a piece of suggestion

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
a piece of suggestion
35
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:28pm

Hi there,

I've noticed that here we're talking a lot about "red flags", such as "you should be careful with guys who are so and so" etc. There are things people can change (such as hygiene, selection of clothings etc.), or cannot change. Commenting about something people can't change in this public forum as a red flag sounds plain brutal and thoughtless to me. Examples I can think about are talking about people who are:
- being short
- being certain ethnicity
- being single and have never married before
- having some health problem
- having non-attractive physical features

Are we super models or perfect people? I think everyone needs a little break and we shouldn't be harsh on something we can't change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:12pm

HI SS,

Ditto for me, on everything you said! Thanks! I am not sure that being short is known here as a "red flag"; it seems as though we have decided that being short (ah-hem..."vertically challenged"! :), overweight, bald, etc. are just personal preferences.

To me, the "red flag", or even the "yellow" ones are the issues that we have all spotted in common; or we have found a common thread in some things that come up in profiles or conversations, as we meet OLD 'possibles', that SEEM to lead to certain negative behaviours that we all find loathesome, including lying and other undesireable issues. For me, it is a Big help to be 'aware' of these things, as written here by a group of people whose opinions and insights I value HIGHLY. So that we go into it with 'eyes wide open".

As my Gramma said "God made you great, but He did not make you better than Anyone else" , and I do not think, in Any way, that I am superior. I believe in me, I know I have faults, and I work on them, and others, I wannna 'brat' and Keep! I like 'me', because if I do not, then WHO else will?
And unless there is an 'economy sized' Supermodel category.....

In this same vein, my favorite new Cupcake-ism, (apply as needed!) is "he thought he was Brad Pitt in a Matt Damon suit"! Feel free to change the names as needed, maybe throw in a Nicholas Cage or a Leonardo Dicaprio, to taste.

Amen Up in th' House!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:19pm

Tonka, this board is an extension of "in real life."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:40pm

I am a little confused by your examples. I have spent a great deal on this board and I have never read ANY post that listed these as red flags.

<<<- being short
- being certain ethnicity
- having some health problem
- having non-attractive physical features>>>

In fact I have never really read a post where ethnicity was discussed in length unless it was someone stating they were being discriminated against. The only Disease or health problem that we have discussed as anything close to a flag is any STD's, which most people would agree with, whether or not they consider this a flag is irrelevant, it is still a HUGE issue that most people would take time mull over before deciding to proceed.
This board has its own language for certain situations that we all understand without further discussion but we need to be clear about what a flag is. A flag is an indicator that a situation's outcome most likely will not be positive, it is NOT by any means an insult or a judgement passed on ANYONE. I know everyone cannot be open and ambivalent to things that are said by others or things that may personally offend them, but a certain amount of tolerance is required when a group of people from such different backgrounds interact. I understand Tonka, that you may feel that some of the topics comments are out of line, for whatever reason, but of course that is YOUR opinion. The same way your opinion is respected, the opinions of other posters are respected, respect doesn't require agreement.
I completely agree with CGUN, as long as you don't violate the TOS, everything should be fair game. No one will learn anything if we all hold anything outside our value set in contempt. Its very easy to say that if you don't like it don't read it, but im not sure that really gets to the core. In an open forum like this, usually its majority rule, if everyone else seems to understand that nothing said here is written in stone, then maybe we need to explore our own need to chastise anyone for commenting in a way that PERSONALLY offends us.

GM

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:44pm

Hi there, I never said all things I posted were listed in the board. They were examples I could think of. I feel like we are going circles here. I understand that here, people intend to just talk about their preferences, ("red flag" or whatever, what I mean is something unchangeable which aren't really their own fault.), and I say, "I think there're certain remarks you just don't make if you're compassionate about others." and you say you're simply talking about preferences.

I'm not a pc police, for god's sake, and as someone said, I've simply ignored many posts I didn't respect or agree with, but I sometimes feel people talking whatever they want to say here including some discriminatory comments can hurt some others' feelings.
As to those sexual diseases you brought up, sometimes out of unfortunate circumstances, people happen to get one, and yeah, that's a trouble, that's a nasty thing to even think about, and I think it's a great educational topic and discussion, but some remarks can reall hurt those who fight with those diseases. It's not something they simply ignore and "change the channel".

If this is another reality that people always talk about things including something negative, my point is, this is a forum for supporting each other, and we should try to support and learn, instead of extending the reality with full of disgusting comments, as many of you said. I think most of the times there're many supportive postings and comments here, and that's the reason I like to hang out :) but I've come across a few discriminatory comments, too. There is a difference between comments in which posters are simply questioning own value and asking for some other perspectives and those in which posters're looking down on a certain category of people. If we ever fit into one of those categories, I imagine we really understand what to think about.

So people can say whatever they want to say and those who get hurt should just close their mouths and move on? I feel a bit strange.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:51pm
I am overweight.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:25am

"So people can say whatever they want to say and those who get hurt should just close their mouths and move on?"

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. We live in a free society with a first ammedment. You can't change people's behavior, only how you will react to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:41am
I don't take the opinions of strangers personally. I don't even take the opinions of people I know well personally. It's their opinion and has nothing to do with me. Their opinions don't make them right, it's just their opinions and people's opinions say more about the person expressing them than it says about the object of their opinions. A friend once told me that an opinion I expressed within her hearing "hurt" her. I didn't even think it applied to her, but she did. I told her I would be more careful about expressing my opinions around her, and she said that wouldn't be good enough since I would still think my thoughts, and what I was thinking might hurt her. Go figure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 11:48am
agreed dari. And again, I point out, if we don't discuss these things, how can anyone ever learn about things? People have changed opionions based on things that have been said out here. If it hurts your feelings, just don't read it, tonka. I think you might be being overly sensitive about this. And as others have said, we can write anything we want as long as it doesn't violate the TOS which while it does include no personal attacks on a single person, it doesn't include discussing groups as a whole or things such as you mentioned.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:07pm
I don't think discussing issues is wrong, don't take me wrong, but generalizing all people into one category without really knowing or trying to understand each person's situation and give some negative comments about all of them isn't quite right, I feel. - probably close to stereotyping, and I've seen it in a few comments, not all issues we're discussing. I agree that probably that's an attitude to take: avoid those ones which offend us - we know some people hated about those trashing messages and actually left from this site. Yeah, I'm not really sensitive and there're things I have just laughed and dismissed, but if some comments particularly trashes about particular features you're fit into, you're o.k., but it's not really funny. Same thing, I'm o.k., I don't take it personal most of the times, but it bugs me a little if it keeps on and on. I'm not trying to be a good kid or a policeman here, I've said some thoughtless things probably here, too. It just makes me rethink if someone stabs my back.
Is there any reason you need to attack my comment?


Edited 3/23/2005 2:09 pm ET ET by tonka04
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:23pm
Of anyone out here, I feel as if I am attacking your comment the least! Everyone else has told you that if you don't like it you can lump it. I am taking the stance that everyone can be educated by talking about these stereotypes we might have and learn to appreciate them more and be less prejudiced. Why are you attacking me instead of some of the others that have been a lot more harsh in their comments?? Read my post #6. I feel I am being pretty understanding there and even apologizing that you felt offended and saying that how can anyone overcome ignorance if they can't talk about these things? Avoiding talking about them doesn't make the prejudice go away - it only makes it worse.


Edited 3/23/2005 2:28 pm ET ET by vexer_hw

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