From online to real date to dumped!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
From online to real date to dumped!
15
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:45pm

I guess after one starts dating the person one met online, one should move over to another message board, like The Single Life. However, I had posted here a month ago about meeting two very different men in one weekend, so I am just going to continue that thread (not about the jerk who hid in the bathroom--the other one!).

"M" and I had hardly emailed at all before we went on an afternoon date (in January) of browsing and shopping, but then we knew that we had a basic philosophy in common--I would have met him anyhow, because, coincidentally, I had just joined a social/discussion group that he had started (joined online, but the group meets IRL). I felt very attracted to him. We met a couple of times at the above-mentioned group meetings; he drove me home, we went for a romantic walk down the street. Eventually, we had a second weekend afternoon date, again browsing through antique shops, having lunch, and necking in the park (!)

In our few meetings and phone conversations, we'd gotten quite intimate--not physically, but in our discussions of our personal physical problems. You see, I have a longstanding problem which I hope will get resolved within a month or two (now that I have medical insurance and treatment possibilities). Frankly, if it weren't for this problem, I'd have been in the sack with somebody long before now, in spite of all the advice to WAIT, because after *years of celibacy*, I am...(oh, pick your own crude word or phrase!).

HE, on the other hand, not only confessed that he suffers from HERPES, he always seems to be sick with one thing or the other. The herpes thing made me very nervous, as even after reading all about "safe sex," I fear contracting it, and at this point in my life (with the other problems) it would just be too much for me to handle. But I was still thinking about him as a possible future sex partner, as I really do like him.

Well, M asked me out for V-day, and boy, was I surprised and excited! A Valentine's date! I was busy on the weekend before (a date activity and a non-date activity) and then I realized that he hadn't called. When I called him after getting home from work on the 14th--he said he was sick. How so? Well, it seems he took some herbs to counteract a bad reaction to his protein powder, and the herbs made him ill.......Well, I didn't want to seem callous, so I sat in my kitchen chatting with him over the phone...for an hour and a half.

He thought he'd be better on Tuesday, but when I called on Tuesday, he was still not feeling well. Maybe Wednesday...forget it, I said, I just am not THAT spontaneous. I hung up.

He wasn't at the group get-together that Thursday, so I figured he was still sick. I didn't want to seem callous, did I? So a few days later I sent him a get-well message complete with pictures (copied off another website) by email. No response.

It began to sink in that he had been quite rude not to call me and say that he was sick. I mentioned the situation on another message forum and one woman responded: "What was the matter...did he suddenly become allergic to the phone or forgot how to dial?"

The proper thing to do would be not only to CALL, but to sound SAD--"Oh, I miss you. I wish I weren't sick."

So by the time I received his message, I was ticked off:

He wrote:
"It seems pretty obvious that my health is not going to set well with you.
What feelings I had for you just don't seem to be there now."

I replied:

"Good luck finding someone who doesn't mind being stood up. It's just a matter of common courtesy to call and cancel, you know.
If you don't see me at some events coming up, it may be that I am having some treatments.
In other words, I am not trying to avoid you.
But you probably should get healthier before you look for a girlfriend.
And you should probably read some etiquette books as well."

So this is why WE WOMEN get dumped first--we are trying too hard to be NICE!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:49pm
Cool story - but you had me at Herpes...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:07pm

Yup, me too. How would one get around that?

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:13pm
Call me shallow, but any type of communicable sexual disease would be a major downer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:30pm
My God - you are too nice.
He can keep his herpes to himself. Gross.



Edited 2/28/2005 10:31 pm ET ET by ivos2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:36pm

<>

What was nice about that? It's a plain language buh-buy.

Just as well. Health problems are icky. Especially the ones down there.

What was your question?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 11:31pm
yep, reading the same part, I thought you dumped him first - you don't realize what you had told him? Just pick up a healthy guy - less trouble.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:09am

Hi,

I am not sure which issue I am More at "issue" with--the health or the rude attitude he has! IF I had that many problems, but I met a sweet, pretty, Considerate person such as You, I would Surely thank my lucky stars that you Cared enough to call and ask about me and my health, and showed not only empathy, but Extreme patience!

My best friend Did sleep with a man she dated OLD that had herpes, she was drunk, it 'happened', luckily, with protection, but trust me, we both agonized and were sweating until she took two tests, 1 month apart, to determine that she did not contract it! A GIANT "Whew! was heard across this Great State!!!

No worries if people have problems to overcome, but do Not use them as "excuses" to be UGLY!

Ding....Next!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:36am

I don't have herpes, but I'm going to stand up here for the people that DO.

(Side note: this guy in question, "M", is a nitwit. Not for the health issues and not for the herpes, but just for his actions.)

Herpes is a tough one. You can have it and never suffer from it. You can be "shedding" the virus (ie, contagious) without knowing it. Many people have been exposed to it and never get it (I'm one- an old gf of mine had oral herpes and we lived together for some time, so I'm sure I was exposed, but I never got it) and some people have outbreaks all the time.

Herpes can infect you and be spread from... hmmm, let me put this delicately. It can be on areas of the body that are NOT covered by condoms, let's put it that way. So you can have "safe" sex and still spread/get herpes.

Herpes is not, nor should it be, a sentence of doom, IMO. It's nasty and ugly and nobody wants to get it, but frankly if I met the love of my life and she had herpes (actually, I already lived with that situation) it wouldn't stop me.

That said... if you're someone who already has health issues, or immunity issues, then someone who has herpes is probably not an ideal partner for you.

But it's not nearly as horrible as some here have made it sound, IMO. My gf got it shortly before we started dating, and would occasionally get cold sores from time to time. Avoided kissing until it was all cleared up, and as far as I know (knock knock knock on wood) I never got it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 5:31am
The gift that keeps on giving..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:15am
Thank you for your statement. I also know several people with herpes, oral or genital and they are beautiful, loving, successful people. My one friend used to get cold sores, but they stopped some years ago. A guyfriend with it has had no symptoms and only found it when his girlfriend tested postive. They say 1 in 4 adults has it so, you will run into it again. What they told me was the emotional stigma and people's reaction to it is far worse than the disease.

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