Question About Endless Emailers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Question About Endless Emailers
8
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 6:45pm

Lately, most of the guys I've been communicating with want to write and/or call for at least several weeks. Dating isn't real high on my priority list as I don't have a lot of free time away from my kids. So I'm just curious what other people's experiences with emailing people for a long period of time may have been. My take on it could go a few different ways. 1) they're keeping me around in case nothing else pans out 2) they're cautious so they like to screen people for a long time or 3) they have reservations about me. Or who knows what; I don't know what to think.

I've read a lot of people on here say that writing and talking on the phone for a long time creates a false sense of intimacy. I'm just wondering if people seem different in person because they may have not been wholly upfront otherwise. I've noticed that these guys aren't pushing me nor are they responding positively to my talk about meeting. I like this in a way because I'm tired of meeting pushy guys. So I'm just wondering if these guys could just be selective or are they probably just something else? I've kind of always leaned that if people are patient, that's a good thing. However, people should also be able to be patient after they meet, so maybe they're just not that interested in me. Sometimes I think things fizzle too quickly on a first meet because there wasn't enough talk beforehand to build any real interest in the other person aside from a first impression. I'm just kind of casting-around here. Sometimes I think the best guys test women for awhile beforehand to see if they're patient or not. Any guys here to answer that? Anyone who wants to respond, please do.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 7:11pm

Hmmm...I think your patience theory is more wishful thinking than reality ;-). I think the bottom line is, people who do the endless email thing aren't really interested in meeting or forming a relationship in person with anyone...either that, or they already are IN a relationship.

I doubt it has anything to do with YOU, personally...they don't KNOW you.

If your theory about building a connection before meeting were valid, then how did anyone connect before the internet ;-)? We've always had to pretty much start from scratch on a first date with people we meet in person, except if we were friends with the guy before hand.

And FWIW, my experience with meeting people and not having a connection with them in person has had much less to do with them not being upfront about any aspect of themselves and much more to do with there being no chemistry in person (which to me is more than just physical attraction but that's part of it).

Sheri

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 1:30am

I love it whenever Sheri responds for I don't have to. She usually says the same things I would say.

If I am serious about creating a relationship then I would make time for meeting the woman ASAP. I would establish a connection online and try to talk to them on the phone to see if there is a certain ease about us talking. Then I would want to meet that same week. I do want to meet someone and do not like to waste my time with drawn out, online exchanges.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:13am

LOL - mhash said it perfectly! Sheri's opinions are almost always exactly what I would've said myself!

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:21am

Thanks for the responses. Well, I guess my question is kind of moot now because one wants to meet me. Sheri, I'm sure you're correct about one of them not being ready for a relationship. Another one said he cancelled his subscription but still wants to write through his email account. Summer is a busy time for him; he's a football coach, I believe, and his daughter is with him. So I guess I feel I stand out a little bit to him since he wants to keep in touch. I don't know his reasons for wanting to though. Anyway, the one I most wanted to meet wants to meet me. I already adore his sense of humor. I agree with you that chemistry can either be there or not. However, sometimes chemistry grows if you like other things about the person. What I meant about people being less than honest in emails and on the phone is that to me a person's lifestyle shows on their faces once they're a certain age. For example, an alcoholic, unhealthy eating, etc. Sometimes pictures hide those things and conversations cover them up, but they're pretty hard to hide in person.

Thanks again for answering my rather lame question. I don't really enjoy the dating process so try to keep my contacts minimal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:57pm

I sort of had that happen. I met a guy on line (Match) in Jan. We did emailing & IM, & a little text here & there, & then a phone call. On the phone, he was much quieter than i expected. We finally ended up meeting 6 weeks into it (were supposed to meet at 3 weeks, but he was very ill & the new date was 3 more weeks based on our travel distance & parenting schedules).

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:24pm

I've had that happen a few times too. Generally, a few short emails are all I want to exchange before moving it to the phone- then an in person meet if he seems interesting.

But yes...emailing for weeks isn't such a good idea. I've got a guy who I "met" on CL that seemed mostly interested in being pen pals. When I'd had enough of that, I gave him my number with a note basically saying that "I'd prefer talking on the phone over email" thinking I'd get rid of him.... but then he called.

Since then, he's become an irregular phone guy, which is not what I'm interested in.

Keep the email period brief, talk on the phone (briefly) once or twice then firm up a date if you feel there might be some potential. Don't fall into the "time waster" zone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 10:11am
Thanks for the posts. I guess I'm a bit of a time waster myself at this point. I've had some really bad relationships, and that's an understatement. I think the one guy knows this and has suggested I hold off on a relationship for awhile because of my kids mostly. This is the one that cancelled his subscription for the summer. I've been accused of reading between the lines before, by my mother, and I guess I feel I can do that somewhat in emails. However, I think you guys are right, it just takes me longer to want to meet people in person now. I want to have a fairly good idea of what I'm getting into. I've read/heard it only takes someone a half a second to slip the date rape drug and I think it's happened to me at least once. I wasn't particularly interested in the guy, but he seemed decent enough over the phone. So I met with him. That was in November and I haven't met anyone since. The guy that I'm going to meet now is very interesting to me and seems more than decent. So we'll see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 10:21am
I wanted to add that I don't talk on the phone for hours or send long emails much anymore. I've learned my lesson about that. However, I kind of like having these contacts that are just comfortable and friendly where there seems to be no pressure, on either side. Maybe I'm just weird, but I like the continuity of it.