Pretty sure I know this answer.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Pretty sure I know this answer.....
16
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 6:53am
Seeking advice,or maybe just reafirmation of what I already know.Met this guy in 1999,online,3 months prior to meeting me he moved this girl in his house because she became pregnant with his child on a one nite stand.She was 6-7 months pregnant then.I was soon to be going through a divorce ending 22 years with one man.After my now ex left,bout a week later,this guy asked if I was married,we had talked but never personal for 4 months by that time.Anyway,8 months of talking past and we decided we wanted to meet,as we were beginning to have feelings for eachother,more than friendship.He decided it was time to take custody of his kid and move the other woman out.He wanted custody because after he moved her in his house he had a vasectomy saying he didnt want to have anymore children with someone he didnt love,nor had he planned to marry her,only take care of her as she was the mother of his child,only child.In 2000 she won custody,she didnt take the child away nor did she move out,in 2001 they recieved joint custody,she stayed,2002 they recieved joint custody,she didnt leave.Now its 2003 and she is still living there waiting on yet another court date.He wont eccept joint custody,only full before he will allow us to meet...yep,weve never met to this day,only phone calls,emails,and messenger chat.He wont cam for me and allow me to see his face,Im not allowed to go see him,I dont know his last name,I cannot contact him in anyway.He has sent me 4 pictures of him in almost 4 years and only 2 were him.So tell me what you think,Im prepared.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:31am
Hey Cathy. Well, sweetie, if you already know what we will all say, then why are asking for advice? lol Im kidding. Listen, I will tell you first hand, I am not one of these that think you can't fall for someone through emails alone. You can! However, I do believe that if allowed you can fall into a fantasy and not look at the reality of it. You obviously have a connection of sorts with this man. That is good and all, but let me tell you....there are so many red flags here. I am not sure this guy is even emotionally ready to pursue a relationship with anyone. He is in the middle of a custody battle, and a divorce? WOW! Coming from someone who is divorced and a mother of two. I am seeing someone on line, well it is now long distance, since we talk on the phone mostly. Not on line too much, but I am still realistic about it. No, Mark and I have not met either, but he is planning to visit this summer. WE met in Feburary. I am by no means getting my hopes up though. If things dont work out, well so be it. I will be okay with it. I think there are some real serious questions you need to ask yourself. Are you willing to accept his secrecy? Not wanting you to see him on the cam, no phone calls, and such. That is crazy. This guy wants you to wait around to meet him, but he cant give you something out of this relationship. I mean, you are 2nd in his life. Are you okay with that? He seems to be making all the rules. Are you sure he is being honest with you about everything? I dont understand why he is trying to pursue things with you, when he has so much unfinished business there where he is. I would suggest a real heart to heart with this guy. Ask yourself what you want out of a relationship. I honestly, in my heart know that men can string you along, not because they want to , but simply because they cannot find a way to balance out their personal drama with their new relationship they want so badly. I know you too are supportive of each other, and you can be his friend and not get so attached right now. I think you two should remain friends until things are sorted on his end. It seems to dramatic for you to deal with. When you are recently divorced, getting involved with someone with that much drama can be stressful. I would just hate for you two to start out on a bad note with the relationship and the see it soon there after. My personal opinion, back off for a while and let him sort his life out on his own. Then, if it is meant to be for you two to meet, then so be it. I would not get involved with someone who is coming out of a relationship like that. The woman is still living there. You only know his side of the story, too. Who knows what goes on in that house when he is not talking to you. I mean, he cares for you, but what about the woman and the child. They are still there with him, so he cannot fully committ to you and how is that fair to you? I think you deserve someone's full attention. Not 2nd place. Just my opinion. Hope it helps. Goodluck to you.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 12:08pm
Hey Cathy,

I agree with Gail and would just add a more.First of all,you giving 4yrs to this non-existant relationship is a wonder in itself.Maybe you were not sure of yourself becoz of ur life events going on at the same time and when you go deeper,you may have felt this long distance thing comfortable...or that you deserved this....just ask urself......

When you raise your standards and set the limits and boundries for yourself...noone will ever cross it.....It dosen't matter if you are a mess or a train wreck or look like a whale or feel like dirt(we all do and look at some point in our lives when there is too much stuff going on)...but never compromise on your standards..They are different for diff ppl.....but u always know if u are uncomfortable(that means someone is crossing it)...and if 4yrs distance and not meeting was comfortable...its really about you....He may come up with all excuses...but you were accepting it all for all these years..WHY?

There are not red-flags in your post but RED PILLARS!!He seems to be a very controlling type of person...he says how this works,he tells you when you'll can meet,he decided how the communication should be,he wants total custody,he gets a vasectomy.....so he thinks only about himself and for himself.....something tells me he dosen't give a lot of respect to the essence known as woman....Yeah he wants the child but I just hope he dosen't raise the child up to be like him....all egoistic.(my opinion...he may be diff).

I think you should ask yourself if you'll be okay with always dancing to his tunes...its good when you are begining,its fine when you you are not feeling so good about urself but finally when u begin to see it as it is,u'll realise what a mess it is and then u'll have to begin from scratch...working on ur esteem,personality,years of life,hopes and dreams......why waste the time on him...4yrs is enough.

think about it hard Cathy...read books,biographies,selfhelp,or anything that will let you know that you are strong with or without a guy and then decide you need a guy to match that self assured person you are.

