Online Relationship - Advice Needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Online Relationship - Advice Needed
6
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 2:11pm
Hi everyone,

I've been reading these boards for a while now but never found the need to post, so well, heres the 1st one =)

Wel the problems is I've met this guy on the internet and we get along really really well, ive known him for 10 months now, we had been talking for 2 months on and off before i realised i liked him, i told him this and he said he liked me too then we started talking everyday (unless something got in the way) from 7pm till something like 2am, so now your proberly thinking "fine whats the problem?". well the problem is that he has a girlfriend they have been going out for 2 years now i think, but this hasnt stopped him from talking to me, he says stuff like he wished we could be together, i wish we could too, i think i would have met him by now if he was single, so now im not sure if its worth carrying on with, but i know it sounds abit stupid but he does make me happy and i would really miss him if i did stop talking to him cos of this, but at the same time i dont expect him to break up with his girlfriend cos of me cos of lots of reasons and i would feel so guilty.

So i dunno wether to tell him we should stop or if i should carry on with it, but sometimes i get upset when he has to go cos he has to spend time with his girlfriend.

So anyway dunno what to do, hope some of you has some advice =)

Any advice would be really appriciated =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 5:25pm
Meeting people to date via the internet is usually only effective if you are using it solely as a means of introduction. Behind a computer screen people can be whoever they want. They can present themselves as older, younger, more successful, more attractive etc. than they really are. Some people may not lie but they may feel greater confidence thus appearing more charming, humourous, intelligent etc. as long as contact is relatively anonymous. Over time, while chatting online an idealized image of the other person may develop. Real emotions can come into play; however, true feelings based on reality and not fantasy cannot emerge until you actually spend time together face-to-face. There are stories about people carrying on online for months and then discovering that there is no chemistry when they actually meet. This is the first important thing to keep in mind.

The second thing to keep in mind is the fact that this young man has a girlfriend. This tells you two things: First, that he has no intention of meeting you. Chatting with you boosts his ego and telling you that he wishes you could be together ensures that you stay interested. Secondly, he is not being true to his girlfriend. Do you think she knows that he chats with you nightly from 7pm to 2am? I doubt it. This speaks volumes about his lack of integrity. You would never be able to truly trust him.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts.

jhoover21

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 1:51am
It's never a good idea to talk to a man that's already attached...especially if you're interested in him for other things besides friendship. The fact that he has girlfriend and is still talking to you saying he wishes you could meet and blah blah blah should be a big huge warning flag to STAY AWAY...lol. I mean, hypothetically speaking, what if he did dump his girlfriend of two years for you? One, he is on the rebound and what makes you think that he won't talk to other girls on line feeding them the same line? If he's doing it to her he'll most likely do it to you. Personally I think you should stop talking to him. He's making you happy now but in the long run I can most likely garauntee it will suck! You'll put yourself through the emotional wringer for no real reason. I know. I've been there and it is NOT fun. Especially if drops off the face of the planet either because he got bored or his girlfriend found out and then you suddenly realize what a fool you've been. Drop him now honey and find a guy who'll treat you the way you'd like to be treated, who is unattached and wants to find a nice girl to chat with:).

Good Luck!

M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 7:33pm
Hmmm... Ok, I will give those things some thought.

Thanks for taking the time to reply ! =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 9:49pm
Ok, welcome first of all!! Glad to see a new face here!

Well, I have some suggestions for you. You should really seek other outlets here. This man is with someone. If things were that serious between you two, then why not break it off with her and meet with you. I understand there is some obligation to his current gf, but do you not think you deserve more than what he is giving you. I think you are settling for 2nd best here. You deserve to be with someone that is going to put you first, not 2nd. If this is just a friendship, then please carry on, but if you are looking for more with this man, then you should make him aware of your feelings and work towards being together. My red flag would be this, why is he on line looking for someone else when he is in a relationship? This means he is not faithful and that would bring more questions up in my mind.

Goodluck and I hope you can come to a decision soon.

Gail:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 3:32am
WElcome woodstock.

Talking to a man online that long enough would certainly will make you attach to him and for sure you'll miss him if you stop talkin. But the questions are if you are his girlfriend do you think you would like him to talk to other girl online behind your back? of course not...right? Do you like to be just a passin-time? And for me, he is not sincere and loyal to his gf in the 1st place. Think it over and let us know..

~jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 8:34am
At least 4 nights a week force yourself to do something else during that time period - whether it is exercising, joining a community theater group, going out to a movie, volunteer work, reading good literature, taking dance lessons - he is having a great time - his ego - with you as his fantasy - but don't ever ever think that this person has integrity or any interestin you beyond the cheap thrill of treating his girlfriend like crap. Oh - and the night that you are home - just come to ivillage and post to your heart's content ;-)