Preventing Date Rape
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Preventing Date Rape
| Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:35pm |
Hi all, I have a question about what safety measures to take to prevent date rape. Let's say a guy you just met and don't know invites you out for a boat ride. Let's say you don't know him or anyone else who knows him, but you guys met off the net on a message board where everyone else was talking about boats, and you mention, wow, that would be cool to go on a ride. And so a couple fellas on the board responded to you and so you emailed back and agreed to meet.
Now, I know probably everyone will say, well, get to know him in a public place first before you feel comfortable enough to go out in a boat with him. But that's actually part of the problem. Now matter how comfortable you may feel with him in a public place or think you might be trusting him, he still might be faking it and can still turn on you the moment you are in private.
For example, I jsut got done getting to know this one guy on the net who totally seemed like the perfect gentleman, etc. always being really polite, always asking if this or that was okay with me first. etc.
Then later on down the road, all of a sudden he does a complete U-turn on me and told me he wanted to shove my face down in the ground and tied my hands behind my back and proceed to assualt me. I was so devastated, I couldn't believe this came out of nowhere! And he seemed like such the nice guy, like someone who would never ever even think of doing such a thing!
I was so shocked, I immediately told him I had to go and right this minute! He has not contacted me since, but I thought, if he does, I am just going to be honest with him and tell him that he is so lucky he didn't actually do that in real life, if he did, he would have gotten a 15 year sentence in prison for assualt and kidnapping charges! Tying someone up alone against their will is technically kidnapping and worth 10 years felony charge in the state of PA. I know, becuase I looked it up.
Add to that, I have been date raped before (long ago), I've had also been raped by a stranger (also long ago), and I've had other experience I don't care to go into. Need less to say, I have not been out dating for 10-12 years.
On the other hand, however, I am alos tired of living in a closet forever and never going out and meet anyone. I am just now startgin to get out of a depression where I can go out and start meeting people and doing things I've always wanted to do, such as go in a boat ride, but feel this time I also need to take very strict precautions.
So, anyway, going over my precaution list, I had to cross out what didn't apply to me. I don't own (or know how to operate) either a gun or a knife, neither do I know any martial arts/self-defense techniquess, karate or jijutsu. I basically have relied on carrying mace, although that is not worth anything it if it windy, and it is always windy in a boat.
My only other option I can think of to bring a whistle and wear a life jacket so that if he tried to assult me on the boat, I can jump in the water and blow the whistle for help nearby from another boat. Of course, there are also sharks in the oceanr and I don't want to go that way either. Besides what if no one can hear or see me in the middle of nowhere, and we are too far, what good would a whistle do then?
Or mabe I can cal the Coast guard ahead of time and let them know I am out there? But they may also sya it's not their job to come looking for me, unless someone (other than me) reports me missing.
The ideal would be to bring a friend with me, but that's the other problem. I cannot find anyone who wants to go :(
Should perhaps I could ask if he knows of another male ad female couple who could go with us so, I will feel a tad bit better efven thoug hthey are also strangers, at least I am not the only female in the boat and/or alone with him?
Any ideas? Also, I really want to go out in the boat for a ride just as frineds. In fact I don't really want to date, I jsut prefer to be platonic friends for now just going out for a boat ride with a friend, but also have to figure out a safe way to make a friend with him first, before having himn be one, you know?
ANyway, what should I do? any advice?
Now, I know probably everyone will say, well, get to know him in a public place first before you feel comfortable enough to go out in a boat with him. But that's actually part of the problem. Now matter how comfortable you may feel with him in a public place or think you might be trusting him, he still might be faking it and can still turn on you the moment you are in private.
For example, I jsut got done getting to know this one guy on the net who totally seemed like the perfect gentleman, etc. always being really polite, always asking if this or that was okay with me first. etc.
Then later on down the road, all of a sudden he does a complete U-turn on me and told me he wanted to shove my face down in the ground and tied my hands behind my back and proceed to assualt me. I was so devastated, I couldn't believe this came out of nowhere! And he seemed like such the nice guy, like someone who would never ever even think of doing such a thing!
I was so shocked, I immediately told him I had to go and right this minute! He has not contacted me since, but I thought, if he does, I am just going to be honest with him and tell him that he is so lucky he didn't actually do that in real life, if he did, he would have gotten a 15 year sentence in prison for assualt and kidnapping charges! Tying someone up alone against their will is technically kidnapping and worth 10 years felony charge in the state of PA. I know, becuase I looked it up.
Add to that, I have been date raped before (long ago), I've had also been raped by a stranger (also long ago), and I've had other experience I don't care to go into. Need less to say, I have not been out dating for 10-12 years.
On the other hand, however, I am alos tired of living in a closet forever and never going out and meet anyone. I am just now startgin to get out of a depression where I can go out and start meeting people and doing things I've always wanted to do, such as go in a boat ride, but feel this time I also need to take very strict precautions.
So, anyway, going over my precaution list, I had to cross out what didn't apply to me. I don't own (or know how to operate) either a gun or a knife, neither do I know any martial arts/self-defense techniquess, karate or jijutsu. I basically have relied on carrying mace, although that is not worth anything it if it windy, and it is always windy in a boat.
