Opinions please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Opinions please!
16
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:31pm
I'm not quite sure what to think about this because this honestly has never happened to me. I had one date with this guy back in December. We had a nice dinner at a very nice restaurant with a nice bottle of wine. Conversation was great. I thought he had a good time too and said we should do it again sometime and that he would call me. Well, he never called. Over the last couple of days I noticed he had been viewing my profile through yahoo personals. Just for the heck of it, I decided to glance at his again to see if he would notice. Well, tonight I get an e-mail from him apologizing for losing touch. He said things had been really busy for him(which is probably true because he was a lawyer, but was trying to leave that practice to start another company). He also said he would love to see me again. How many of you would give him a second chance?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:58pm
I probably would if I was interested but would keep my expectations low and would not let myself get hopeful for a while just in case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 9:41am
That's what I was thinking. I've just never had someone who I had one date with decide to contact me months after the fact. I should be flattered that he is still interested. I know he's a busy guy so maybe the timing just wasn't right. I'm going to respond and see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:34pm
I don't know if I would. I am extremely busy, but if I'm interested in someone I still make time to contact them. Why didn't he follow-up with you and tell you early on that he was interested and really busy and he'd contact you later. It's possible it could work out of course, but I would really keep all my options open and keep my expectations low like the other response said. I would also wonder how he'd behave in a long-term relationship if it did work out. Would you always be pushed aside for work or for another relationship that interests him more at that moment, because that could be the reason you hadn't heard from him. I was recently burned by a guy that just wasn't that interested, and I have several who are/have been and I'm becoming much more selective on who I spend time with based on how well they treat me and demonstrate their interest so I don't mean to burst your excitement, I'm just more cautious now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:50pm
I agree with a lot of what you said. However, I don't see the harm and going on another date with the guy. It's not like we are diving in to a relationship off the bat. We are talking about a date. And maybe he can explain what happened. I do agree that had he been really interested then, why would he stop all contact. But, also, why would he contact me now?? I'm a little interested in an explanation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 1:26pm

Hey there!
Your situation reminds me of one of the tenets of "He's Just Not That Into You"...where Greg Berendt says that most of the world would classify themselves as 'busy', and if someone's truly interested in getting to know you, they wouldn't lose touch...especially not for four months!
Not to make you feel bad...but, I'd proceed cautiously. There's no inherent harm in contacting him; however, I just wouldn't get my hopes up, not that you said you are. Nine times out of ten, he probably saw several other women around the same time he saw you back in December...maybe he tried to start a relationship with one of them and it ended recently. He viewed your profile again, and there you have it....Honestly, there's nothing wrong with that...it's the way of OLD, actually...though I do think that he could've called you, though. Did you ever try to contact him after the date?

Do whatever makes you happy. You never know what could happen this time. Just be casual about it, so as not to set yourself up for disappointment.

Mali

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 1:39pm

I can see myself like that as well. Life happens but I'm interested in a woman. When I get a "pause" then I like to restart that special connection. Sometimes I am on the other side of that equation where I am all hyped and ready to get into a relationship but for the woman she is busy with her day-to-day stuff and doesn't make starting a new relationship a priority.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 2:05pm

I think many people would give him a second chance. I also think he wasn't that into you the first time around and therefore giving him another chance is a sketchy idea at best.

Buuuut... it seems you are determined to do so. :) And like Mark said, it *can* happen for legit reasons at times. This is an area where I think Greg Behrendt might have been a little bit off base.

Greg's point in the book is that if a guy is REALLY "that into you", it doesn't matter how busy he is; he's going to find a way/time to make another date with you. It might be a week or two in the future, but he's going to make it happen, and he's going to be calling you and so forth.

Well, in the real world, people really do get busy. And sometimes that second time around does work out.

So. Go out again, don't be hyper-critical (which is a recipie for disaster), but do figure that he'll show you pretty quick whether he's into you or not. And also watch out for signs that he's really not that into you, but figure you'll do for now until he finds someone he's truly after. (I hate saying that but let's face it, lots of us guys will act that way sometimes.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 6:40pm

Telling someone "Hey, I'm sorry but lately things have been crazy and I can't really do the dating thing right now" isn't too difficult. Just me, but I likely wouldn't explore that again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 11:19pm
I do agree with the comments about when a guy is into you he'll do whatever it takes to keep comtact going. Maybe he was dating someone else, maybe he was busy. The point is we had one date 4 months ago. A nice dinner and good conversation. If he asks me, I'll probably go just to see what happens. Maybe the timing wasn't right. I'm not expecting anything to develop...but, should something good come out if, why not take the risk? If anything, I can get an explanation as to why he didn't call and why he decided to contact me again. I'll let you know what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2006
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 4:40am

"Your situation reminds me of one of the tenets of "He's Just Not That Into You"...where Greg Berendt says that most of the world would classify themselves as 'busy', and if someone's truly interested in getting to know you, they wouldn't lose touch...especially not for four months!"
_________________

That's true, but.... but this is one spot where I think Behrendt oversimplified a tad bit. (Hey, I love the book, but it can't be 100% right 100% of the time.)

What if the guy was seeing another woman right at the time of the first encounter, and they were on the verge of "getting exclusive" and she popped "the talk" on him right then? He's kind of stuck.

It's a problem with seeing more than one person at a time. If you're into more than one of them, and one says "I want to try dating exclusively" and you say "okay", well, now you've got to quit seeing the other person (or people).

So fast forward a few months. Now the exclusive thing ends. What do you do?

If you told the other gal "look, here's the deal, I'm dating someone else and she wants to be exclusive" the odds are she's not going to be interested when you come knocking the second time.

(And who can blame her? Feeling like second-best stinks.)

So if you didn't say something like that, and you come back around... well, it's entirely possible that you WERE into someone that much, that you wanted to see them again, but that someone else had "first dibs" and you wanted to give it a fair shot?

Anyway, my point is that there might well be circumstances that prevent a guy from chasing right after someone immediately. Unlikely, but it could happen. That's why I say unless they plainly burned a gal before (making another date and then never showing or something like that) a guy should get a second, skeptical chance. ;)

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