Physical Attraction

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Physical Attraction
9
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 9:32pm

how important is this? Im having trouble defining my feelings on this guy Ive been seeing for about two months. NGOL understands my story as I wrote him, but I'm still having trouble figuring myself out here. I think this guy is cute but I'm just not feeling the chemistry. I knw chemistry is either there or not.

But, sometimes I feel so attracted to him, then others its just not there. A few weeks ago, I took about a week off - to test myself and see if I missed him. to that pt, we were seeing a lot of each other and talking all the time. I figured it would be good to have some space ... at the end of the week, I really missed him. So I took that as I liked him - and things were good for two weeks. Now, Im back to where I was before and thinking I'm not attracted to him? I went away for 3 days this past week. Got back today and thought I'd be soooo excited to see him. Instead I just went to lunch w/ him and then dropped him off. The whole time, I was not sure how I felt.

Everything is so great with him - he calls me, texts me,we see each other 2-3 times a week. and I can talk with him about everything. He doesn't seem very scared to spend time w/ me. Ive slept at his plc two times, and he asked the second time. Hes slept at mine twice as well. so everything is there, except my confusion... maybe I'm analyzing too much ?

Any suggestions or past experiences here????

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 9:57pm

surfer, I know it's very difficult when you have a guy great-on-paper and don't *feel* it. You know he's not the one, but he's so great you are wondering WHY he's not the one.

Let him go to find someone who will feel it for him. Go on yourself and find someone for whom you will feel it.

It really is the only honest thing to do.




Edited 3/19/2005 10:57 pm ET ET by amjay45
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 10:08pm

i know :( thats what NGOL told me too. I just want to make sure I'm not making a mistake before i Let him go.

I think Im trying to make myself feel something that ain't there. darnit, i have so much fun w/ him. but that spark and chemistry just isn't there for me.... blah. and i found myself wanting to change his look,how he dressed and other stuff and felt badly as soon as I started commenting on some things. I dont want to change a guy and I never have when Ive dated or been in relationships. I want to love someone just the way they are.

thanks Amjay.

Avatar for bluebird1234
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 10:55pm
I'd have to agree with the others. For me, if the chemistry isn't there, it isn't there, and the relationship is just not going to go anywhere. Best to end it sooner, rather than later, so the both of you can move on and find that ever-so-elusive rarity - mutual chemistry!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 8:18am

I remember my own good-guy-on-paper Guy. Poor J , he was a great guy. I tried to fall for him without success. He went on to marry and has a great life. I am so f***ing happy for him! LOL

The worst part?! Friends who decided I was being too picky, like I had done something wrong. That was really frustrating for me.

Oh well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 10:14am

I've been there, too. I think we all have. In the end, I think we as individuals have to decide what is most important to us. I dated a guy who was everything I wanted, attractive, educated, great job, financially secure. But the chemistry just wasn't there. I tried so hard to make it happen, and to feel it, but just couldn't.

For me, unless I find a man with whom I feel that elusive combination of compatibility and passion, it just ain't gonna happen. And as I am 43 and been divorced for 17 years, I have come to accept that it might NEVER happen. But that's my choice-to stay single if I don't find what I want. Other women may decide, hey, he's s nice guy, doesn't repulse me, makes good money, I'll live without passion and chemistry. That's their choice.

While it's true that chemistry changes as you get more comfortable with someone, I still believe you have to have that as a basis from which enduring love can grow. That certainly takes work, for sure. But for the right guy, I would be willing.

I agree, it's irritating when other people, particularly women, make it sound like you are being too picky, that there is some deep-seated psychological pathos that prevents you from loving a "good" or "nice" guy. The other thing is, in my age group, it's tough to meet anyone even general ballpark of someone you'd want to date, let alone feel chemistry for. That's the most discouraging thing to me. And all the advice books aren't much help when they insist there are all these great guys we are overlooking. Where???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:05am

Muire, you wrote the post that I was hoping to write.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:38am

Actually, that was surfergirl's situation, not mine. But thank you for the kind, smart words.

I am like you in that if it's not there I don't dick around with people. It was a hard truth to J (my good-on-paper Guy) but it had to be done before he invested any more time and money in me.

Talking of money -- one of the things that turned me off was his compulsive spending on me. Not little, private things between he and I, but things other people could see and be impressed with. For instance, sending a dozen long stem red roses to my office. Everyone made such a fuss over it, and that embarassed me.

For instance, taking me out for dinner and afterwards meeting up with mutual friends, and they knew about the dinner before I did!

This all indicated to me that he had not a CLUE who I was. And is also another reason I got remarks from friends for "letting him get away".

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 3:11pm

thanks all. so TOUGH. I swear its always that one thing missing - usually w/ the guys I date, I have the chemistry but the missing part is that they loose interest. Or aren't ready for a relationship. Or personality conflicts arise. In this case, everything else is there that usually isn't. I think that is what is so annoying to me right now.

ah well. I guess I'll have to have the talk sometime this week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:20pm
Bad break!!