Is this petty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Is this petty?
21
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 7:47am

So I'm talking on the phone with this dude, and all is swell. Then, once I appeared a little interested, the "balance of power" clearly shifted (this seems to happen a lot with me - like I'm a challenge, and once the guys think I like them, they go cool or ghost). So anyway, now I can tell right off when the shift occurs and I try to shift it back (and hopefully won't let that armour down much in the future to even remotely appear interested, but anyway...) So here's the thing that is bugging me. This guy then all of a sudden changes to become this incredibly sure-of-himself idiot, and says to me "you can call me".

Okay, that pissed me off. Am I being petty? I guess I'm very old fashioned and I like being called and pursued, at least in the beginning.

What would ya do?

JAYME

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: city_gal
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 7:45pm

I think as long as you're thinking about crap like the "balance of power" when you're supposed to be chatting in a friendly manner with someone, you're going to keep having a crummy time with dating.

This whole notion that we can't show we're into someone only leads us down the path of being a bunch of emotionally repressed, uptight, neurotic idiots.

Speaking as someone who's spent MANY years as an emotionally repressed, uptight, nerotic idiot, I can say that it stinks.

What you are doing, CG, is playing games and thinking about playing games instead of really just dating. You're worried about whether a guy is into chasing you, so you don't want to let your guard down, but if/when you do let it down he bails... then what does that tell you?

I know what it tells me. First, it tells me that initially, you're not BEING YOURSELF. You're being a different version of yourself, hiding behind this wall of feigned indifference and being guarded, trying to keep a guy's interest.

Second, it tells me that you set yourself up to feel lousy, because once you start to let the guard down- ie, once you start to let the REAL you show through- a guy will bail. Well, of course that'll make you feel crummy; he's bailing out on the REAL you, and that's a blow to anyone's ego.

Third, it tells me that instead of finding or being around guys who are into you for YOU, you're managing to get yourself around guys who are into the chase- and once it's over, their little boy, player-wannabe egos withdraw.

Try this, instead. Just be you, from the beginning. Drop the game crap. This doesn't mean fall in love instantly with every guy, but it does mean just be YOU.

If you find yourself chatting with a guy and thinking that you have to "play hard to get" to grab/hold his attention, you should immediately realize "NiceGuy said that is a guy who isn't worth having in the long run" and drop the games and drop the guy.

The gal I'm seeing (on a mutually exclusive basis) now isn't the most classically gorgeous woman in the world. (I think she's simply splendid and gorgeous *to me*, but I'm realistic enough to know she's not a super model. It's okay, neither am I.) She's got some personality quirks that are a bit challenging at times.

But I'm totally into her (and she knows that) because of HER, the entire and whole her. She is not a games player and she's into me and she has let me know/see that, and that very fact (that she was into me from the beginning) is enormously attractive to me.

Quit thinking, just be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
In reply to: city_gal
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 8:06pm

Hi Jayme-


I don't like that he said "you can call me".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: city_gal
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 9:26pm

HI Jayme,

I SO know what you are talking about here! You begin the contact with emails, and I do not fire right back on those, but will wait from 12 to 24 hours to respond. Then, they call and it is all good there, usually, for both of us, and they ask me out.

Date comes along, and I am a bit held back, and they like the challenge they think is at hand, so they ask me out again. Next date begins with me in the driver's seat and they are a bit nervous. Things go well, the evening passes and I begin to like them more....hmm...maybe?...well, Right There...they begin to crawfish; walk backwards rapidly!
All of a sudden the sweet feeling of being pursued had shifted and now they Know I like them and Bam! Game over?

They might not call or write right back the next day, so I go on about my biz...and Then they get interested again!!! wtf!?

Too much gaming for me!

Mr Now, at this time, is doing well and we have 4th date this week. I find myself using my little sweet coquette voice with him a lot...and I want to Slap Me!!!! I need to be More aloof and I know it--but what if he IS the normal, kind, loving man he seems to be so far, and I 'play' my way right out of this! This is like a Giant fork in the road, and I have NO idea which way to steer. Would So love to go forward as I want to and enjoy, but I have learned Waaaaayyyy too much to be that innocent!

Man, games suck!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: city_gal
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 9:40pm

Yay for cupcake! Sounds like it is going well with Mr. Now (I LIKE that!). But I agree. There has to be some meaure of game playing even though we all dislike it so much! Like you're saying - don't email back too quickly so as not to appear overeager, don't call him...let him call you b/c guys need to be the pursuer, don't ask him out for the same reason, be demure and reserved and let them do the chasing because as soon as they feel chased...they'll run so far and fast you'll never see them again! ;-)

It is so confusing and I hate the whole rat race some days but it is what we have to do to get through it, right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: city_gal
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:10am

Copy that, Vex,

And thank you...Mr. Now called me twice today--cool that!

