Pictures in profiles or lack thereof

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Pictures in profiles or lack thereof
19
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 10:26am

cyclegirl36 brought up an interesting stance on a topic that we have discussed a time or six about pictures. It has seemed that most of us will not meet someone or even communicate with someone for very long if we don't see a picture. I know several of you have had bad experiences with meeting someone that seemed to have a great personality but the attraction was quickly deflated when you met and they were not physically attractive.

I am sure that none of us wants to be wanted for our physical attributes alone (e.g. I stopped communicating with a guy that while he had seen a picture of me kept hounding me for more pictures and never asked me anything about myself). But what are your opinions on 1) how important physical attraction/preferences are and 2) people that don't post a picture and/or refuse to provide one when asked shortly after starting communication?

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:18pm
well, I didn't block fast enough!.
His reply: "I know what you mean and understand your concerns. But you should know that I am truly separated, not just using that as some kind of "white lye" to find someone on the side. I wouldn't do that. Neither of us know what the future holds but I am leaving the past behind and need to move forward. It's completely up to you, of course, but I would be glad to discuss any of the details; whatever makes you more comfortable. Sorry if I disappointed you before we even had a chance to talk."
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:22pm

Donna, Donna, Donna, you are a sweetie, but I am shaking my head wondering here - you said the guy's profile says "currently separated" which is a no-no to you, then why did you even ask him to send you a pic in the first place? Donna, think AVAILABLE guys AVAILABLE guys, AVAILABLE guys.... We have to get you thinking on a different wavelength or something! :)

Ok, to get out of this one, you could say you somehow missed that he is separated and don't date guys who are just separated. But thanks anyway. (I don't date separated guys either - too many unresolved issues and always the possibility that they could get back together with their spouse and if I had let my heart start feeling things for them, then I would be hurt so easily - so I avoid the whole mix altogether!)

Donna, why do you think people are drawn to and become involved with unavailable people?

I had a friend who was like that and finally realized that she set herself up with unavailable people because when the relationships ended, as they always did, she could say, "well they weren't really available and ready for a relationship anyway" - so it absolved her of any of the blame in the failing of the relationship, and therefore she didn't have to look at any of her shortcomings and do the work that she needed to do on herself.

Eventually she did some counseling and did some work on herself and learned to feel better about herself and have more self-confidence - it was then that she began attracting more of the guys who WERE available. Not saying this is your issue, but just wanted to share this with you.

Hey enjoy your night with Real Life guy!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:32pm

Hi Vex,

I think we have established here that lack of photo, or lack of desire to provide one, can be a 'pink flag', leading to a Red one!

I will answer an email from Match, if they sound intelligent and seem to walk upright, but will ask for a photo. I give them the next 2 emails to skate, but after that, I need a photo. As far as their attractiveness, it is a Human factor, and I am not looking for Matt Damon in a Leonardo Dicaprio suit, but I am gonna want to be Able to look at this person to speak with him, so....Have found also, as I am sure all have, that looks can become completely VOID, if the person is mean, acts ugly or has awful manners! So, I am more willing now, than before I started OLD, to give a person that might not be my 'first tier' a chance....omg! Have I matured? Scary!

I attribute that to the good people here and what is said about letting personality, temperament,and humor, be a guidepost, as well.

Bottom line...they have seen my photo, fair that I see theirs, no?

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:35pm

Donna, good answer, but amjay's sentence of "please take this as final" might have been good there too (even though I have never had the courage to use that! :-)) At this point, I say just block him and don't even answer that reply. There is no point - not only is he only separated, but you are not attracted to him. 'Nuff said.

sunshine might be onto something here. Have you ever read the book "He's Scared, She's Scared"? It is about this kind of thing and being a passive or active commitmentphobe. A passive commitmentphobe will unconsciously choose people that are wrong for them or in some way unavailable (distance, emotionally, still married, etc.) almost guaranteeing that the relationship will not work and so when it doesn't, you have a ready made excuse for why. All your "not over the girlfriend" guys who need therapy, the "not yet divorced guy" that SAID IT IN HIS PROFILE and even your "just for fun" guy tonight are all examples of people that in some way are unavailable. Even tho this separated guy says he is available, you didn't know that going in and you went ahead communicating even tho it was a red flag to you. I am definitely not suggesting you need therapy, but you might check out that book. I have read most of it and found it to be VERY helpful and I can see myself in a lot of the descriptions of the passive CP - I usually pick guys that are not available too.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:37pm

Hi D,

I might skirt the main issue and say that I prefer that the other person be divorced, with all issues final and separate when we meet; ie, 'finish what you started, then come back'. This way, you do not have to maybe give him a 'dig' he might not need right now.

"Separated" bothers me in a profile, because I fear it means: "as long as my wife are not in a room together...we are "separated"! Like a lot of pilots say: "My wife is married, I am not". Now, you know why I do not date Air Dogs!

If he persists though, I guess you are gonna have to drop da bomb...

Hope this helps!

truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:43pm

I'm with everyone too. I will not initiate an email to a person without a photo in the profile. If I get an email from one, I will ask for a pic in the first reply while responding to their questions and asking a few of my own to see what they are like and if there is any common ground. I usually use the "Hey, would you mind sending a picture because since you have seen what I look like, it is only fair that I know what you look like, right?" tactic too. Which I fully believe - it is only fair to EXCHANGE pics.

As far as how important physical attraction is to me, I think it is important too but I am attracted to such a variety and do not have a "type" so much. Sure, there are guys that I immediately find attractive but I have also gone out with guys that are not conventionally handsome but who are attractive and become more so because of their sense of humor and the way they treat me. That winds up making them more attractive but I think there has to be some level right off the bat.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 1:59pm

Hi Donna,

I posted before I read your post (#12) that you had replied to him and then he replied back to you. He is trying to reel you in with his understandng words of discussing details and whatever makes you comfortable. Ah yeah - he just wants his emotional Bandaid applied and to be comfortable!!! Possibly a person who wants to take the easy way out and to replace his wife with another body ASAP to make himself feel better... Donna I hope you don't anwer him. Next!!!

Vexer's suggestion of that book about commitmentphobe people sounds good, I think I just might have to read it - you never know what you can learn...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 3:23pm
Wow great pic. My boyfriend is getting out of prison tomorrow so we'll have to meet fast. I really would prefer not meeting anywhere near my house. The last time one of his friends from the Badass Brothers Biker club rode by and I thought they were going to take both the front door and my living room door off the hinges. Luckily for the house the guy who was over opened the front door and all that happened is they took him out and had a talking to him. Come to think of it that guy never came back! Hopefully you'd stick around for longer and wouldn't mind being discrete. I would not want my boyfriend to violate his parole violation. Manslaughter was a tough sentence for him to serve. Write back soon. XOXOXO
Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:22pm

Hi Vexer..

Well..it was just like I said in my original post..not everyone was going to agree with my "tactic" regarding pic posting/sending/receiving, so to speak...certainly prompted a lengthy discussion though, didn't it?

Ah..been some time since I used these boards.. have not changed a bit..lol :)

Cyclegirl

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