Online Spying!??!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Online Spying!??!
16
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 9:54am

Hi all,

I'm just wondering if it is ok to spy on somebody? Well, it's not really spying, but I've been dating this guy I met through match for like 2 months. We havent had the "exclusive"-talk yet, but we do see each other once - twice a week for dinner, movies, etc. A couple of days ago, I checked out his profile again, and saw that he is still active ("Activity within 24 hours") with his profile. I know, I shouldnt judge him, coz we're not exclusive and I still email some guys on match, too. But lately, I caught myself checking out his profile just to see if he is still active. Does anyone do it, too? Is it ok? Or even better: how can I stop that? Coz I dont think, it does any good to me when I continue doing that. I do want us to be exclusive and want to have "The Talk" soon, but somehow his activity on match prevents me from initiating that conversation with him. :(

td

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 12:07pm
Thank you, thank you. No, I havent asked about the profiles on match, coz I thought: I was still active since yesterday. Heheee. Cant ask for something that I'm equally guilty, right? But: I think, I'll stop with my match activity and if he is still active in a couple of weeks, I'll kick his butt! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 2:59pm

No, that's not the best tactic because although you agreed to be exclusive, you didn't discuss the Match thing. Maybe he'll be going out there to check up on you so that isn't fair. You've done well in the communication department so far so I suggest saying, "Hey, now that we agreed to be exclusive, I took my profile off Match. Would you mind doing the same?" Or something along those lines.

And take your profile down. You have agreed to be exclusive with someone - you shouldn't have a profile up even if you're not looking becaut just b/c you're not doesn't mean men stop looking at your profile and also, avoid the need to explain yourself if your guy DOES go out to see if you're out there! Good luck, but as you found out, honesty and communication really do have this funny way of working out.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 3:11pm

Hmmm...well for what it's worth I think that NOT discussing it and checking up on him in two weeks is a bad idea. If you find he WAS active after that time frame you'll be right back where you started...not knowing where you stand, wondering if you can believe what he says and driving yourself crazy the whole time. Snooping is not good and it's addictive.


Why not strike while the iron is hot and define what exclusivity means to him and to you. Does it mean you won't be sleeping with anyone else, but are free to date others? Does it mean you are both officially off the market to any others and secret new liaisons, former email buddies (read prospective suitors) should be stopped?


Really you have to clearly define what exclusivity means to each of you...do not assume anything. It doesn't have to be a big heavy conversation. Just bring it up the next time you see him by saying ...


"I've been thinking about our last discussion

Solazzo
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 4:21pm

Thank you so much for all your advice. So as I have did before: Surely, I will listen to your advice again. When I see him again, I will ask for more clarifications. He just seems to be such a sincere guy, so I just thought, his answer was clear enough and I wouldnt need to ask anything in further detail.

And I have to agree with vexer_hw: honesty & communication do have this funny way of working out. But it's only working out, coz his answer was the one that I wanted to hear. Otherwise, I'd be crying on your shoulder right now! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
In reply to: td1978
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 4:31pm

Yes, get things clarified and don't assume ANYTHING. My match.com guy took his profile down the day we met, said he was interested in only me and turned out to be a total ninny. For him, I think exclusivity simply meant that I was the object of his desire and this had NOTHING to do with being ready or willing to enter a relationship.

Exclusivity sounds nice and like what we women want from a man, but it might not mean to him what you think it does. Find out what he has in mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: td1978
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 9:06am

You seem to viewing any answer he gives that isn't exactly as you want as the end to the relationship altogether. Obviously you want to be exclusive, his one and only. You seem to understand that status means giving of yourself and doing things slightly differently than in a casual dating relationship. It seems completely understandable and reasonable to me that you'd be a little cautious about investing further (perhaps even most of yourself) without really knowing if this guy is willing to do the same. It creates an imbalance and a certain vulnerability for you. No one wants to knowingly get burned and know they facilitated that...


The thing is if you are not clear at the outset there will be nagging doubts floating at the back of your mind. Those doubts will eventually come to the forefront and adversely effect the relationship. What do I mean by this? Well I believe that we tend to hold a part of ourselves in reserve when we're even the tiniest bit unsure. I also believe that a truly satisfying relationship requires that you open yourself up. How can a person be completely open, when they are protecting part of their heart? And how can you NOT protect your heart when you're unclear about what the term "exclusivity" means to the other?


Just get the terms defined...if the answers are less than perfect it doesn't mean a big dramatic end. It just means that you know that you should keep it casual and are free to date others, and so is he, but that you still enjoy each other and want to keep doing stuff together.


Good luck with it all...let us know what happens.


Solazzo

Solazzo

Pages