Question on (in)consideration

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Question on (in)consideration
34
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:15pm

OK, I gave one of the new guys from Matchmaker my #. I am not incredibly overwhelmed by him, but he is attractive and attentive so I figured why not. He said he would call me yesterday and I went to a movie last night so I didn't take my phone but I got home and no mesage - no biggie. I am coming down with some crud so I went to bed early (for me) by around 11-11:30. I check my voicemail today and he called last night at 11:30! I'm sorry - but is it just me or is it rude and inconsiderate to call someone you don't even know at 11:30 PM? Luckily, my phone was in the other room and it didn't bother me or wake me up (and of course you all know my habit of not hearing my phone) but this just strikes me as pretty thoughtless.

Since I wasn't all that into him and now this, I debate calling back. Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:20pm

I think he's pushing those boundaries to see if you are the type he can walk all over.

I'd ignore him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:02pm
vex, I'm with sisfox. 11:30PM??? I think twice before calling someone after 9 PM. I'm usually asleep by 11:30 so if the phone rings, my first panicky thought is "who died?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:07pm

I think it's rude and inconsiderate.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:12pm
I think that was late. I usually don't answer the phone after maybe 9:30, sometimes 10p but that's pushing it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:13pm

You've GOT to be kidding me! Definitely NEXT! him. That's not "pretty thoughtless", that's in its own universe of complete and utter thoughtlessness!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:21pm

>> I'm sorry - but is it just me or is it rude and inconsiderate to call someone you don't even know at 11:30 PM?<<

I don't think it's rude, but I think it's inconsiderate. Rude would be calling someone who didn't want to be called; since you gave him your #, it's safe to assume you wanted him to call you. Inconsiderate is not taking others' feelings, motivations, needs, and wants into account.

There's several reasons why what he did might not be so bad.

Personally, I wouldn't call someone (for the first time!) that late, but he might have been busy and realized he had promised to call and hadn't yet- and PANICKED, so he called you! :)

Look at it this way- he did what he promised. ;) He said he would call, and he did.

Lots of people are night owls- after all, millions of people watch Jay and Dave each night. I had one girl say "Oh, don't worry about calling, I'll answer the phone up until about midnight."

Finally, my family has my home phone number- that's for emergencies. My cell phone (which I give out to potential dates) gets shut off or ignored when I don't feel like answering- which includes when I'm sleeping.

So all of these are things that could excuse, or explain, what he did. If he operates in any of these manners (night owl, shuts off phone, etc) it makes perfect sense.

That's why I vote for "inconsiderate"- he didn't consider that some people think that 11:30 is too darned late for a phone call, or that they're already in bed, or whatever.

It's not a fatal flaw or a red flag; I'd vote for yellow flag (warning sign, but you don't have to stop!)

My suggestion: Drop him a note or call him back and say "hey, so you know, 9pm is as late as I take calls, I work early" or something like that and then just move on to something else.

Don't make a huge deal about it; just let him know, nicely.

What will be REALLY telling is how he responds to that. If he apologizes and seems sorry, then he's got at least a little class and is worth looking into further. If he doesn't seem to notice at all, that's a second yellow; if he mocks you or argues or makes you feel like it's your fault, NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:30pm
What did his message say?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:30pm

Well said. Generally speaking about women ... I find it amazing that they are so willing to cut a guy off at the knees without hesitation for even the smallest infraction.

"I sneezed and he didn't say, 'Bleshoe'. NEXT!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:31pm

LOL! OK, I am not going to bother to call him back. His message said something like "I wanted to give you a call before it got too late." HUH? And I had to go back and verify the time of the call because when I heard the message, I thought "Did he REALLY call me at 11:30?" OK, NEXT! on that one.

I am with everyone here in that I do not call people after 9 unless I know them really well and know they will be up or unless we have made prior arrangements to call that late. The other guy I am talking to and I talked Monday for a while before he had to go because a friend had come over to fix his computer. He asked if he could call me back and how late was too late to call. That is what I consider polite. I don't mind someone calling me at 10:30 if I have told them it is OK but it really bothered me that this other guy who doesn't know anything about me or my habits called that late.

There were already a couple "red flags" in that he was constantly complimenting me on both my appearance and other things even though we had exchanged a handful of emails. He also continues to use what I think he thinks is "suave" language. He is originally European although he has no accent but he keeps throwing in French words. His profile name has "bonjour" in it and he keeps tossing in other stuff. I am SO not a Rico Suave kinda girl.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:40pm

I'm sorry, John, but this is NOT a "small infraction". This is so clueless and/or inconsiderate as to leave one's jaw hanging open. How can you get to be in your 30s (I'm assuming he's around that age) and NOT KNOW that it is just not socially acceptable behavior to call a *stranger* that late, at least not without express permission??? It's right up there with not knowing that you're supposed to use silverware in public.

Good manners (or the absence thereof) are NOT a small thing.

Sheri




Edited 2/17/2005 1:53 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer

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