Question on (in)consideration

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Question on (in)consideration
34
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 12:15pm

OK, I gave one of the new guys from Matchmaker my #. I am not incredibly overwhelmed by him, but he is attractive and attentive so I figured why not. He said he would call me yesterday and I went to a movie last night so I didn't take my phone but I got home and no mesage - no biggie. I am coming down with some crud so I went to bed early (for me) by around 11-11:30. I check my voicemail today and he called last night at 11:30! I'm sorry - but is it just me or is it rude and inconsiderate to call someone you don't even know at 11:30 PM? Luckily, my phone was in the other room and it didn't bother me or wake me up (and of course you all know my habit of not hearing my phone) but this just strikes me as pretty thoughtless.

Since I wasn't all that into him and now this, I debate calling back. Any thoughts?

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:50pm

It said "Hello this is.... I wanted to call you before it got too late. I hope I didn't wake you up. Give me a call at ###. I look forward to hearing from you. Ciao". Yes, he said Ciao. Like I said in the other post - that is also kind of a turnoff for me. I am not a "metrosexual" girl either. I like a manly man.

Well, JAHD, we women are so willing to say next because men are too. I don't know how many ghosts I have had for absolutely no reason. One guy that I had been exchanging emails with who seemed very persistent all of a sudden just stopped emailing. I have no idea why. I responded to his questions and told him I would have some additional pictures shortly - he already had the one. I never got a response to that email. Obviously he'd said next so I have too.

Well, NGOL, while I can see your reasoning, I personally think that any person who calls someone they do not know that late is very inconsiderate. He could easily have called at a reasonable hour today and said "hey I am sorry, I forgot to call you last night and by the time I realized that it was so late and I didn't want to bother you". OR he could have asked me in his email "How late is too late to call. I am a night owl and usually up late." Also, I don't really care if people I know call me up until 11 or 11:30. The time itself is not an issue. It is that he had no manners and consideration for another person and called someone he didn't know so late. The fact remains that I am really not into him anyway. I kind of figure "why bother?"




Edited 2/17/2005 1:53 pm ET ET by vexer_hw

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 1:51pm

>>His message said something like "I wanted to give you a call before it got too late." HUH? <<

See, to me, this really indicates that to him, 11:30 is NOT too late at all. Just because a bunch of people here say it is doesn't mean it's an absolute rule; it might just mean we're all early birds. ;)

Seriously, I'm with John and Yukon. (Well, we don't know that Yukon agreed with John, but let's pretend that he probably did- barked once when John asked him if he agreed.) Sometimes y'all are a bit... um... overeager to NEXT some poor schlub.

This dude sounds to me like he might just be trying too hard- and isn't that something we can all understand? Who here has NEVER screwed up because they were trying just a tad too much?

I still say give him one more chance. Remember, there's a whole bunch of people who faithfully watch the late news (which ends at 11:30) every night.

To me, this guy sounds like he honestly didn't think 11:30 is too late, and if you simply ignore him he's never GOING to know, either.

In fact, he's liable to wind up later complaining bitterly about some flakey chick who ghosted on him for no reason whatsoever, and if you don't provide him with some kind of feedback he will be right.

Give him one more shot, see how he handles it when you mention your expectations for timing of phone calls. If he's apologetic, it shows he's trainable. Isn't that all women want, anyway- a guy that can be trained? ;)

Edit- added:

The reason you "bother" is a couple. First, you never know- it could be when you meet him in person, the chemistry is incredible and he's The One. (Highly unlikely, I agree, but you never know.)

Second, if you don't let him know what's going on, he's just going to wind up a little bit more burned out on the whole thing. He'll be perfectly justified in sitting around angry at you for ghosting on him, and he's liable to treat the next woman a bit worse, which will make her mad so she'll treat the next guy worse, and so on...

Third, he'll never learn that 11:30 is WAY too late for some people unless that information is provided to him. And NWW, I hear what you're saying, but you have to remember that as strongly as you feel it's ludicrous, there are people who feel that it's perfectly acceptable.

Fourth... well, I had another reason, but I forgot. It wasn't that good anyway.

Anyway, I agree that 11:30 is inconsiderate- but even if you bail (which I think you're going to do) I urge you to just jot him a note saying something like "You know, we're just not a match. Also, so you know, 11:30 is just way too late for many people, and you might be better off either calling earlier or just waiting until the next day."