My only other option I can think of to bring a whistle and wear a life jacket so that if he tried to assult me on the boat, I can jump in the water and blow the whistle for help nearby from another boat. Of course, there are also sharks in the oceanr and I don't want to go that way either. Besides what if no one can hear or see me in the middle of nowhere, and we are too far, what good would a whistle do then?
Or mabe I can cal the Coast guard ahead of time and let them know I am out there? But they may also sya it's not their job to come looking for me, unless someone (other than me) reports me missing.
The ideal would be to bring a friend with me, but that's the other problem. I cannot find anyone who wants to go :(
Should perhaps I could ask if he knows of another male ad female couple who could go with us so, I will feel a tad bit better efven thoug hthey are also strangers, at least I am not the only female in the boat and/or alone with him?
Any ideas? Also, I really want to go out in the boat for a ride just as frineds. In fact I don't really want to date, I jsut prefer to be platonic friends for now just going out for a boat ride with a friend, but also have to figure out a safe way to make a friend with him first, before having himn be one, you know?
ANyway, what should I do? any advice?

I answered you on one of the other boards you posted this on, but I'm concerned enough for your safety that I'm repeating the answer here:
The only reasonable way to handle this would be to go with a GROUP of people, at least some of whom you know well. If YOU suggest another couple you know well to bring along, that would be ok...but not if he does. And you say you don't know anyone, so you need to give up this idea.
Don't even CONSIDER this unless you can bring people YOU know well. Seriously.
And yes, you can be deceived by someone you think you know well as you were (and what a terrible story, I'm sorry that happened to you), but the risk of being deceived by someone you DON'T know well are massively greater.
If you want to go on a boat ride and meet new friends, join a boating club. There are half a dozen that advertise in the paper where I live, I'm sure you could find one pretty easily.
Get out and DO things to meet people, don't rely solely on the internet.
Sheri
My dear, with everything that has happened to you what on earth are you doing meeting total strangers online? There is only one possible answer to the boat invite - refuse! There is no way you can make yourself safe alone out there on the water. If you like boating so much, find a group of people to go with.
This idea you have that you are tired of not going out, that's fine. But there are umpteen other ways of getting out and meeting people and remaining safe. That is, safety in numbers until you NOT ONLY get to know the guy, but get to know other people who can vouch for him.
Just because he can find someone else to go on the boat with you does not make you safe either. That other person will be a stranger as well.
Your post tells me that you are a vulnerable woman. You need to be doubly careful of placing yourself in a risky situation!
Please reconsider this idea, for your own sake.
amjay
I'd suggest asking to meet these people ahead of time in a public place, and more than once, just like if it were a dating situation.
Well I would bring a friend, I would not go out on a boat with someone that i do not know and his friends....
My friend and I have gone to some guys from our local hockey teams apartment before, there were tons of guys that were fun, drinking and seemed nice, but you'd never catch me being left alone with all of them.
I would strongly advise that you NOT go on the boating trip. You have been through some serious misfortunes, and although you state that the past 10-12 years you have been in solitude, I wanted to know if during this time you had any counseling? These potholes in your life are traumatic and although you have anonymously shared via this board, if you have not dealt with the mental effects either through self-help or counseling, then you are still very vulnerable and could set yourself up to attract dangerous people.
Seek help, and get out and make some friends. Socialize at work, church, join a gym or take night courses to meet people (women and men). It's good you enjoy boating (and whatever other interests you may have) and I would go the newspaper and join these groups. If it's about money, then if you live in an area I would head on down to the docks and hang out at some of the local bars/eateries with friends and get to know people that way. I would not make the internet the only place you meet people and personally at this time would advise against it.
Either IRL or OLD, I would not go on a first date with a man on his boat. I would prefer to meet and greet first and if he is a nice gentlemen, then I would plan the boat trip as a group event whereas I would invite one of my couple friends and he could do the same.
At this juncture, I would advise GROUP outings and/or GROUP dates till you become more comfortable and in tune with your "gut instinct!"
I'm glad you posted and we are here to support and hopefully encourage you in making better choices and/or decisions.
I agree with what everyone is saying here. Do not go out alone on a boat with any man until you've gotten to know him and even then, do a group outing the first few times. Should you get to a point where you're comfortable alone with him, even then, as someone else replied, tell someone who, what, where and when. Any decent man would understand your reluctance/safety issues (knowing nothing of your history) and respect your wishes as to how you'd like to proceed. Should he take offense, walk away.
I definitely agree with the point Stephanie brought up about how you've been dealing with the trauma from the past in regards to counseling. Getting back out into a social world and building that network should be your first priority, and though you may have had counseling in the past to deal with the aftermath, you could use some guidance in this phase of your recovery too. I'd put the dating on hold for a while if you're now just emerging from your seclusion. You need to learn to evaluate your instincts and capacity to trust. That's a life long process for those who've not suffered the severe traumas you've been through.
I applaud your courage. This is an amazing board.
Best of Luck to you,
Chele