Please Help - I Need to Be "Talked Down"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Please Help - I Need to Be "Talked Down"
9
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:31am

Hi all,

Ok, over the holiday I met a guy who i've been talking to online who lives in Washington DC. I live in NY. We met and had an unbelieveable date. It was great! We got along really great and there was just tons of chemistry. Here's the nice thing. He was a total gentleman and even though I could tell he wanted to, he didnt even kiss me goodnight. It took all the way to the third date till we actually even kissed. At the end of the date he raved on and on about what a good time he had with me and said he didn’t want the night to end.

We hung out Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday morning until he left. He switched his time between his mother/family and me. Now, I will say that I was burned a bunch of times by guys, once VERY badly in a 6 year emotionally abusive relationship, which has caused me to have trust issues. Maybe that's why its hard for me to just "enjoy the ride" of the beginnings of a relationship anymore (not saying that that is what this even is yet, i'm just saying). This morning for some stupid reason just because he didn’t call me last night I had a sick feeling that something was wrong, so I wrote him an email telling him that I'm interested in him and I just wanted to know if what happened with us was just a "very temporary" thing, or if he is interested in pursuing something in that way with me. He wrote back and wrote "I would like to take things slow. I'm interested, so if this leads in that direction, it will put a smile on my face :) " Oh, I also asked him if he had a girlfriend (this was like the 5th time I asked him, he said no each time and told me "he's not into multi-tasking" and that "his mother didnt raise him that way"). He didn’t write anything about that, just exactly what I wrote above. I don’t know, I think I'm just being paranoid maybe here because I'm so used to being lied to. Please tell me what you guys think?? I have a tendency of ruining things like this, and I really like this guy and don’t want to ruin it. Do you all think he sounds like he's being straight? Supposedly he lives with a guy roommate… He said he is planning to come back and visit me in 2 weeks probably. How do I keep from going nuts inside worrying all the time and ruining things?? Please, I need some of you to maybe "talk me off the edge" here lol

Thanks
Jacki

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008

Take a deep breath :) It sounds like you found someone great! Don't worry about him not calling that night. Spending all those days in a row with someone still does not mean he needs to call every single night. You two are still in the beginning phases. I wouldn't be alarmed if you don't hear from him for even two days in a row. Also, you have the power to give him a call as well. Just take things slow...occupy yourself with other activities. Keep your own life the way it was before he came along as much as possible. I know it feels great to find someone new, but you also shouldn't be thinking of him 24-7...I know it can be very hard!! :)
If you can't cool down, at least don't let all that worry show ...that could be a turn off and scare him away. You don't want that!

Let us know how things progress!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004

First let me say that I understand how you feel - it is totally normal to get excited by the prospect of dating somebody you really like and feel chemistry with.

What I would say is that you have to remind yourself that you really don't know this man yet. So far, you have just met his 'representative' and he yours. Try and remember that your life was fine before you met him and it will be fine if he disappears or disappoints you.

Try to take this man at his word - I wouldn't bother questioning him or asking for reassurance, firstly that comes off as quite needy and secondly, if he is untrustworthy or a liar, he's not exactly going to tell you that, is he?

There is just no substitute for time, so try very hard to exercise patience and if you possibly can, continue to date others so that your focus is not solely on this one person.

Just take a deep breath and relax - don't write e-mails asking questions like that - that's a discussion that you are better off having in person.

Continue to let this man pursue you - DON'T contact him when you are feeling insecure or looking for reassurance - call a girlfriend instead. Remember, men are most attracted to confident women - so be that woman and continue to be busy and active in your own life.

Hope this helps!

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001

I agree with the others about trying to "chill" about this guy. I know it's easier said than done though. I would have reservations about spending 4 evenings in a row with a guy this early in the game. From my own instincts and from what I have read on the board from other posters is that it is too much too soon. Naturally, you are going to expect phone calls daily or nightly if you spend that much time with someone right off the bat.

If he says he wants to take things slow, that is an indicator to me to let him make the next move. Yes, I have also been led on to believe that a guy was more interested in me than he really was, but I also know that just about anything can scare a guy off as well. Just do not let him know your insecurities and let him pursue you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006

I can totally relate to your feelings and agree with all the other replies to your message. I did the "crazy, emotional, girly" stuff with a guy I was so excited about and he eventually ran. When you pursue a man it comes across as needy, desperate and clingy, they run for the hills, I don't blame them. A couple guys did the "crazy" stuff with me, lots of emails, admiration, blah blah....it was too much too soon and I ran. After I was the recipient of the "crazy" treatment I then understood why my actions drove a good man away from me!

