QOTW.....What would you do????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
QOTW.....What would you do????
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Tue, 05-20-2003 - 2:55pm
I am going to give you a scenerio. Tell me, what would you do?

Say you met someone on line. Someone you liked enough to continue contact via internet. You spoke every other day or so and seemed to have several things in common. Now, the new pen pal decides he would like to call you and set up a meeting and to your surprise lives only hours away in the next state. Youo gladly call the number he gives and the conversation seems to be going rather well, so you decide to meet for coffee the next day or so. With only seeing a photo he sent to you via internet, which was to your liking, you are surprised when you go to meet, he has some scarring on his face. Not severe by any means, but rather obvious. It also seems to be new scarring. Possibly after the photo he sent was taken. (Let's say you have only spoken for a few weeks and the photo was a month or so old) Other than the scarring he is a handsome, charming, wonderful person that you have tons in common with. To make it even more fun, he is not only extremely handsome, but smart and funny. Let's just say he is your ideal man, but his scars were not mentioned in the short phone call or any of his emails or messages you exchanged. So, you wait for him to bring it up, but he doesnt. You: a) Try to dodge the topic and hope he eventually explains, or b) mention it politely, or c) tell your own version of what you would do.

Bonus question: Would you be upset that he did not tell you right away? Would you give him a chance or end things right away? (Now, keep in mind everything about this guy is wonderful and he seems perfect other then the scar and not telling you right away)

Gail

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 3:26pm
I would ask him about out. I also would be upset he did not mention it. I have met many guys who has scaring or such and mentioned. One guy imparticular did not mention until we began talking of meeting but he was upfront about it and gave lots of detail and why though he had numerous pics. why it didn't show (because he wore make-up to hide it) but he did try. Now, if he seems ok to explain I will give him a chance as looks are a mid way and many times when meeting online it is mental attraction and not physical that made me want to meet this person. It would be case by case as far as ending it or continuing would go, because I will also have the the hindsight they he just not mentioned it and new it would come up. What else may he not mention later on that is obvious. I don't like it when it's like, oh well you didn't ask. Like that is a normal question or why should I have to ask. My bit worth.

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 3:46pm
I think I would try and subtly ask him what happened. I don't think I'd be too upset that he didn't tell me....probably mildly annoyed, but I definately wouldn't end the relationship over it. People are so superficial these days and I find it annoying that some people would actually stop seeing someone because they have a blemish on their face or something.

Lindsay

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 3:53pm
It's generally not the blemish itself, just a false impression. I understand fully if he had let it be known but to not mention it is wrong. Now I will use myself I let people know when I take pictures it is only should der up, you do not know how big or small I am so I bring it up. I want them to know, there are no surprises and as I said in my post what else will he just not mention. That is all it is, you didn't mention it and why? If he thought I would not talk to him anymore then why let me meet you and choose not to talk to you? It should come up before the meet, only reason it shouldn't is you began emailing that day, phoned the afternoon and met that evening. I have done that so to get in depth was a short time. But a few weeks; we have emailed, talked on the phone, and he/she was probably asked why are you settled down, or still single because your a great person?

Just my thoughts,

Marie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 4:02pm
I agree, I would ask him why he hadn't mentioned it before, but i still wouldn't be mad about it...but thats just my personality. I let people get away with things that they shouldn't and instead of letting something bother me I let it roll off my back. I figure there's much more to life than being mad at the little things I can't change...besides, I don't like being mad lol. I guess I was just venting about people who just flat out stop talking to someone because of the way they look. That annoys me to no end and I think its shallow....it wasn't meant to be an attack on anyone, so I'm sorry if it came off that way :)

Lindsay

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Avatar for kelstev
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 4:24pm
I wouldn't say a word about it. You said that the scar was "not severe by any means, but rather obvious". I know a guy who has a scar on his face. Not severe, but you know it's there. In the time that I've known him, he's not said anything to me about it and I never felt that he should. He is just a friend, but still...why should he feel the need to tell anyone about his scar? This friend is married, but if he was not and was looking for a woman to become involved with, I don't think he would need to tell her anything. I would assume that any woman that he would meet would make up her mind after seeing and talking with him. If he was to tell her, ...what's he supposed to say? "Ummm...just thought I'd let you know that I have a scar on my face...so if that repulses you in any way, it's best that we not meet." I'm not saying to be dishonest, but if in the picture, he didn't have the scar, then he might say that since that pic he did have an accident of some sort and has a scar. If he didn't tell me that before meeting, it wouldn't upset me in the least. I would just make up my mind on if there is an attraction to him and go from there. I don't consider that to be lying. I would think that some ppl wouldn't even think of their scars as something that needs to be explained. Unless of course it involved his entire face. So no, I wouldn't be upset and wouldn't expect an explaination.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 12:20am
Well, i will mention it to him in a polite way.., maybe he did not tell about the scar he has coz maybe he is shy talkin about it..Of course i will not be upset or mad if he didnt tell me but m sure i'll be suprised. You said he seemed all wonderful and all, i think this quality of his will cover his scar ..just my thought..
Avatar for born2luv
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 1:02pm
I don't think it would be so much the fact of the scar on his face that would bother me as much as the fact that we were talking every day since before it happened to him - and he didn't think to mention it to me? It would be extremely devastating to me to have something happen so badly that it would scar my face, so I can't imagine not bothering to mention it to a friend I was talking to every day?

It would leave me wondering why he hadn't told me, and I would probably blurt it out - "Oh, no what happened to your face???" OK, I'm not sure if I really would - but I would certainly be thinking it...

~*~ Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 2:11pm
I would think many reasons for his not mentioning:

1)that he was embarresed that it scarred his handsome face and feels self consious about it,he hopes that if he pretends its not there,I won't notic eit too...or rather will not talk about it.

2)He cut himself wking in garage or in kitchen and feels stupid explaining it.

3)He was in the bar or elsewhere in a fight

4)had it since birth

I will not be upset that he did not mention it,but I will ask it outright.Suprised and not make a big deal of it.He tells me the truth(hopefully)and I make my desicion later.

But I will ask it on the coffee table.

"Hey that's a deep scar,what happened?are you alright?"

Anya

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 2:12pm
Okay, thank you everyone who responded to the QOTW. I m happy to know that all of you would really consider the man and not the scar. And to add to what Catherine posted. I think if someone had a bad accident, and maybe didnt want to discuss it right away is their right. Maybe they were shy, like jen said. Or, maybe they wanted to see if someone would accept them for the scar or not. I dont think you can consider it lying, since you are still in the process of getting to know each other. I think something like a scar would be better explained in person, anyways. Since, if you are just talking about having a defect or scar may cause you not to meet him at all.

On a more personal note, I totally made this up as you all may very well know, but to me a scar would not matter at all. I think I would politely mention that I didnt notice the scar in your photo, is it something that happened recently, and ask if he even wanted to talk about it. IF not, I would simply move on from that topic and talk about it when he felt more willing. Getting to know someone is getting to know everything about them. Good and bad. SO, thats me. So, again...thank you all for responding and we will have more great questions next week.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 2:13pm
I agree with Anya totally. I would definitely attempt a discussion over it. Good answers.

Gail

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