I agree with what you all are saying. I was raised by my wonderful Gramma, but today,she would be called "old school". :) So, I naturally do Not call men until much later in the relationship, I never do "futurisms", like "we should..." or "One day we can...", as I was taught it is begging for their attention. I do not ask for Anything material (but I might turbo hint...sorry, Grammy!), and I wait a reasonable amount of time to reply to emails, but always send a thank you note, now via email, when I have had a date, even if I never intend to see them again.

"If it aint broke, don't fix it", as we say here in the Big State--but I only know this works for me, so everyone does not have to adopt it. And, I Can be aggressive when the time is right...we Cupcakes like to melt the icing from time to time!

I will 4-1-1 y'all, we have another date soon, and thanks for hanging in there--together! OLD might be difficult, but this board makes it a LOT more fun!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: city_gal
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:05am


I was more just a little put off by the "call me sometime" reply.




Edited 3/15/2005 8:22 am ET ET by city_gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: city_gal
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:58am

Niceguy,

I really enjoy reading your posts, you seem very insightful and that's nice.

I've done what you've described many times too; it's almost impossible at times or so it seems when you're out there in the dating world. The women don't want to be too available and lets face it, unfortunately as positive as some of us would like to believe we are our past experiences do create more walls - we've been burned and so we want to make sure the guy is for real not just looking for the fcr the chase or some tail so-to-speak. So why not go slower than we may normally -- not really a game it's just making sure we're not in some big cloud of infatuation. I enjoy and love the romance in the beginning but to see if you're truly compatible takes several months. I'd say around the 3-4 month mark you're going to see whom you're dealing with and may have your first butting of heads or conflicts - when you're sick how do they handle it, a death etc. Those are things that will define if you have what it takes, not the beginnng stuff although I really enjoy that too obviously, ha!

I think as a rule most men will pursue hard in the beginning, it's there nature and so when that isn't as much later on down the road the gal questions, well, he's not as into me as he used to be ... where it's like no dear, he has you now and maybe he doesn't feel he needs to try so hard. That's why I believe relationships are 24/7 - you have to want to put in the effort and remind yourself when things get more routine to spice it up.

Anyhow, good read as always. Most may not appreciate your candor but I like it...Dr. Phil style, ha!

Peanut

PS Congrat's on your new relationship!!! Hey, quirky is a good thing!

PPS It's funny, my BF and I were talking about the same situation this weekend about one being neurotic by over thinking things instead of living in the moment for the most part, why worry about this stuff so much?. I think one becomes neurotic about it (I've done it many times) because they can't control not predict the final outcome...they have been burned before and don't want it to happen again...so you say to yourself, who cares, if it works out great and if it doesn't I learned a lot and had a great time. Tis life ya know? So get out there and have some fun!!!

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
In reply to: city_gal
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:24am
I can totally relate. I just recently went out with this guy a few times. It was great - he was initiating everything, very attentive, etc. He gave me every indication pf really being into me, so I felt like I could let my guard down with him, after he had told me that he wasn't seeing anyone else and seemed concerned that I was still dating other people on-line. So, I approached the subject the other night and mentioned that I was considering taking down my profile to see where things could possibly go with us. Well he freaked out and didn't even want to have any type of discussion about it since we had only known each other for a couple of weeks. I only brought this up to reassure him, when he obviously didn't need any reassuring - I definitely read him wrong. He just fell right into the pattern - once the chase was over, he backed off. I haven't heard from him in a week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: city_gal
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 10:49am

Consider yourself lucky; you see the real him – the game player not the relationship seeker. That just means you’re one step closer to your next BF.

Peanut

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: city_gal
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:00am

I can understand why that might put you off, if you take it as him being too casual. But it might also be that he feels he's shown his interest, and now is saying "call me sometime" as a way of letting YOU show YOUR interest without being pushy.

Guys are in a tough spot in OLD and dating in general (of course, so are gals). They're supposed to chase, but not TOO hard, or else they're stalker-psychos. They're supposed to be responsive, but not TOO responsive.

I know that I've ended OLD first-meetings by saying something along the lines of "I had a really good time and would like to go out with you again, but I'll let you make the decision so if you want to go out give me a call." Nowadays, I don't do that- it's leaving too much to chance and appears a tad too wishy-washy for me- but I can understand guys doing it.

Same thing with a phone call.

In any case, if you don't like him, don't call him. Pretty simple stuff. But if you are consciously doing the "stay guarded" thing, then later taking a chance and being open... well, I think that's just setting yourself up to fail for the reasons I said earlier.

There's a difference between being open and being *easy*, too, if that makes sense. Being open and being yourself doesn't mean you jump into the sack with any guy that catches your fancy on the first date! :)

So same advice applies- just be yourself. It's hard, because we feel like when we are ourselves we get burned, but if we're not ourselves then we will DEFINITELY get burned when we later let our guard down and appear to become a different person to our dating partner.