Pictures in profiles or lack thereof

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Pictures in profiles or lack thereof
19
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 10:26am

cyclegirl36 brought up an interesting stance on a topic that we have discussed a time or six about pictures. It has seemed that most of us will not meet someone or even communicate with someone for very long if we don't see a picture. I know several of you have had bad experiences with meeting someone that seemed to have a great personality but the attraction was quickly deflated when you met and they were not physically attractive.

I am sure that none of us wants to be wanted for our physical attributes alone (e.g. I stopped communicating with a guy that while he had seen a picture of me kept hounding me for more pictures and never asked me anything about myself). But what are your opinions on 1) how important physical attraction/preferences are and 2) people that don't post a picture and/or refuse to provide one when asked shortly after starting communication?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 10:30am
funny you should ask. I got two emails last night from two guys both without a picture. I did email back requesting one but it none is given then there will not be another email.
I just like to see who I'm corresponding with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 11:20am

1. Physical attraction/preferences - Even though I'd like to say I would see a person if they were mainly nice in personality, honestly, the physical attraction is important - it's that little spark inside that says, hmmmmm maybe.... I think the spark doesn't have to be a big one at first and can grow as you get to know the person, but for me there has to be something happening to continue with a second meet.

2. People who don't send me a pic when I ask them for one, I will not respond back to them. It's only fair after all and that is what I tell them. If they don't have a reason for not sending a pic and ignore your request, then there is usually a good reason why they aren't sending one. They could be a nice looking person, but IMHO their reluctance to send a pic sends a red flag for possible issues with low self esteem and not accepting themselves. I have worked hard to feel better about myself and have worked through my issues (well most of them ;) ), so I prefer to be with a person who is more positive and happy with themselves, and therefore more happy also with their life and relationships - generally (with less unresolved issues hopefully).

It also bugs me when you take the time to read their profile and ask them a few questions that pertain to their likes, etc. and they don't bother to answer these things in their return email to you. It's like they haven't even taken the time to read or cared to read what you said to them in your email.

I rarely respond to profiles without pics - in fact rarely even look at them - as they are either: a. married and just looking to have some side action, b. possibly have insecurity issues, or c. ashamed to be seen doing OLD (and if that is the case then I don't care to get to know them anyway!). Yet there are the people who either don't have any pics to post or can't figure out how to post them.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 12:30pm

1> How important are physical attributes/preferences/attraction?

Not *everything*, but certainly important. For me, that's where it kind of starts; I've got to find a woman at least somewhat attractive, or I'm not going to be motivated to learn about her.

But after that, it kind of fades. For an LTR, the physical part is a lot less important than how we fit mentally, intellectually, emotionally. How many hobbies or interests we share and so forth.
.

2> People that don't post a picture?

Move on. About the only excuse for not posting one would be stalker types of situations, and those folks generally aren't doing a lot of OLD anyway.

IMO, not posting a picture suggests that someone is hiding something. Therefore, we have to consider their excuse/reason for hiding, and IMO it better be a pretty darned good excuse. "I'm a famous athlete" or "I am a professional (doctor, lawyer, accountant, own a store, etc) and don't want my clients to see me" is NOT a valid excuse.

It means that they're going to be ashamed of how they met you, should something work out in the long term, and I don't want to be with someone who's ashamed to have met me or be with me. Not unless it's for something stupid that *I* did. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 12:44pm
At this point I don't even read a profile without a picture.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 12:48pm

one of the guys that I had asked to send a picture, just did. And he's really not my type at all. What do I say back so not to hurt his feelings? Also, his profile says "currently separated" and that's a no-no to me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:02pm

I prefer to see a picture up front, in part because it's so awkward to ask for one and then realize that you're not attracted to the person.

That said, the guy I've been out with 3 times so far didn't have one on his profile and he took a little while to send me one (but did before we met). He says he's a little self-conscious about his looks (although I don't see why, personally, I think he's nice looking). I've actually had a couple 2-5 month relationships with men whose pictures I didn't see before meeting (although this was a while ago before it got so easy to have digital photos available). So, I guess if I really like their profile and our conversations, I'm willing to take a chance.

As far as it being a red flag to not have a picture up, I definitely keep that in the back of my mind and look to see if there are other indications that a guy who doesn't have one is not on the up and up.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:03pm

"currently separated" is your out.

My email to a cs went as follows:

"sorry, but I prefer to be with someone who has long closed the door on their previous relationships (i.e. divorce). Please take this decision as final."

And blocked. End of convo.

Your guy will wonder if you didn't like his looks. Another, very good reason not to contact people without first seeing their photos.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:11pm
I did, thanks. I said "your picture is very nice, you should post it. Unfortunately I'm looking for someone who is not currently separated. Too many loose ends".
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:14pm
well said, and very kind!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:16pm
I think that's an EXCELLENT answer, donna!

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