a player may wait for several months!!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
a player may wait for several months!!?
4
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 3:39am
Hi again. Thanks for great comments. But, Niceguy: a player might wait for several months? Anyone had that experience?
And, OK, no oral, is a guy likely to stick around for less? Wait weeks for a kiss?
How do you know if he is a player?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 5:07am
My ex-BF waited 4 months for anything. I also feel that oral sex is a lot more intimate that sex, so he waited there too. But is a player really waiting. They already have someone lined up to give them exactly what the want or will find someone else to give it to them. Was he a player, I really have no idea. But he would put up is profile to see who would contact when he knew I was out and about with my friends. So that gave me the notion that he is either a player (I actually didn't think he was good looking enough to be one) or trying to be one. Remember, there are plenty of women out there that will give them what they want with no strings attached. I just got back from a date and his cell phone was in the car, he had a message. I was joking around and said let's see who it is and he looked and said "It was someone looking for a booty call."
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 10:38am
Do you suppose he might have been joking?
Linda
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 10:48am

The very worst kind of player (IMO) is the kind who thinks it's a big game to get you to fall in love with him so he can break your heart when you find out it was just a big game to him (think of John Malkovich's character in Dangerous Liaisons). So, yes, if several months of courting you is what it takes, then he'll invest several months (but most likely he will have a source of sex you don't know about on the side).

Yes, good guys will "stick around for less"! And wait weeks for a kiss, if that's your comfort zone.

The only way to know if someone is a player is to observe his behavior carefully, over time. Is he consistent in his words and actions? Does he show integrity in all aspects of his life (i.e, he consistently does the right thing because it's the right thing, even when nobody's watching)? Do his stories about his past r'ships ring true? Does he have good friends who seem like good guys? Is his past with women rather shady (not to say that someone *can't* change but the best predictor of past behavior is future behavior)? These are the types of things you can't learn overnight or in a few dates. That's not to say that a very skilled player couldn't charm and fool you for a couple-three months, but you will substantially reduce your risk by waiting and making careful observations.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:16am

alumette, I understand your concerns about players. They are certainly out there. Here's my thinking on the subject.

About waiting to see if he's a player: this still won't guarantee that the guy will stick around. The purpose of the dating stage is to get to know one another, to figure out if each of you feel you are a good fit together. A man or a woman may spend a couple of months with someone and simply decide the fit isn't there. Personally, I wouldn't invest more than 2 months without *taking the pulse* of whatever relationship I had with a guy. This would be question time: are we both willing to date exclusively and see where we can go with this? The answer will be no unless he unhesitently says yes.

Frankly, anyone who spent 2 months with me would know enough about me to make that kind of decision. To quote that great American icon: I yam what I yam. :):)

About players generally speaking: Rather than spend time worrying about whether or not a man is a player, concentrate on whether or not you are the kind of girl who can get played. Do you judge a man's worth by his charm or by the fact that he seems to tell you what you want to hear? Do you get the feeling he is moving too fast and think it's because he really really likes you?

Or does he do what he says he is going to do, and when? Like Sheri says, what are his other relationships like (siblings, parents, exes, colleagues)? Does he talk about what he does when he's not with you?

Another perspective, something for you to think about.

amjay