Please Read Me, Can't Sleep

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Please Read Me, Can't Sleep
16
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 1:15am
Hi guys, Been awhile since I've trolled here but I was having a tough night and couldn't think of a better place to turn for support. I have been seperated for almost 2 years and still haven't been back into the dating scene. Tonite I'm feeling down because I got news of the ex and his happy new start with his current gf. They just had a baby together, yet he has completely abandoned the kids he has with me.
I have tried a couple online dating sites but have been frustrated with the results. Mainly free sites because money has been tight (no child support from the bum) so I decided to try out match.com. As I scanned through the profiles of men hoping to maybe spark an interest and lift my spirits it did just the OPPOSITE. I am a BBW and every profile I checked of these guys demanded a athletic, slender or average body. Even the regular sloppy joes are picky with the womens bodies! The more profiles I went thru the more depressed I was getting!!! I'm more than just starting to lose hope. I am absolutely beautiful and talented and have so much to offer but will be overlooked because I am overweight. It's just such a slap in the face to my confidence and esteem especially since I have been trying so hard to lose the weight.
I just am curled up and teary eyed tonight. Bad day I think for me. Should I be realistic and think that I'm not going to get the guy without the bod? I have a good amount to lose, 100 pounds but I'm very tall and really am extrememly beautiful. I think it is wishful thinking to believe the perfect man is out there that does not care and he is everything I could want and more.
Thanks for listening, Butters

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 1:37am

Hi, I just read your post and wanted to send a hug. I know it can be discouraging. I'm a plus size woman myself so I do understand your frustration. But there are men out there who don't mind or even prefer a bigger woman. I just had a first meet tonight with a nice looking athletic guy who seemed to be interested in me even though I'm not thin (of course we'll see if he actually calls again or not, ha!).

Have you tried any of the sites geared towards BBWs? You might have better luck on one of those.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 1:52am
I had to stop after reading your first sentence because I started crying again when you sent me a hug. THank you, it means alot to me. Its gonna be a long night I think. Where do you find these sites for BBW? Do you have any links? The news of the ex having his new baby hit me hard. He had a daughter and gave her a name I had chosen for our first daughter but decided on another instead. I lost my little girl to death, she had a genetic illness and it hurts that he abandoned me in my grief and abandoned his son we had together and replaced us. Here I am trying to cheer up by picking myself up and moving on and what I'm finding is that men don't find me attractive enough bodywise and that is important to them.
I'm reaching out because I don't want this depression to set in, I want to conquer it and move on and be happy. I don't want to be alone.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 2:13am

I can only imagine how difficult that must have been to lose your daughter, and I'm sure this news did hit you hard. It will pass, but it's still hard to go through it.

I just did a google search using "BBW Online Dating" as my search terms and a bunch of sites came up. I'd recommend checking out several and seeing which ones seem to have lots of members in your geographic area.

Hang in there!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 2:46am
thank you again, need hope desperately
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 9:35am

Butter I also send my hugs and support in what you are going through. I relate very well with what you are going through and I hope I can offer some suggestions to not only make you feel better about yourself but have some success in moving forward.

I, too, am a woman of weight. I have learned over the years that men react to me the way I react to me. I spent many years focused on my weight and how no one would love me because of it. In a nutshell I was rejecting myself before I allowed anyone else to. So when I began online dating I didn't let anyone reject me on their own. I sat for hours and hours and searched the websites that had the male profiles indicating they didn't want women of weight and spent those same hours feeling horrible about myself. But the truth is they weren't rejecting ME they were just being honest about what they desire in a woman. It's a shame they missed out on ever knowing me but that's their loss now isn't it? Butter...they aren't rejecting you personally. Those particular men are looking for a woman that would be acceptable to their friends and family and not necessarily looking for real love. Those men worry about what other people would think of THEM if they had a woman of weight on their arm. Butter you don't want any of those men in your life so in reality you need to reject them yourself. You want a man who will love and adore all your beautiful curves and shower you with the love you deserve. There are millions of women of weight that meet and fall in love every year so we know it happens. You have to be open to it. That brings me to my next point.

You aren't ready to date Butter. You can't completely give yourself to another human being when you are still mourning the loss of your marriage. You sound like you have been through so much and instead of trying to find a man you need to heal. I would highly recommend counseling (if the money is tight you can find it through your state agencies...look in the phone book under mental health). You need to be ready in order to be able to have the strength to handle the rejection that comes with dating. Whether you meet people online or otherwise you MUST be ready. Don't rush it....spend some quality time with your beautiful son and find ways to improve your physical being. I am in no way suggesting you lose the weight because we should all be who we want to be. But please don't hide behind the weight either. It is real easy to stay safe being in a body of weight. I spent many years wanting a healthy relationship but in reality I hid behind my extra weight.

