Please Help - I Need to Be "Talked Down"
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| Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:31am |
Hi all,
Ok, over the holiday I met a guy who i've been talking to online who lives in Washington DC. I live in NY. We met and had an unbelieveable date. It was great! We got along really great and there was just tons of chemistry. Here's the nice thing. He was a total gentleman and even though I could tell he wanted to, he didnt even kiss me goodnight. It took all the way to the third date till we actually even kissed. At the end of the date he raved on and on about what a good time he had with me and said he didn’t want the night to end.
We hung out Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday morning until he left. He switched his time between his mother/family and me. Now, I will say that I was burned a bunch of times by guys, once VERY badly in a 6 year emotionally abusive relationship, which has caused me to have trust issues. Maybe that's why its hard for me to just "enjoy the ride" of the beginnings of a relationship anymore (not saying that that is what this even is yet, i'm just saying). This morning for some stupid reason just because he didn’t call me last night I had a sick feeling that something was wrong, so I wrote him an email telling him that I'm interested in him and I just wanted to know if what happened with us was just a "very temporary" thing, or if he is interested in pursuing something in that way with me. He wrote back and wrote "I would like to take things slow. I'm interested, so if this leads in that direction, it will put a smile on my face :) " Oh, I also asked him if he had a girlfriend (this was like the 5th time I asked him, he said no each time and told me "he's not into multi-tasking" and that "his mother didnt raise him that way"). He didn’t write anything about that, just exactly what I wrote above. I don’t know, I think I'm just being paranoid maybe here because I'm so used to being lied to. Please tell me what you guys think?? I have a tendency of ruining things like this, and I really like this guy and don’t want to ruin it. Do you all think he sounds like he's being straight? Supposedly he lives with a guy roommate… He said he is planning to come back and visit me in 2 weeks probably. How do I keep from going nuts inside worrying all the time and ruining things?? Please, I need some of you to maybe "talk me off the edge" here lol
Thanks
Jacki

Take a deep breath :) It sounds like you found someone great! Don't worry about him not calling that night. Spending all those days in a row with someone still does not mean he needs to call every single night. You two are still in the beginning phases. I wouldn't be alarmed if you don't hear from him for even two days in a row. Also, you have the power to give him a call as well. Just take things slow...occupy yourself with other activities. Keep your own life the way it was before he came along as much as possible. I know it feels great to find someone new, but you also shouldn't be thinking of him 24-7...I know it can be very hard!! :)
If you can't cool down, at least don't let all that worry show ...that could be a turn off and scare him away. You don't want that!
Let us know how things progress!
First let me say that I understand how you feel - it is totally normal to get excited by the prospect of dating somebody you really like and feel chemistry with.
What I would say is that you have to remind yourself that you really don't know this man yet. So far, you have just met his 'representative' and he yours. Try and remember that your life was fine before you met him and it will be fine if he disappears or disappoints you.
Try to take this man at his word - I wouldn't bother questioning him or asking for reassurance, firstly that comes off as quite needy and secondly, if he is untrustworthy or a liar, he's not exactly going to tell you that, is he?
There is just no substitute for time, so try very hard to exercise patience and if you possibly can, continue to date others so that your focus is not solely on this one person.
Just take a deep breath and relax - don't write e-mails asking questions like that - that's a discussion that you are better off having in person.
Continue to let this man pursue you - DON'T contact him when you are feeling insecure or looking for reassurance - call a girlfriend instead. Remember, men are most attracted to confident women - so be that woman and continue to be busy and active in your own life.
Hope this helps!
Coolas
I agree with the others about trying to "chill" about this guy. I know it's easier said than done though. I would have reservations about spending 4 evenings in a row with a guy this early in the game. From my own instincts and from what I have read on the board from other posters is that it is too much too soon. Naturally, you are going to expect phone calls daily or nightly if you spend that much time with someone right off the bat.
If he says he wants to take things slow, that is an indicator to me to let him make the next move. Yes, I have also been led on to believe that a guy was more interested in me than he really was, but I also know that just about anything can scare a guy off as well. Just do not let him know your insecurities and let him pursue you.
I can totally relate to your feelings and agree with all the other replies to your message. I did the "crazy, emotional, girly" stuff with a guy I was so excited about and he eventually ran. When you pursue a man it comes across as needy, desperate and clingy, they run for the hills, I don't blame them. A couple guys did the "crazy" stuff with me, lots of emails, admiration, blah blah....it was too much too soon and I ran. After I was the recipient of the "crazy" treatment I then understood why my actions drove a good man away from me!
Remember, this is only ONE man, you DO NOT really know each other, you are "infatuated" with him right now. You need to stay focused on YOUR life and if this was meant to be it will happen. Let him take the lead, back off! You don't want a man that doesn't want you... you can't force a relationship. I suggest you go out today and by the book "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk: Fool-Proof Ways to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind by John Van Epp" and start reading it. It will really open your eyes about why it is very important to GO SLOW (which is what the guy wants to do...smart guy!) to develop a loving LTR. Stop thinking about him 24-7, women tend to over analyze which causes relationships to bomb out. Start thinking about healing yourself, you recognize you have trust issues. You need to resolve your internal issues before you are ready to enter into a relationship anyway.
It has taken me several months to understand how good relationships are developed and get my life on track for ME. If I was meant to share my life with a man, it will happen but until then I'm going to enjoy me life to the fullest. Love yourself first and that is when you are open for the love from a man. Hope this helps and I wish you the best!
Hi Natalieshaye,
You got that all wrong... HE was the one here in NY on vacation. Not me... HE was the one here to visit family. Not me... And we did not spend all day every day of the 4 days together... As I wrote, he split up the time between visiting with his family and visiting with me... We hung out in the evenings together... So no, I did not spend every day of MY 4 day vacation with him.
Just wanted to clear that up...
DONT SEEM CLINGY & DESPERATE .... & paranoid!