Pacing e-mails

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Pacing e-mails
7
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 6:19pm

The guy from the other side of the country who e-mailed is still absolutely charming. I know I shouldn't answer his e-mails right away, but he always says things that resonate with me, that I want to respond to.

I've been keeping it to every-other-day. He wrote on Thursday, I replied on Friday, he repled on Saturday, I wrote yesterday morning. Now I got an e-mail from him that I should reply to no earlier than tomorrow, right? Except I want to write right now.

Although I am not in danger of fooling myself that I am in love with someone I've never met, I do run the danger of getting too enthusiastic too soon and then being disappointed. This guy is such a great writer, and I have so little "romance" in my life!

So I am pacing myself about the e-mail --- and I know I need to spread it out more than every other day, especially since we cannot meet before January (if we meet at all). It's just that he says interesting things that I want to respond to. I'm actually looking forward to the friendship progressing to telephone. And I _hate_ talking to prospective dates on the telephone.

This is stupid. I already had one disappointment about a week ago from a guy who sounded really good, who replied to my initial "icebreaker" with a lot of enthusiasm and then did not reply to my response to his original reply. I know that this is what will probably happen with this guy --especially since I get the feeling that he may have started looking for women in my area somewhat impulsively, perhaps before he was sure he was going to relocate. Maybe just to reassure himself that if he came here he would not be alone.

So probably nothing will come of it. I would worry that I am wasting my time, except, I am having fun.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 9:41pm

If you are really concerned that you're going to waste time on these emails and get too emotionally attached, then don't respond for a week or so. I've been doing that with a guy since late September who is finally supposed to be moving here to Seattle by the end of the year. I've found once a week works pretty well to keep distance yet keep enough of a connection going that we are still interested in meeting each other.

But if you enjoy the emails and don't mind taking the time and running the risk, then go ahead and email more frequently. You know the risks, you can make an informed choice as to what's right for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:26am

Hi Sheri,

No, I won't get too emotionally attached by exchanging frequent e-mails. But I may spend time e-mailing this guy that I could more profitably use e-mailing someone else who is going to be "real."

It's fun to e-mail him, but it is probably foolish to do so if it's not going to lead to anything. So far, except for his original e-mail introducing himself, he hasn't said anything else about moving to the area or coming in January to look for a place to live, so I'm wondering.

Of course I couldn't find a guy that interested me who was also in town!

I have a guy who wants to meet me right now, and I am not sure I want to meet him because I don't know what we would say to each other. This in-town guy doesn't have much to say for himself in e-mails. Will we talk about the weather?

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:44am

Maybe the in-town guy isn't a good typist so his emails are short? Who knows. Try moving to a phone call and see how that goes before you decide whether to meet him or not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:51am

Hi Elsa,

I don't think it's necessary to have rules about spacing out emails. As long as you go with the flow and keep your wits about you, knowing that it may or may not work out for bigger reasons than how quickly you reply to email. I say, email him when you want if you connect with him!

There's a guy I'm emailing with right now from eharmony who I'm extremely interested in. He and I both email each other right back that day (we've been emailing for 4 days now, lots of emails). But I didn't email him right back last night and probably won't until tonight because I have some other things on my mind. No big deal. I'm just going with the flow!

Write him already! ;)

Devorah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 6:34pm

Elsa, this guy sounds like he might be totally fantasy-based. Years ago I dated a guy who was unhappy where he was living and unhappy with his job, so he got online and contacted women who lived in places he wanted to live. He ended up liking one a lot, so he moved to her city. They lasted about 8 months and then he fled and broke her heart (looking back now he probably cheated on her). When I met him and started to date him, I asked him why he'd moved here and he said he didn't know, he guessed it was to meet someone he'd been emailing. He didn't even have a job in that city, just moved for a woman. Sounds romantic to many, but a red flag to me.

My most recent boyfriend did the same thing, started emailing women in Australia because he loved the climate and the culture and wanted to move there. He's now an ex after he admitted to going all the way there to meet someone. I could never live in that kind of fantasy.

Ask this guy if he is moving for work, or if it's just for a change of scenery. It will give you a lot of info about his intentions.

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 10:35pm

Hi Devorah,

Well I wrote to him this morning and he hasn't replied yet. Typically, he's been replying the day after I write, and I reply the day after he writes. This is partly because we're in different time zones, and partly because we both have lives besides e-mailing. ;) But I also don't want to seem over-eager or to spend too much energy on this "relationship" that may not go anywhere.

I figure if he hasn't mentioned by Friday what his plans are for someday meeting, I will bring it up. I think I can safely ask, "So when in January are you planning to be in the area?" or something like that.

My issue is if he just wants to be penpals, that's fine, but I want to know that.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 10:55pm

Chick,

This guy may or may not be working out some fantasy, but his move would be work related.

The story he told me is that he is part of a business that recently expanded to have an office in my area and that he is going to be sent to work in the office in this area. He said he would be coming in January to look for a place to live, and that he had joined Yahoo in part because he is not going to know many people when he arrives and he wants to have some friends.

It is a fact that he is employed by this company. (He is writing to me from their e-mail address, and his name appears on the company website.) It is also a fact that the company has a new office in my area. Nothing else is verifiable.

I mostly believe his story, but since he hasn't mentioned it again, and he hasn't asked any questions about the area (what we do here for fun, etc), I worry that either he is just using the "I'm going to be transferred to your area" excuse to initiate a long-distance-relationship, or he is not going to be here very long--could be he is only going to be here for a couple of weeks or months but doesn't want to be alone.

Who knows. I will ask him about when he is coming to town and that may tell me something.

Elsa