Proving myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Proving myself
9
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 9:28am

I seem to have fallen in love with a man I met online. We have never met in person and live on different continents. We have been talking for awhile now and have plans for him to move here and for us to be married VERY soon after he arrives. He is wonderful and we seem to be perfect for one another.

However, (you knew it was coming!), every so often, he brings up the issue of not knowing FOR SURE that I'm who I say I am. He knows someone who was burned BADLY in a very similar situation (different countries, never met, very close) and is paranoid about the same happening to him. I don't know what to do about this. I want him to TRUST me and be CONFIDENT in us but sometimes it seems like he needs MORE than that. I don't mind doing for him what needs to be done. I want to help him see that I am who I say I am and that all the plans we have made are sincerely from my heart.

So, my question is this: Does anyone here have any good ideas for ways I can show him that I am who I am? (They can be major, small, silly, romantic, etc... doesn't matter... I'm open to any suggestions.)

THANKS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:19am

Red~

You are probably going to hear this from a lot of folks here, but the only way for you to prove you are who you say you are is for the two of you to start a normal, in real life, slow-paced, dating relationship. What you have right now is a relationship with a bunch of written words in emails or at the end of a phone...that is not a real relationship.

To plan to move, get engaged, and marry without ever having met before...when you are on a romantic "high" from the wonderful things you write to each other is a fantasy. Posters come through here all the time saying the EXACT kind of things that you are saying and it would seem that once the "real" relationship starts (as in face to face, dealing with life, jobs, family, cultures, etc) it all blows up.

Now, I could be wrong...hope so. You two could be the one exception to EVERYTHING. Lucky you! MY advice is that if he is really hell bent on moving to where you are be sure he gets his own place and you two can then mmet...start to DATE, begin to develop your IRL friendship and love, and see where it takes you from there. What is the rush to make it all happen so soon? Why instant gratification of getting married VERY SOON?

Not trying to be harsh, just offering a flip side to your romantic view of the situation from a totally objective stranger. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:25am
Really, the only way you can SHOW him is to MEET him. And that is his point - he hasn't met you and is making very serious plans with you. Is there any possible way you can get together? And not to discuss wedding plans, but to spend some quality time together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:28am

I don't understand how people fall in love online without ever really meeting.

I think the best thing you guys can do is to MEET IN PERSON!!! What truly may have have happen with his other friend (and possibly you guys) is that although there is phone/email chemistry, the physical chemistry was not there!! You can send each other a zillion pictures, but when you meet in person if there is no chemistry than more than likely it may not go further. Of course, there are people who are not concerned about physical chemistry, and if that is the case with you guys, then I wish you luck!!

Keep us posted on what happens!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 10:32am

The only thing that will work is to meet him in person! Why haven't you met up to this point? There are airplanes that fly between continents you know ;-).

You need to think about something else in addition to this issue...there is a very real possibility that even if both of you are exactly who and how you say you are, you will not click in person. I can't tell you how many people I've met online and thought I clicked with, only to find that in person, there wasn't any chemistry.

Also, until you spend a substantial amount of time with someone *in person*, you really have no idea of your compatability.

Make plans to meet BEFORE he moves, then go from there.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 11:03am

I agree with the other posters here. You need to meet him first before there is any further discussion about relocation and marraige. Is there some neutral city you could plan to meet up for a week or so (separate hotel rooms!)? Maybe some place you've wanted to see? Some place touristy? scenic?

You said HE'S expressed concern over who you may be, but aren't you concerned that HE's who he say's he is? A meeting without any obligation to these future plans is the only way and if he is who he says he is he will not object.

An email "relationship" is not a relationship, and as Sheri said more often than not those great e-mail personalities turn out to be the greatest dissappointments. People spend a lot of time pondering over the written word, sometimes appearing smarter, wittier and more compassionate than they really are and the longer the emails go on the higher the expectations and the bigger the disappointment.

Proceed with "Cautious optimism". Be safe and be smart.

Chele

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 11:22am

Hello everyone...

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. Of course, it was exactly what I *wanted* to hear but I know that you are right. ;) I sent him an email just a bit ago proposing that we meet in person very soon. As for flights going back and forth... yes, I'm aware of that but neither of us have $1,500 extra lying around for a plane ticket. It is something that has to be planned for.

And yes, of course I've had the fleeting thought of wondering if he is who he says but I am willing to take a leap of faith here. Besides, I know that if I dismiss our rapport on a doubt alone, I will always wonder what if. I would rather have a small seed of doubt until it can be proven otherwise than to let it go altogether.

Of course I know that there is a chance that we might not have chemistry. I don't think it is all that great of a chance with us but I do know that it is a *possibility*. Anyway, thanks so much for all your great replies! I really do appreciate them!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 12:07pm

If you split the cost, then it's not $1500 but $750 each. It seems that meeting before you make any sort of lifetime commitment to a man you've never met would be worth either going into a little bit of debt for, or working a 2nd job for a few months to make the money for the trip, KWIM?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 12:23pm

Sheri,

I totally agree. I have nailed down a part-time, weekend job for football season and the holidays and have been selling like a madwoman on eBay to get the money. Yes, I do believe that going into a bit of debt and working a bit more is well worth it. I just hope I can convince him of the same! Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 6:28pm

I think you should send him a big bag of money. That will really show him how much you trust him!

Seriously... this is just dumb! You can't fall in love with someone over phone calls and emails, you haven't seen him, you only know what pictures he has sent to you, he might not even be the guy in the pictures. Everyone thinks it can't happen to them but it has to happen to somebody, why shouldn't that somebody be you? What if he has a wife or something?

I met a guy I thought was really great online, we chatted all the time, I thought I was in love and on our first in-person date I slept with him. What a mistake! He was MARRIED! And I was careful and thought I knew what I was doing. Ooops.

I think you are loving the feeling of being loved but you don't know how many women he has on the line. What nation is he from? Is he rich or poor? Where are you, US or Canada? He might be just looking for a sugar momma to support him and get a green card or something.