I hope this helped. If you need anything else you can email me @ sanoden@sbcglobal.net I would be happy to help with anything you need.

I wish you luck and happiness Butter.

Fluffy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 10:20am

Hi Butter,

Here's another hug. I hope you're feeling better this morning. I know how those nights when everything is horrible and sad can be.

About your ex-- the important thing is to remember that you have a new life too. You are well off without someone as shallow as that man seems to be. Of course it hurts, but think about how much better it will be when you are strong on your own.

About dating and being overweight-- two things: (1) I am about 30 lbs overweight (and not tall) so I too worry about all these guys who want "slender" and "athletic and toned." Like you, I wonder what some of them are thinking about. They are fairly chubby themselves, but they won't date a "fat" woman? So I asked one guy, when we were talking on the phone and he was admitting that he had gained weight since the picture he'd posted on match, why, if he was even more overweight than his picture he was being picky about not wanting to date women who were overweight (his profile did not include "a few extra pounds" or "voluptuous" etc.). He told me that he would date women who were overweight but that he thought the profile was supposed to present the ideal and it was a no-brainer that everyone's ideal would be "slender." (He had contacted me, and I had the "few extra pounds" listed and my full-length picture shows I'm chubby, so he was telling the truth.)

In other words, there are guys out there that will date larger women, they just don't necessarily admit it on their profiles. What I've done is confine my search to men who describe themselves as "a few extra pounds" or larger. That is a better gauge, I think, of whether the guy will date an overweight woman than anything they say in their profiles about what they want.

(2) One of the most unattractive fat women I know is a secretary where I work. She is not terribly intelligent and she tends to be rather whiny. She has thinning hair, leathery skin and looks to be in her 60's, though she may be younger. She was widowed about two years ago. She already has a "boyfriend." I figure if she can get a boyfriend, anyone can.

Hang in there. It will get better.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 7:26pm
Hi Everyone, I wanted to thank you for the continued support and replies. I have been trying to keep my spirits up but it's hard to accept that I have no control over what my ex does although I wish I could of had him snipped when I had him! The dating thing is so hard, it has been over a decade since I have been out there and my husband was my first real relationship so this is so new. Online dating is so big and new! I don't know whether it makes things easier or harder!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2005
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 10:39pm

Hi Butter,

Here's another hug......

Super un-original I know but give yourself time.....

It's ok to feel sad, mad, hurt and everything else in between. You must build up your strenth and then only then, think about dating. I also just wanted to let you know that, In my opinon, online dating, seems to me much more cruel than real time dating, given has we are asked to place ourselves in categories and we often use the same categories to make our "selection". Often we (I) discover that "Tall, dark, fit and classy man" often is a "not so Tall, not so dark, not so fit and classy man." What people project to be and what they ARE very often are 2 or even 3 (;-P) VERY different "things".

Don't take the JOE'S too seriouly either... Laugh at them ... it helps and it's fun ;-P

W.




Edited 8/19/2006 10:42 pm ET by funnywinnie10
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-20-2006 - 4:41am

You know what? Now SHE (his gf) is stuck with a cheating, non-child-support paying, dead beat father - for HER kid. How long do you think its going to take him to do to her, what he did to you & your son.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 3:56am
I Just wanted to update that I am feeling a little more up today and I wanted to thank you guys again for making me feel better. I really needed a life and each one of you took the time to bless me with something sincere and heartfelt. This has been such a painful thing for me to deal with and it's been hard because I'm already raw from dealing with other pain if that makes sense. I really DO feel sorry for this gf even though I have heard she hates me even though she has never met me, all she knows of me is the lies he has told everyone to make himself look good. He repeatedly has tried to trash my reputation to excuse his own behavior but many out there have already seen the truth and it does set you free!
As for the dating, it is hard because it seems so cut and dry these days, like some of you said, they fit you into catagories and if you don't fit it leaves you feeling rejected (at least I do). Online dating seems to make the process of elimination really premature but then again I'm not sure if I have been doing it right. I haven't spent money on match.com or anything. Money is tight, can anyone recommend any tasteful free sites?
Hope everyone had a great weekend! Butters

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