Remember, this is only ONE man, you DO NOT really know each other, you are "infatuated" with him right now. You need to stay focused on YOUR life and if this was meant to be it will happen. Let him take the lead, back off! You don't want a man that doesn't want you... you can't force a relationship. I suggest you go out today and by the book "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: Fool-Proof Ways to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind by John Van Epp" and start reading it. It will really open your eyes about why it is very important to GO SLOW (which is what the guy wants to do...smart guy!) to develop a loving LTR. Stop thinking about him 24-7, women tend to over analyze which causes relationships to bomb out. Start thinking about healing yourself, you recognize you have trust issues. You need to resolve your internal issues before you are ready to enter into a relationship anyway.

It has taken me several months to understand how good relationships are developed and get my life on track for ME. If I was meant to share my life with a man, it will happen but until then I'm going to enjoy me life to the fullest. Love yourself first and that is when you are open for the love from a man. Hope this helps and I wish you the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Just wanted to say congrats on meeting your new guy. I am in a situation kind of similar. I've been with my new man (who is recently my boyfriend) for a month and a half now and things are just still going so great. There is still a lot of attraction and chemistry on both our parts and we are still in the attraction/honeymoon phase and we seem so far to be a good match for each other. We have spent quite a bit of time together since we first met and we talk via text message and on the phone a lot so I know how it is to spend a lot of time with someone and then when you don't hear from them for a full day it can get you thinking about what must have happened. I agree with the other posters. Take it steady and since he said he would like to take it slow, allow him to set the pace. Most every man likes to be the one pursuing. I think the guy I'm with is very different from the typical man in that he has very effeminate qualities and loves to show his emotions and he likes receiving phone calls from me as often as I would like to call because he says he's very into me and I have that right, but I still don't want to smother him with calls because that does appear needy and I don't want to appear that way. So yes, let him take the lead, most guys like to do that and they like a little bit of a challenge. Not too much of one, but a little. Good luck with everything. Take a deep breath and pace yourself. I know it's hard to do because I'm in a similar scenario and I get overly excited and picture myself marrying this man etc etc, even though I shouldn't be picturing things as such yet. I think it's just in our nature as women to get overly excited and ahead of the game so to speak. Like someone said, time is the only indicator of if things will last for the long-haul because that's when you truley get to know someone and true love not infatuation develops over time. I need to take my own advice too. Let things develop as they are and not try to picture what will happen in the future, just enjoy the here and now. Patience is key which I don't have very much of to begin with ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Seeing a man you've just met every day of a 4-day vacation is a very bad idea. Did you even get to see the people (relatives/friends?) you were there to visit? It probably gave him the impression you might become needy down the road. That is why he let you know soon afterwards that the pace was too fast. Also, why did you ask him five (5!) times if he had a girlfriend? It's arguably not your business that early on, and he should have been asking YOU if you had a boyfriend. Even if you couldn't resist, once would have been fine. I would back WAY off, don't call, don't return his calls right away, and give him a chance to pursue you, lest he start to view you as clingy and weird.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006

Hi Natalieshaye,

You got that all wrong... HE was the one here in NY on vacation. Not me... HE was the one here to visit family. Not me... And we did not spend all day every day of the 4 days together... As I wrote, he split up the time between visiting with his family and visiting with me... We hung out in the evenings together... So no, I did not spend every day of MY 4 day vacation with him.

Just wanted to clear that up...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004

DONT SEEM CLINGY & DESPERATE .... & paranoid!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
I really apologize for misreading who visited whom, and am glad you at least did not blow off your relatives, but you still spent every day of a 4-day weekend with a guy you just met, asked him five times if he had a girlfriend, and grew anxious when you did not hear from him right away. If the situation were reversed, most girls would be asking their friends if they'd just met a possessive control freak. You need to get in the habit of having him call you (not e-mail) and ask you questions to move the relationship along, not vice versa. Please take everyone's advice and back off;do not call him or take his calls for a couple of days (let it go to voice mail) and refrain from asking him questions about his dating situation in the near future. Assume (and act as if) everyone (including you) has other dates, until HE mentions exclusivity. In the future, start things off a bit more slowly -- even if the guy wants to see you every day, don't do it. Just smile and say you have other plans. Otherwise, the relationship has nowhere to go but down, and fast.