a piece of suggestion

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
a piece of suggestion
35
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 11:28pm

Hi there,

I've noticed that here we're talking a lot about "red flags", such as "you should be careful with guys who are so and so" etc. There are things people can change (such as hygiene, selection of clothings etc.), or cannot change. Commenting about something people can't change in this public forum as a red flag sounds plain brutal and thoughtless to me. Examples I can think about are talking about people who are:
- being short
- being certain ethnicity
- being single and have never married before
- having some health problem
- having non-attractive physical features

Are we super models or perfect people? I think everyone needs a little break and we shouldn't be harsh on something we can't change.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:25pm

I raised this on the other board but haven't seen a response from you...how is raising a question about whether people who've been single for a long time can adapt to being married stereotyping or generalizing? It's a valid question, IMO. Some people who've been single all their lives are too used to and comfortable with their single lifestyle to adapt to being in a relationship, because doing so requires a lot of compromise and give and take. Not *everyone*, obviously, but enough that it makes sense pay attention and see if that's an issue in any given situation (which is all a red flag is...something to make you sit up and pay attention).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:45pm
Sheri, I apologize, I haven't seen your other post and didn't repond to it. and vexer, I didn't mean to attack your comment individually, you happen to be the last poster when I saw and I simply hit "return to the post." I can't respond all but I've seen through everyone's. I think we're basically talking the same thing. Generalizing about single people at age such as such and asking "are they adept?" may not be far off for those who have chosen to be single and intend to be so in the future, but there're thousands of people also out there who haven't found the ones for some reasons. Does it make them unqualified for living happy marriages? Asking "are *they* *adept*?" sounds awfully rude to many. Do we all have to feel like we can't have a normal marriage just because we haven't got married at age such and such? I think it makes more sense if it says, "guy I am talking is age xx and has never married, I am not quite sure if he is commitment phobia." or something like this. No need to involve all other people by categolizing it. Again, if we're not fit into the category, this is something we just laugh at and feel "too sensitive" and don't really give a thought.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:51pm

The original post in on this topic thread reads "would they ever be able to adapt to married life? (Especially the men)", not "are they adept". Not the same thing at all.

I still say that's a legitimate question to raise, and it's not a laughing matter to me, but a serious, thoughtful question.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 9:34pm

Sheri, talking about the post, I read it as "would *they* *ever* *be able to* *adapt* to married life?". I don't understand where T H the "35 and over" suddenly came from, and what does it reflect? BTW, it's not "would HE ever be able to adapt to married life?"
well, it's only our speculation what her intention is, as she hasn't responded to any of those counter-arguments as far as I looked.

You thought it was great, great, I didn't.

Avatar for bluebird1234
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 10:54pm

I haven't read all the rest of the posts yet, but wanted to throw in my 2 cents before I do! Of all the things you listed, I wouldn't consider any of them red flags, with the possible exception of never having been married - depends on the age!

The things you mention are more like personal attraction preferences. What one person likes on a guy/girl, someone else may not, and its okay! We all have them, and there is nothing wrong with that. Chemistry is a funny thing.

Red flags are more like character flaws, and those are the things you need to take a hard look at, i.e., someone who drinks too much, out of control recreational drug use, someone with a short temper, someone who wants to monopolize all of your time, get too serious too fast, or has financial problems. Those are the things you want to slow down and say, whoa, do I really want to deal with those problems/be with someone like that? Those are red flags.

Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:00am

And 2 cents as well..

Vexer and Bluebird were on the mark..the things that you listed were not what I would consider "red flags"..

Examples of things I would consider a red flag that I have actually experienced:

-wont' give me a home phone number, only a cell phone number (can mean they are married or in a LTR already)

-tells me he has a great relationship with his GF but wants to me ME for coffee..oh, brother!

-job jumper...someone who is in the 35 something range...(a younger 20 something guy I would not consider this a red flag).unless he's contract worker...that tells me he got some issues going on in his life

-a drinker or drugger...BIG red flag

-recovering alcoholics/drug abusers-they have to have a couple of years of sobriety under their belt...ie. AA's know if they are really working their program,they are to stay out of new relationships for the first year. It interfers with recovery if they don't

-ex-wife has moved, taken the kids and not told him where (ah, HELLO,really scary)

-wants to get to know me and my family, friends from the get go..sort of "infiltrate" my circle too quickly equals=PBB (Possible Bunny Boiler)

-calls 10x a day--e-mails even more (way too needy and stalker material)

-gets jealous easily\bad temper

-always has excuses why he can't meet me at certain times

-shows up at my job/home without calling first (also, stalker material)

-wont agree to meet me in person

-been legally separated from him wife for 3 years and she works in his office as his secretary!!! (seems like an obvious one, but it took me a 1.5 years to get the message this guy just wasn't going to committ...lesson learned.."married is married" as Iyanla Vanzant says....if they want to be with you...they end old relationships and get a divorce!)

