From online to real date to dumped!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
From online to real date to dumped!
15
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 9:45pm

I guess after one starts dating the person one met online, one should move over to another message board, like The Single Life. However, I had posted here a month ago about meeting two very different men in one weekend, so I am just going to continue that thread (not about the jerk who hid in the bathroom--the other one!).

"M" and I had hardly emailed at all before we went on an afternoon date (in January) of browsing and shopping, but then we knew that we had a basic philosophy in common--I would have met him anyhow, because, coincidentally, I had just joined a social/discussion group that he had started (joined online, but the group meets IRL). I felt very attracted to him. We met a couple of times at the above-mentioned group meetings; he drove me home, we went for a romantic walk down the street. Eventually, we had a second weekend afternoon date, again browsing through antique shops, having lunch, and necking in the park (!)

In our few meetings and phone conversations, we'd gotten quite intimate--not physically, but in our discussions of our personal physical problems. You see, I have a longstanding problem which I hope will get resolved within a month or two (now that I have medical insurance and treatment possibilities). Frankly, if it weren't for this problem, I'd have been in the sack with somebody long before now, in spite of all the advice to WAIT, because after *years of celibacy*, I am...(oh, pick your own crude word or phrase!).

HE, on the other hand, not only confessed that he suffers from HERPES, he always seems to be sick with one thing or the other. The herpes thing made me very nervous, as even after reading all about "safe sex," I fear contracting it, and at this point in my life (with the other problems) it would just be too much for me to handle. But I was still thinking about him as a possible future sex partner, as I really do like him.

Well, M asked me out for V-day, and boy, was I surprised and excited! A Valentine's date! I was busy on the weekend before (a date activity and a non-date activity) and then I realized that he hadn't called. When I called him after getting home from work on the 14th--he said he was sick. How so? Well, it seems he took some herbs to counteract a bad reaction to his protein powder, and the herbs made him ill.......Well, I didn't want to seem callous, so I sat in my kitchen chatting with him over the phone...for an hour and a half.

He thought he'd be better on Tuesday, but when I called on Tuesday, he was still not feeling well. Maybe Wednesday...forget it, I said, I just am not THAT spontaneous. I hung up.

He wasn't at the group get-together that Thursday, so I figured he was still sick. I didn't want to seem callous, did I? So a few days later I sent him a get-well message complete with pictures (copied off another website) by email. No response.

It began to sink in that he had been quite rude not to call me and say that he was sick. I mentioned the situation on another message forum and one woman responded: "What was the matter...did he suddenly become allergic to the phone or forgot how to dial?"

The proper thing to do would be not only to CALL, but to sound SAD--"Oh, I miss you. I wish I weren't sick."

So by the time I received his message, I was ticked off:

He wrote:
"It seems pretty obvious that my health is not going to set well with you.
What feelings I had for you just don't seem to be there now."

I replied:

"Good luck finding someone who doesn't mind being stood up. It's just a matter of common courtesy to call and cancel, you know.
If you don't see me at some events coming up, it may be that I am having some treatments.
In other words, I am not trying to avoid you.
But you probably should get healthier before you look for a girlfriend.
And you should probably read some etiquette books as well."

So this is why WE WOMEN get dumped first--we are trying too hard to be NICE!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 7:51pm

Thanks to all for your comments, especially to Cupcake, Niceguy, and CL214. After reading up on herpes, I did learn that a vast number of people have it nowadays, and everything that niceguy said is true (about herpes, and about my ex-boyfriend "M" being a nitwit! LOL).

No, I didn't have a definite question. I just wanted to share (I mean, vent) and get your reactions, so thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 12:54am
All you folks who are sneering at herpes-----I hate to tell you this, but 1 in 4 of you has it. Most people who have it are unaware that they carry it. Every time you have sex with a new person there is a 25% chance that that individual has genital herpes. And the odds are that even if they know they have it, they won't tell you because of shame. The best thing I can say about the guy under discussion here is that he told her that he has herpes. That took a level of guts and honesty that many people would not be able to muster. In my book, he scores points for that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:32am

Wow NGOL-That was an excellent post. Very well written. Although I do not have Herpes, I do have a girlfriend that does. She is beautiful, smart, and a very classy girl. She actually had it for years before she found out she had it.

There is literature that says 80% of people have some form of the Herpes virus. The only difference between Types I and Types II are where they are located.

As NGOL said, one can have it and never know it. Outbreaks are very rare. Having said that...I also add, that having this type of virus does not make one an undesirable person and certainly not undatable. She dates more than I do.

I also applaud the person who initially posted for not letting that be an issue. Now his rudeness that is something else.

I guess I like you today NGOL!!

Jodie




Edited 3/2/2005 11:39 am ET ET by truewild1969

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:16pm

Hi you all,

I had to respond to this one. I will step up here and say I DO have herpes -- for 25 years now. And ya know what? It's a skin condition, nothing more. I've had paper cuts that gave me more grief. The posters who quoted the stats are correct -- it's at least one in four, and possibly more like one in three people who have it these days. I give that guy credit for talking about it early on -- it's a really, really tough conversation to have -- witness the reactions of some posters. It's likely most of you have had a partner at least once who had it and either did or didn't know it. Eighty percent of the population has been exposed.

You should know it's very, very easy to prevent transmission when you're informed. My husband of 12 years did not have it, and we never used condoms, and he never got it from me. I had a normal pregnancy and vaginal delivery, no complications. It should never stand in the way of being with somebody you love. It simply is not a big deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 4:30pm

Hi Sposabella,

My sister also has it and contracted it from her husband who cheated on her at the time, since she had never been with anyone but him. He admitted to the affair, they did counseling and somehow worked it out and stayed together. They have 2 lovely children (6 and 8) which were vaginal births luckily as she didn't have any outbreaks at those times. At first it was kind of weird since I never knew anyone with it. There is no "type" of person that has it and more women are getting things from their cheating husbands...pretty sad when you think you are safe in a marriage.

The last year I was married, my ex was cheating on me and so I got tested for EVERYTHING after the divorce, and was so relieved when the results were all negative. He had had a vasectomy years before and I doubt would ever wear a condom, so I was worried.

I'm glad that having it has not been a problem for you. It hasn't been much of a problem for my sister either, except for occasional outbreaks which are helped with medication. Thanks for sharing with us.

Sunshine

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