Please help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Please help!!!
9
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:10am
I met this amazing guy on american singles. Weve been talking for over a month and we have a really strong connection. He is a total sweetheart and we totally mesh. He's been signing his emails "your future husband" and we've been totally in sync. Things couldnt look better right? Well, we might Friday night in person and we had an amazing time. I have never connected like this with someone before, so quickly, it was the perfect date. He called me when he got home that night to thank me for such a wonderful evening. Saturday rolls around and we both had horrendous days. We chatted for a little while and I dont even know what happened but we had a slight argument and he sent me an email about his past relationships and said he just doesnt want to get burned again....that he's been looking for someone like me for so long but he just doesnt know how to be with anyone anymore. I was "sick" with emotion all saturday night and yesterday and we talked a little last night on im and he said he just doesnt think he can have a relationship. i told him that he needs to let go of his fears and just let things flow naturally and i will be patient with him. well, he said to call him last night and i did....he didnt answer his phone...he then called me back at 11 because he was so sorry he had fallen asleep (he owns his own business and had been working all weekend and got 2 hours of sleep) so i said it was OK I wasnt mad at him and that I would talk to him tomorrow. Well, he called me at 6 this morning...i had my cell next to me so i picked it up and he said "i just wanted you to know that since it's raining my day is pretty much shot at work" so if you want to call me i will be around this afternoon to talk.

please help!!! i like this guy so much i need advice. i mean, on one hand he says he is scared and is running away...but if a guy is not interested there is no way that he would call u at night (after missing your call) and again at 6 in the morning.

PLEASE HELP!!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:46am

I think he's interested, but he's also telling you, in no uncertain terms, that he is an emotional basket case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:49am
thank you for your advice...he is a basket case....but i dont want to just not see him again. i guess what im trying to figure out is what should i say when i call him later? i really am at a loss for words
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:53am

Well, what do you want to convey to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:53am
Hi,

I hate to say this, and I could be wrong, but I see red flags all over the place. First, before even meeting you he signs his emails "your future husband"? I would be very leery of someone who is suggesting he will marry you before he's even met you! That to me is very unrealistic and suggests that he is living a fantasy rather than thinking about real life. Second, his email about being burned in past relationships - too much, too soon. Everyone has baggage, but after one date to be pouring out his life story? (I don't know what this guy's story is, btw, but this is classic commitmentphobic behavior -they come on strong, open up to you emotionally, promise you the moon - then, when you actually start to reciprocate they panic and disappear.)

Then, he's calling you at 11pm and 6am after one date? Unless you specifically told him he could call that late/early (and I suggest that you NOT tell him he can), I would guess that he has trouble respecting boundaries. He doesn't care if he's waking you up or calling at a bad time, he just wants to talk to you when he wants to talk to you. My bf has a few times called me late and so I asked him not to call after a certain time absent an emergency - and he has respected that.

I'm really sorry to say all this, I just have to give you my honest opinion. If I were in your situation and really wanted to continue seeing him, I would slow things way down. See him once or twice a week, talk on the phone two or three times a week - and during reasonable hours.

I hope things work out for you.

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 12:19pm
I think he enjoyed the fantasy of an on line relationship but when he met you in person he realized - because he had built up all these unrealistic expectations - that you weren't his fantasy woman that he'd been writing to - I think it was a little silly of you to pay attention to the "future husband" stuff - other than to see it as a huge red flag - someone living in a fantasy world of typing and talking - and for both of you to assume that this was nothing more than a first date between complete strangers who happened to have online personas that clicked.

Sure you could have clicked in person - but not with all those fantasy expectations - so much pressure and so much unnecessary pressure - faced with the reality of you in the flesh, he is unwilling to put in the effort and take the risk to get to know you - and you have no role in trying to convince him otherwise - that is for a third party or a therapist to do, on his initiative. You took the risk by developing this fantasy based attachment that in reality it would not click. Let him go and realize you are not interested in a fantasy on line relationship - so next time I would exchange 2-3 emails at most, one to two phone calls and then meet in person if you see any potential for beyond email penpals. Let this one go - if he wants to make the effort he'll let you know and above all don't take it personally - that one person doesn't think you do it for him is irrelevant to whether you are lovable and desirable - please know that and internalize it. Also anyone who makes those grand statements about future husband likely doesn't have any desire for anything beyond a fantasy relationship. You don't need that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 8:06pm
2 questions:

If he said he just doesnt think he can have a relationship, have you asked him why he is using a Singles dating site?

What is it about this guy you like so much? What qualities/characteristics does he have that you find are "amazing"? What makes him a "total sweetheart" ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:35pm
honey, you are WAY too into this guy. he's either not stable or doesn't like you the way you think.

perhaps you could try acting a bit less desperate and you will be able to see the red flags... back off, quit calling him, let him pursue you and prove to you that he's worth your time and attention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 7:05am
To al of you THANK YOU for your responses......I wanted to let you know I found out yesterday that this guy is a complete psycho. He kept talking about the fact that his life sucked, he wishes he could jump off a bridge, and then he went on and on about how I "made him feel bad" over the weekend. I put him in his place, and thanks to you laides, I gained some perspective.

Just as a caveat, I am NOT a desperate woman. It just hurts when someone puruses you and you are made to think you did something wrong....and then.....you cant figure out what it is.

All I needed is some perspective, and I got it. Thanks!

For the person who asked me about the singles online thing...yes, I did ask him why he had an ad up and he explained that he was "Taking it down because he just couldnt deal with relationships"

this man is a commitment phobic, emotional basket case!

thanks ladies!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 1:52pm
I know you've finished with this guy, but I found this point to be interesting....

Before you *really* got to know him, you thought he was "amazing" and a "total sweetheart" - remember?

And now that you have taken the time to dig deeper, and scratch beneath the surface (or have chosen to SEE what was always there) he is a "complete psycho", and a "commitment phobic, emotional basket case".

It's interesting that people usually want to be *nice* rather than see anything negative (be *mean*). Let's not be so quick and eager to (mis)judge everyone as *GOOD*.

If we're not careful, this kind thinking: "total sweetheart" to "complete psycho" can become very dangerous, espcially when dealing with the Internet.

Take care everyone.