Online Spying!??!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Online Spying!??!
16
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:54am

Hi all,

I'm just wondering if it is ok to spy on somebody? Well, it's not really spying, but I've been dating this guy I met through match for like 2 months. We havent had the "exclusive"-talk yet, but we do see each other once - twice a week for dinner, movies, etc. A couple of days ago, I checked out his profile again, and saw that he is still active ("Activity within 24 hours") with his profile. I know, I shouldnt judge him, coz we're not exclusive and I still email some guys on match, too. But lately, I caught myself checking out his profile just to see if he is still active. Does anyone do it, too? Is it ok? Or even better: how can I stop that? Coz I dont think, it does any good to me when I continue doing that. I do want us to be exclusive and want to have "The Talk" soon, but somehow his activity on match prevents me from initiating that conversation with him. :(

td

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: td1978
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 10:07am

Since you haven't agreed to be exclusive with this man he can spend every waking moment on match if he wants. Afterall, if you are still emailing he can too.

If you want the situation to change then you better have an honest discussion with this man. His match activity will need to cease....and so will yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
In reply to: td1978
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 10:11am

>but somehow his activity on match prevents
>me from initiating that conversation with him

If he looked at your profile wouldn't he see that you have been active in the last 24hrs too? Maybe you should try and set a precedent before you bring up the topic of online activity. Stop logging on for the next 2 weeks before you talk to him about it. At least that way you can avoid being accused of hypocrisy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: td1978
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 10:30am

I think the deeper issue of not wanting to have the talk with him is that he may not want exclusivity and that's not want you want to hear. Checking out his activity is a way of seeing if he will just BE exclusive without you having to request it and possibly having the idea rejected.


I know that it's an uncomfortable conversation to have for some people because it can go either way and may actually be the end to a budding relationship for some.


If you want and need an exclusive relationship at this point then you should be forthcoming with that regardless of what you think the reply will be. The thing is that if you don't get the answer you want then you have to decide if the status of what you do have is going to be satisfying for you or if you're settling for this guy just to be with someone on their terms.


Since you're both still active on Match and still emailing with other prospects I think it's extremely important for you to really ascertain where you want this relationship to go for you, before you have this talk. I mean it's entirely possible that he's checking into Match to see your activity level and is having the same thoughts and not expressing them. Communicate and figure out if you're both on the same path.


Solazzo

Solazzo
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
In reply to: td1978
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 11:49am
maybe hes doing the same thing as you. maybe hes been online to look at your profile too. the only solution to this situation is to bring it up. just casually ask if hes been back on the site. see what he says and go from there. if you dont want him on the site then you have to say something. and you shouldnt go on there either. if you want to be serious with this guy then you shouldnt need to go looking. and yes i have done this too. i have looked to see if the guy was online, and i was also looking for other guys. so i understand where your coming from completely. but in my case, he wasnt online ever. you really just have to bring this up with your guy, its the only solution i see. good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: td1978
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 12:33pm
Thanks for all your responses! HUGS! I dont like spying on him and solazzo was right, that I probably avoid asking him coz I dont want to hear the wrong answer. Well, I'm going out with him tonight, so I think, I'll bring it up. I want clarity. So nervous though. If he gives me the wrong answer aka he doesnt want to be exklusive, then that's it for me. Wish me luck! Thanks!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
In reply to: td1978
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 1:12pm
Let us know what happens!! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 9:33am
Just to update everybody: we're exclusive. Yeaaaaaaaaah! He said, he is not dating anybody except me and when I asked him, how he feels about me, his answer was "I like you - a lot!", which is ok with me, coz we havent been dating that long and who knows, one day he will say the l-word ... let's work on that, right? :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 10:22am
That's great!!! Did you discuss what is going to happen with each of your profiles on Match?
Solazzo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 10:25am
Good for you, communication is always a good idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 10:26am
that is so awesome! i'm so happy for you! good luck and have fun!

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