pls help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
pls help
11
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 6:23am
In the beginning of Oct, I met a man online…we hit it off, and we’ve been dating for almost 3 mos….although we both have very demanding careers, we have been seeing each other regularly (he has usually only 1 wkend night off most wkends, and ever since our first date he’s planned a date w/ me during his 1 night off)…in addition, we have a weekly “phone date night” where we both catch up and chat. So things have been progressing very nicely given our circumstances and schedules. A few weeks ago, we slept together for the first time, and it was very nice  My concern..I don’t know if I’m overanalyzing, but I still have this very slight doubt in the back of mind as to how he feels about me…because he’s never come out and said anything about it. I know that it’s still pretty early (3 mos), but recently I’ve really felt like I’m beginning to develop strong feelings for him, and it’s scary because I have no idea if this is something he feels the same about/could in the future feel the same about/or may not want a committed relationship w/ me. Judging by his actions, he is 100% always very caring, considerate, and does very thoughtful things for me. We basically “act” like we’re a couple, although we’ve never had the “exclusivity” talk…I’ve just sort of trusted that he hasn’t been seeing anyone else. I know actions speak louder than words, but I would like to know how he feels about me…I don’t want/need to have a “daily relationship talk” or anything like that, all I really want is to hear it once, what he thinks. However, I don’t want to scare him off because I know it’s early, so I was thinking to maybe wait a month or so and bring it up depending on how things go. Important note – (what set me off the past few days): I was fine w/ “going w/ the flow” the first 3 months, but several days ago I logged back on to the website (which I had canceled about a month or so ago) to see if he was still active. He was, w/in 24 hours. Given his schedule, I know there’s NO possible way that he could meet someone else, and since things have been progressing so nicely for the last several mos, I don’t think he’d want to bring another girl into the picture…but I just have to wonder, because I was honestly a little surprised (and sad) that he still not only has a profile, but is still regularly using this site. Any and all honest opinions, feedback, and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
In reply to: eten2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 8:02am
I don't think you're overanalyzing nor is 3 months too soon. You just want to know where this relationship is going. If the feelings are mutual. It's best to bring up exclusivity now so you know where you stand. If not it will bother you. If he does care about you and feels this might go somewhere he will ease your mind.
Then, there's the chance he doesn't want to be exclusive. It's best to know now and not invest another month or two into it.
For some people having 1 date a week and 1 phone call a week is fine. But, I personally, would like more communication. Whether it's an online chat, an IM, an e-card. Just keeping in touch daily or every other day. I keep hearing how busy everyone is and I'm sure everyone can find 5 minutes in their schedule to make a quick phone call.
What I would like to know is Is it better for the guy to bring up exclusivity? Being that it is a sign he really is interested in pursuing a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
In reply to: eten2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 8:22am

I'm in the same boat as you. I've been dating a man for almost 3 months as well and we haven't had "the talk" yet. We have slept together, but only once and that was almost 3 weeks ago! He hasn't tried again since! We see each other once or twice a week and talk daily. Lately I've been frustrated with the whole sex thing and him being so non-chalent about things that I told myself I wasn't going to make the effort anymore, if he wanted to see me he would have to bring it up (cause I was always initiating a date, but he always said ok). I haven't called him all week and he has been reguarly calling me every night w/o me having to worry about it. He's been busy all week but tonight is his first open night and he hasn't asked me to hang out. He's just sending these mixed signals and I'm not sure what to do with it. If he's trying to back out of this, I'm giving him the chance, but why is he still calling me??

I've decided I have to talk to him cause I'm going to drive myself nuts if I don't. I also think you should talk to your guy. Men would rather steer away from this talk, so they aren't going to bring this up. If you feel this strongly about your man, tell him what you expect, but if he doesn't reciprocate, get out now. Don't waste another couple of months "hoping he will turn around." Find somene who appreciates you. I know that's what I'm going to do if my guy is wishy washy with the whole "talk". These kind of things just aren't worth the hassle and drama anymore.

Layx2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: eten2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:22am

After 3 months it is time for the exclusivity/take your profile off the site talk. Actually, the exclusivity talk was due before you had sex with him.

Go-with-the-flow only takes you so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2005
In reply to: eten2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 10:10am

Hi- I have two things to say- the first thing is I am going to disagree witht he poster that said you should of had the "exclusivity chat" b4 sex. I don't agree. Personally,I don't see anything wrong with having sex after a few months of dating and if the timing is right, and it feels right, then have sex. Now, I don't know if everyone will agree with me or not, but I feel like having sex can bring you closer and it also can allow you to tell if he is what you want- all around.... I am not saying go and sleep with him after the first two or three dates... I am simply stating that even if you haven't had "the talk", it's ok to have sex.

