online/long distance

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
online/long distance
4
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 8:01am

i'm 20, live in san diego and recently started emailing this guy i met on a site. he's a quite a bit older than me(he's 32) but age doesn't really matter, he lives in vermont and is willing to come see me but i'm not sure about it. he seems like a good guy but the age difference is still an issue, not for me but i know it would be for my parents. i definitely wouldn't be able to tell them about him if he did come and stay, the thing is my parents are going out of town in a couple weeks and it would be the best time for him to come...i don't wanna rush into anything but if he does come that would have to be the time. i'm feeling really lonely these days and he says he doesn't want me to look for anybody else because he wants to me my boyfriend...i don't know what to do...any advice?

btw, we have seen each other cam 2 cam and talk on the phone for hours

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 9:06am

Hi,

When I was in my twenties, I found older men very attractive --indeed, I had a relationship with a 39-year-old when I was just 21. So I am not faulting you for being attracted to this guy. But let me tell you that, over the years, age _does_ matter. And even now, he is at a very different stage in life than you are.

It is not clear in your post whether your plan is to have this guy stay in your house while your parents are out of town. If that is the idea, I urge you NOT to do it. As many stories on this board illustrate, you may think you know this guy from e-mail, web-cam, IM, etc. but until you are in each other's real physical presence you won't really have "met" him. And having a guy who is really a stranger come and stay with you is not a good idea. Also, you can be sure that this guy will have certain hopes and expectations for a physical relationship if he comes to stay with you when you are alone. Maybe that is the direction you want the relationship to take, but it may not be what you want when he gets here. And then where will you be, if he is in your house and you are alone? It might not even be safe for you.

Even assuming that he is going to stay at a hotel (as he should), I'm not sure it is a good idea for him to come while your parents are out of town. Having your parents in town is a protection, something to fall back on if things don't go well.

I understand that you are worried that your parents will disapprove of the relationship. But you don't need to tell them all the details. Surely you can tell them that this is a _friend_ from out of town who doesn't know anyone else in town and wants to spend time with you for that reason. This way they won't freak out about the big bad wolf come to get their little girl, but they will be there in the background for you.

You are legally an adult. You can date anyone you want to. But part of being an adult is being ready to face the disapproval of our parents. To sneak around them to date the guy you like is not really very mature as well as, in this case, not really very safe. If, in addition, you are planning to bring the guy into their house while they are away, you are being dishonest and, to some extent, betraying their trust in you.

Do you really want your relationship with this guy to begin this way?

Others on this board will tell you to be very cautious with this guy, not because he is 32 and you are 20 but because online romances are seldom what they appear to be. Be cautious. This guy may be a great person. Or the great person may be an act.

The best thing is to meet in a way that you are safe and comfortable. It might be a lot of fun to have him in town, to find him good company, to really get to know him. But it can be fun done safely (with him staying at a hotel, your parents and/or friends aware of his name, where you are going, etc.) rather than unsafely (with you sneaking around to meet him while your parents are gone, with no one who cares about you really meeting the guy or knowing anything about him). If this guy really cares about you, he will understand why people might worry about your relationship, and he will make it easier for you to tell your parents, to have friends around when you meet, etc.

Have fun, but be safe.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:17am
Trust your gut....not sure if you want to do this, intro to your family, etc.A Vermont guy wanting to meet a beautiful California girl..what guy would not want that? I always stay away from long distance relationships..too much work,loneliness, money, insecurites, etc.It only took me one lesson to learn from doing it, to say it is not worth it. I'm willing to wait for someone who I can spend "real" time together with. Good Luck!
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 12:21pm

This is the first face-to-face meeting with him then I don't see how you two can be exclusive/boyfriend-girlfriend. I have met women online and have talked for hours before meeting them. I have felt that intimacy as well. AND it IS different when you meet in person. I see online and phone conversations as laying the groundwork but the relationship does not really begin until you meet.

Insofar as the age difference for your parents, again, this is the first date and as someone pointed out that you are an adult. I don't see a big deal for a first date.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2005
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 1:24pm
I think it's a bit desperate that a 32 year old man in VT would want to start a RL with a 20 year old in CA. I could understand if you were in the same state...but come on...