so much more easily than with an in person relationship for the same period of time,

These issues are much less important and often not important at all - in a platonic friendship - also, because you might be blinded by in love feelings it is much easier to miss cues and clues and much easier for the other person to mislead or to hide behind a computer screen. (I think about the man I met in person who I clicked with so wonderfully on the phone - too bad his picture hid the half of his face that was deeply deformed and scarred, and the pathological liar who was so smooth on the phone, and the man who couldn't talk without covering his face with his hands, the many men who invaded my personal space across the table, the ones who couldn't make eye contact, the ones who were rude to the waiter, who were late because of needing an insulin injection (oops, forgot to tell me I guess about the diabetes that he doesn't take care of), the two who met me wearing sunglasses and hats that they did not care to remove, etc - I can go on and on - and as I said there have been very pleasant surprises as well but never the same as the on line persona) Add to that the higher percentage of people on line who are on line - as opposed to meeting in real life - because they have something to hide. Out of the 50 men I have met in person from first having contact on line the vast majority were nothing like their email or on line personas - as I said - which was not always bad and sometimes was in fact positive - many times we had wonderful chemistry on line and in emails (although I never email more than a few times, and don't IM more than once or twice prior to meeting) but in person was a whole different story - sometimes on my side, sometimes on his sometimes both. The vast majority of men who email me - and there have been hundreds - agree that on line communication prior to meeting is largely irrelevant and that it is important to meet in person - the tiny minority who have not agreed either were so painfully shy that I could never see how we would get along in real life, or were lying about their marital status.

As far as being able to keep tabs on someone who lives in your town - oh, please - just think about all the affairs that go on where the couple live in the same house and sleep in the same bed - my last long term boyfriend who I am now dating lives 10 blocks away and I have no idea what he is up to nor do I care - because I always trusted him and he was always loyal - the minute I feel I need to keep tabs on someone is the minute i know the relationship is unhealthy - and I never have been in a relationship like that because of that knowledge.

Yes, there are success stories of people who typed to each other for many months/years and then fell in love - my take on that is that they would have fallen in love anyway had they met in person in the first place and all that typing and talking may have given an unrealistic sense of familiarity or helped them get over whatever issues they had about meeting but was largely irrelevant to whether they will work out in person. Realize that my perspective is someone who is looking for a relationship leading to marriage - if I wanted a fling or to have cyber sex or just an email pal I think on line communication is a fine way to have any of those things, just a vast waste of time for me.