Second, depending on what kind of internet connection he has, his status of "24 hours" could just be b/c he has a constant internet connection. That is how mine has me on. And I haven't actively searched in weeks... Also, if he could be recieving mails from other women, and he logs on to reply to them and say no thanks....?? Just an idea.

DOn't jump the gun,casually ask him about it,....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eten2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:03am

Do you have any idea what type of relationship he's looking for (in general, not necessarily with *you*)? I prefer to find that out right away when I meet someone--are they at a point in their lives where they are looking for commitment and marriage, or are they just looking for sex and companionship? Or something else? I want to know we're on the same page before I spend time with them. So that would a good thing for you to discuss if you haven't already.

And I do agree that discussing exclusivity before you slept together would have been a good idea, but there's no time like the present ;-). I just am not comfortable with the idea of someone I'm having sex with and trying to form a relationship with going out on dates with other people, let alone having sex with them...it's just an "ick" factor. But I understand that everyone's different on this issue. But if it's important to you, I would raise it. I would include a discussion of taking all profiles down in any talk you have about exclusivity (it's also important to define what that means to you to make sure the two of you are on the same page).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
In reply to: eten2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 12:55pm


My honest opinion

the bottom line is there are no set "rules" about r'ships, because we are all each a unique individual and each have different needs but i think there is a general rule if you are looking for a serious long term r'ship you want to be sure your goal matches that of the guys you are dating. some guy date to find Ltr's and some date just to date.. also you want to be sure he is not just dating you for the good for right now girl while he is keeping his other options open after 3 mths if this is not what your goals are..

for e.g. MY goal is to find a LTR w/ a man I am very compatible w/ and have lots of chemistry w/ ending in marriage adn family someday.. My next goal is when I meet someone that i have compatibility w/and chemistry I would like to focus on that person only and vice versa. I have no time limits I just go w/ my feelings at that given time..

My current guy it took me a month-three mths before I decided that I wanted to get to know just him better and not date others.. WHEN we first met we did discuss how we viewed r'ships, what we were looking for and how we felt about monogamy and all that and we were on the same page. that was the start.. then about 3 mths i brought up again if he felt we should be seeing other people or only eachother and he had already assumed we "discussed" this and wasn't seeing any one else. i said then isn't it only fair then to take our profiles down and he agreed and we did. I haven't had any doubts or fears to check him.

so i think the bottom line is do what's comfortable for you adn WHAT you need. don't worry about him and scaring him. don't compromise your values /goals for someone elses.

often us women worry about scaring /the guys were dating or bringing up stuff. respect yourself and your needs and ask for what you want.. think of you first just like the men doo...

and if you are on the same page you will know..cuz he will tell you and shwo you in many ways

action! is the man's way to showing you..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
In reply to: eten2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 6:02pm
Wow! First off, thank you to everyone whom replied...this is my first ever post, and I was not expecting so many replies! All were really helpful, esp. because there were many different opinions and perspectives. I agree that if I could go back in time, I would have rather have had the "exclusivity talk" before sex..but when it happened it felt right, and I wanted to.
Because we're both traveling a lot, we won't see each until next Thursday at the very earliest, which will make 3 full weeks since we've seen each other. I'm going to just wait and see how that night goes...and if it feels right to bring up my feelings, I will then. If I decide not to bring it up then, hopefully I will work up the guts to put my feelings out there shortly thereafter. Thanks again to everyone for their thoughtful replies. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
In reply to: eten2005
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 6:07pm

New spin on things - period is late, so took an ept test. While false negatives are common, false positives aren't that common...and my test came out positive. We're both out of town visiting our families...he's returning tomorrow and I on Thursday. How do I tell him? If we talk on the phone prior to my return, or wait until in person Thursday night? I think he deserves to know asap, but I don't like the idea of telling him over the phone - I won't get to see his reaction and there will be no way for him to comfort me..right now the only thing I can imagine that would make me feel that everything will be okay is a hug from him.

I'd like to make an appt asap, and it's driving me crazy having to wait until Thursday...wow, and I thought I had problems before...any advice would be greatly appreciated...right down to even how tell tell him. Thanks everyone for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: eten2005
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 8:15pm

Wait, wait, wait... you had UNPROTECTED sex with this guy...?

I'm going to gloss right over that and offer up the advice I was going to offer prior to finding THAT out... usually Sheri (northwestwanderer) says this, and you may want to mull it over while you're now hoping he will comfort you with a hug -- don't assume exlusivity until you have had that discussion specifically, even if you are intimate and even if it seems that he doesn't have time to date anyone else.

I don't mean this in a mean-spirited way at all, simply being pragmatic.

Best wishes in this challenging situation -

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
In reply to: eten2005
Sun, 12-25-2005 - 8:24pm
we've only had sex 4 times...every single time we've used condoms, and the condom broke the last time we had sex. thanks for the advice.

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