Physical Distance and "Dating"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Physical Distance and "Dating"
12
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 2:08am

I am 54, divorced, and I don't do a lot of dating. Still,I am on a couple of free dating sites and once in a while I get a contact that interests me. This happened this past week. Since our first e-mails a week ago, we have moved to daily LONG phone calls for the past three days. I am not sure how I feel about this.

Normally, the long phone calls would not be happening before I had met the guy in person. But in this case, he lives three and a half hours away. He also doesn't like to type, so he persuaded me to talk on the phone. Now he is calling me every day. I enjoy talking to him, but I really don't need a phone buddy.

He has said nothing about meeting in person. Am I wrong to feel that it is time for him to start suggesting a meeting? Do I even want to meet in person?

I'm really torn. This guy is interesting, his picture is not unattractive, and he seems to have a lot in common with me (similar tastes, values, even some background similarities).
On the other hand, he lives too far away for regular dating. Meeting once is not going to solve anything if we find each other attractive.

So I am not sure whether to suggest that we meet. I would like to meet him, but on the other hand, I don't want to encourage him too much because I'm not sure that a long-distance thing would work for me.

Thoughts?

Bela

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 2:23am

I know from painful experience that LD doesn't work for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 12:51pm

Thanks Sheri. I agree the long, daily phone calls are the biggest problem.

He is a nice guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I don't want him to call me. Also, it is nice to have someone to talk to (though not necessarily every day). As I said, I don't date much.

But I don't want to encourage him in what may be a sort of fantasy for him. When I started out "talking" to him, I was thinking of just an online friendship. (I have many with various people from all over the world. It passes the time and gives me glimpses into other people's lives. It's fun.) But he has other ideas, and though I am flattered, I am also concerned.

I feel we need to meet soon in order to have a "reality check" of some sort. Yet I hesitate to suggest meeting for several reasons. For one thing, he might take it as sign of greater interest, when in fact it is a sign of caution. For another, I feel bad about asking him to go to the expense of staying at a hotel in my town yet I don't have any intention of inviting him to stay with me. (I hardly know him.)

I could suggest meeting half-way.There is a good sized town about an hour and a half from each of us, we could each of us drive down there on a Saturday and meet in a public place, spend some hours together and still be able to drive back to our respective homes before dark. But it's a town that I've only visited a couple of times, so I don't know exactly where we could meet. Plus I worry that he would take it as encouragement that I am willing to drive to meet him. I don't want to mislead him. I think we should meet as a "reality check," not because I want to get closer.

Anyway, I appreciate feedback on this. How can I tactfully tell him to stop calling so much? How can I suggest a meeting without seeming over-eager? How have other people handled LTRs?

Bela


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 7:03pm

If you don't want to talk to him so much but still want to stay in touch, then just start letting his daily calls go to voicemail and calling him back a couple days later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 7:58pm

The problem with the phone calls is that he asks "Can I call you again tomorrow around X o'clock?" So I am going to have to say _something_ to discourage him.

Thanks for the advice not to tell him we should meet. I never like to be the one to suggest it, but in this case it comes down to, "I don't want a phone buddy," and I want him to understand that.

I'm fine with an e-mail friend, because I can always dash back a reply, but the phone calls take up time and they seem pretty pointless after a while. I wish I had stuck to my usual rule of no phone calls until we have met in person except for the purpose of setting up the details of the meeting.

B

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 8:21pm

How about saying "oh sorry, that's not a good time for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 06-24-2009 - 8:45pm

I have a slightly different take since my boyfriend lives threes hours from me. Like you, I didn't want a long distance thing, and he didn't mention meeting for the first month on the phone (during which we logged 2500 cell phone minutes). Like you, I was not into 5 hours conversations with someone I'd never met, but my gut said to bide my time and wait. Turns out he was TDY and not even home, hence the not mentioning meeting - we met as soon as he got back. We've seen each other every weekend for the past four months and are totally and completely in love.

And yeah, I realize the odds of my story working out like it did are slim, but it DOES happen. I see no problem in suggesting you meet - it doesn't have to be a major thing, maybe just lunch (dinner is a bad idea since one of you would have a long way to drive at night). Or maybe there's another town halfway that you could meet in. I'm obviously biased, but I say you give it a shot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 12:28am
If you dont think something will work b/c of distance, I would think its best not to get involved at all. Youre only asking for heartbreak. UNLESS of course, one of you could move - then I say, go for it!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Fri, 06-26-2009 - 7:53am

I agree with the others to the extent they're saying that you have to figure out what works for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 06-26-2009 - 2:14pm

Thanks for the advice. I decided that the best thing was for me to be honest with him about not wanting a "relationship" that was mainly on the phone. As I thought more about the situation, I realized that he had sort of manipulated me into the phone thing.

I am very clear in my profiles that I like to meet in person fairly soon, and I was very clear to him when he first suggested phoning that I didn't want to use the phone until we had met in person. He pushed for the phone call on the grounds that he was a bad typist. At the time, I thought he was someone who came by my town often enough that we could meet. Then it turned out that he USED to have business in my area, but no longer.

In short, he wanted a phone "romance," but I have been clear all along that this is not what I want. So I e-mailed explaining my position. I don't know if he will write back or try to phone me again.

Thanks again.

Bela

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Fri, 06-26-2009 - 2:21pm

This guy is retired and he has time to come to my town to meet me. He just hasn't suggested it. Yet he wants to talk on the phone for two or three hours a night. (His preference, actually, was webcam, but I don't have a webcam.)

The more I thought of it, the less it seemed that this was a "relationship" I wanted to pursue. So, as I told Sheri, I let him know how I felt about the phone.

I'm glad things worked out for you.

Bela

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