Here its like you are having a relationship with a ghostman...he's there for you but you cannot touch him or see him or feel him..it all happens when he wishes so!!and he dosen't even have a excuse like "I'm on other side of the world in this continent working about research of desert camels in the sahara,if only I learn how they retain water,I'll cure the water problems in all the 3rd world countries!!!" .....So Cathy,u see he dosen't really have a great excuse does he?

Take heart and keep posting...I hope I did not come off too harsh or judgemental,but self preservation is more important than anything else.

Take care,Anya
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 4:24pm
Two things to keep it short,

One....you are one patient woman.


Two....I'm betting he is married. I could be wrong I have no clue, just a guess on my part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 5:29pm
Thank you all for the advice.I will add he never married her,says they arent sleeping together,he dispises her and she sleeps on another floor,different level.But,I have never seen in his face in 4 years,online or elsewhere,just 2 photos.He has watched me go through abuse,divorce,eviction,hunger,relocation,repo,carless,he has never attempted to help me,he is financially secure and could have done so at anytime he choose appropriate,but his excuse was,Ive been used by so many for what I have and I want to make sure you love me for me...that made me feel better when I had lost 35 pounds in just over a month because the food I bought was for my kid.He has never sent Valentines,Christmas,Birthday,New Years cards,gifts or a real letter to me.He still doesnt want me knowing his last name,I know only a first name after 4 years,you would "think" after 4 years you would know if you could trust someone or not.He says I have trust issues trusting him........DUH?!?! wonder why?He did send a box 2 years ago had a couple small items in it,CD,incents,2 shirts,colonge he said he paid 100 dollars for I can buy at the dollar store for 3.50,the box the stuff came in had a bogus address on it,said his brother mailed it for him and he didnt tell him to do that,only I know he did it.I loved the gifts,but it hurt when I saw the address return,bogus.Im ready to meet him or leave I do not want to see 5 years online with one man because his loving me is not enough if I cant have the whole package,him.He doesnt understand,because he thinks I should understand his love for his daughter and be able to wait for him.I am 40 years old and have 3 children,one 20,getting married saturday,then I have a 17 and 13 year olds.His daughter is 3 1/2 years old,I would love to have her in my life,but you cant tell me in 4 years a man can not go see someone he says he loves not once because hes fighting custody.If the mother wanted just the child she would have been gone when she won full custody the first time,its not just the kid she wants,she wants him.And he doesnt want his daughter to leave his house because the woman cant take care of herself let alone a child,shes lazy,so he wont make her move out till he has 100%custody,whichs leaves me to either wait more and go into 5 years of hurting or kill my internet service and get away.I really think I could use that get away...he will never come.And truth since Ive caught him in somany lies,Im not sure I could ever fully trust him,not the way he is being now,so secretive and hush hush.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 5:48pm
Well, it sounds to me like you might have made your mind up. I hope so. Someone you know for 4 years has not given you their last name? How do you know if he has told you the truth about everything else in his life? He says he doesnt trust, well how are you supposed to trust his A$$ with all the secrets he is running over there? Do not trust anyone who cannot give you some info about themselves. You are 40 years old? Well, honey...I would not waste one more minute on this man. If he doesnt see what he missing and get his butt over and meet you, then he is not for you. Get rid of him. Do not return his calls, or emails. End it. Plain and simple. Do not play his game anymore. If he wants you, then he knows where you are.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 5:54pm
Ive had my friends and family and my kids telling me for years,leave him,hes playing you.Yeah hes missing out,cause he had my heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 5:59pm
Four years and you know so little about him. I still say he is married. Trust is one thing but c'mon, after four years if he can't trust you with his last name.....dump him. He ain't worth it. I don't think you've been getting the straight poop from him. You talk on the phone? (If you mentioned it I am sorry I forgot.) If you don't even know his phone number or have anyway of contacting him other than the internet...he's married. Just my 2 cents. Can I have change?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 9:13pm
He called me all the time and we would talk up to 8 hours at a time,through the nite or morning to afternoon,then she found a phone bill brought it to his attention and the calls started slacking up,now we are down to one call a month to one call every 2 months,dont get me wrong,he has asked for me to let him call and I told him no,I have my reasons and none of them are another man,my kids,none of those reasons,lets just say he gets to close to me on the phone.And his number has been and always will be blocked,so my caller ID has never recieved his number acrossed it.
Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 11:02pm
This has red flags all over the place! Get away from this man NOW...I hope that you never gave him any personal information such as your address, home phone, and last name...there is something very fishy with this situation and I honestly don't trust it. If it were me I would cut off all contact with him, change my phone number, email and IM names....its better to be safe than sorry, and especially with an online relationship!! Good luck to you!

Lindsay

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 12:09am
Oh boy Cathy..ur a very patient woman..4 years w/o knowing his last name? And ohh thts a lot of time of waiting...just a waste of time...just wake up and move on..so many red flags in ur relationship..

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