-recently divorced..think the rule of thumb is 2 years for someone who has been divorced to go back out there...I stay clear of recent divorcees..still too much stuff they need to sort out with themselves..time heals all wounds..

-wants to see what you look like immediately..I won't send a photo until I have actually talked to the guy and set up a date..I am sure there will be those that will disagree..someone who wants to see what I look like online from the get go before getting to know ME says they are a bit immature...focused too much on the physical like a teenager...screams low self-esteem

I didn't have any guidelines to go by previously..I learned by experience, talking/discussing with others with experience...(spent over a year on the Mending Broken Hearts board). I had to be taught how to see the signs as I did not have a good frame of reference in my life.

There was a great line from the show "Providence" that the main charactors mother said to her when a relationship ended "when its the right one, there will not be any obstacles"

I could go on and on..but I think you got the gist...I think red flags refer more to behaviors, yes??

Cyclegirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:25am
wow, cycle - I have to say I TOTALLY disagree with the not sending a picture until you have set up a date!!! Yikes! Yes, I want someone to get to know me for me, but I have preferences and things I find attractive and not attractive. I want to see what a person looks like to make sure that there will be some small measure of physical attraction (and no actual revulsion!) on my part to the guy. I have been contacted by people from all walks of life and people that were very attractive and fit to people that were 100 pounds overweight or literally looked like Oompa Loompas. I would not trust anyone that would not make their picture available right away or at least send one upon first request. And I think most people out here would agree with me that refusing to send one until a meeting is set is a huge red flag. Interesting that you feel the opposite tho. But since physical attraction is a big piece of any relationship, I would really rather not waste my time with someone that I will never be attracted to.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:50am

Have you been able to set up a date without a picture? I will not meet without knowing what they look like. No picture is a deal breaker for me.

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:50am
YES, I admit "red flags" probably didn't fit into what I was talking about, and I have been consistently saying that I'm talking about some features people can't change such as height, physical feature etc., and it's not the topic itself, but it's rather how some posters present it with negative nuances by categolizing the whole group of people. Do I need to make something else clear about what I want to say? Let me know if I haven't explained everything. Thanks for your explanations. They're about behaviors and yea, they're red flags..
Avatar for cyclegirl36
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 9:53am

Hi Vexer

I will tell you why I would do it that way...I found when I was just "pup" at this online thing..I would talk to guys online and the first thing they would ask me for was a pic from the get go..then wanted to know measurements, etc...I mean..you gotta be kidding? Were these guys for real? It was really pissing me off...

I started the "weeding out" process by NOT sending my pic or requesting theirs..spend more time "chatting" via e-mail/IM...you can usually (but definitely not always) get a good feel from a person by the way they write and respond to you..stage 1

If I liked the correspondance..took it a step further and did the phone thing, then the meeting...I really didn't want them to see what I looked like from the get go..why? Because I am attractive and that is all that men would see...some guys would say "you are out of my league", without giving me a chance..tired of being judged by beauty only...in the past, the men who shall I say "made my toes curl" so to speak:) were not all that physically attractive..average..

I have dated some very nice looking men..doesn't guarantee there any substance to them..in the experience I had with the nicer looking men..well, looking back,I had to send out a search party to find the substance...I did actually go out with a guy JUST because he was so handsome..I was younger then though:)

As for fear of them being a Oompa Loopa..LMAO on that one!!!..I tend to seek out men that like to do sports, like outdoors, etc. because that is one of my main interests..I have not met one O.L. yet..LOL..so funny, Oompa Loopa!!! still cracking up over that one...

Its VERY important to me that I can talk to someone,not just on an intellectual level, but more specifically, a spiritual one...that comes first for me...physical beauty fades with age..spiritual beauty does not..

Old woman signing off..thanks for your input:)

Cyclegirl