Or something like that. If you come off as scolding him, he'll resist; if you come off as yelling at him, he'll tune you out; if you come off as nice, well, he might still do those things but at least you were nice and tried. :)




Edited 2/17/2005 1:58 pm ET ET by niceguyonline122004
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:03pm

No, I don't want a guy that can be trained. I want a guy that is considerate! I think that while he may not think it is too late that any person with reasonable judgement and a shred of understanding about most of the human race would know that 11:30 is too late. Like I have said, I really don't care about the time itself because I AM usually up that late. But I know that a lot of people are NOT. Therefore I do not call them after what I consider to be a reasonable hour. I am thinking of other people when I do that. My personal judgements of what is late do not often mesh with other people's - I go to bed around midnight every night, sometimes later.

And please don't say that we women are a bit overeager to move to the next guy. That is a universal thing, not just women. How many of the women out here have had the guys that ghosted after a perfectly nice email exchange or phone call or even date with no explanation?

If he calls me back, I will pick up the phone. But why do *I* owe him an explanation when he is the one that did something inconsiderate?

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:09pm

I am so in the middle on this one, Vex. I really am. On the one hand, I think 11:30 is pretty late, but on the other hand, I have called people that late for no reason other than wanting to talk, granted it was friends or family not a perfect stranger. I have friends that work a swing shift so when they call it is usually late around 11:30 but for them it isn't late, they just got off work. And I am not talking about close, best friends either, just casual friends. I have to agree with NGOL. As he pointed out there could be a hundred reason why that was not late to this guy, just as there are a hundred reason why it is late to you and so many others.

my .o2.
J

Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:26pm

I think all of the points here are valid. We each have our own "cut off" time at night. Was he inconsiderate? Yes. I think regardless of what we would each do if this happened to us, you have some very strong opinions on this. Which means it's important to YOU. We are all human and have our own little quirks on behavior we like or dislike. Making an inital phone call at this late in the hour, is one of those you dislike.

But, I also think there you have other issues here with this guy (ex:metrosexual comment) and that combined with the inconsiderate phone call has turned you off. Don't talk yourself back into this one. You've already said NEXT, move forward. If he contacts you again, at that time you can make the choice about what to do. But I think there are too many check marks in your dislike column for anything to work out with this guy.

Ok, now that I've said all that. I'll thrown my opinions in on the time of the phone call. 1) His "I hope I didn't wake you up" comment leads me to believe that he knew it was too late to be calling. Which leads to my next comment. 2) Maybe he's one of those shy guys lacking in social skills. Perhaps he called at a time when he knew chances would be high that he could leave a message and not have deal with his anxiety of actually speaking with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:27pm

Well, I think your arguments are reasonable (as NGOL's are), but still, in your example, they are people that know you at least somewhat and you are aware of their situation so it doesn't seem odd that they would call you that late. I assume that they probably know you well enough to know that a late call doesn't bother you. And it is not the hour itself that bothers me (that is not super late to me - I am awake) but rather that he doesn't seem to really understand that 11:30 is too late for "most" people. That is kind of a guage of considerateness (is that a word?), I think. You think about how "most" people would react to a certain situation - not how YOU would react to a certain situation. Also, if he knew me or asked, it wouldn't bother me so much.

So like I said, if he calls me again, I will pick up and talk to him, but I don't feel much like making an effort to explain this to a guy that I wasn't all that into in the first place and as it goes along, I get less and less into.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 2:37pm

Dang girl! Your thoughts on this are perfect. Thanks! I think your #1 with the semi "pre-apology" is kind of what I have been thinkng but not able to put into words. I think he was aware that it was too late but either thought he'd try anyway or just didn't think about it enough to realize it could be inconsiderate. The second point is also something to think about, but I think probably not. I suppose the Rico Suave thing could be a front, but he seems pretty sure of himself.

OK, thanks all for the input. I didn't expect this to be such a hot issue! :-) Here's my resolution - take it or leave it. If he calls, I will talk to him. I will say something about how "wow, you called really late! what's up with that?" and give him a chance to explain or apologize (because he was in the wrong, not me). If he emails, I will do the same. But I don't think I want to make a lot of effort b/c of the various reasons that I am just not feeling it.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:15pm
good decision
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:17pm
I dunno, I'd find out if there was a good reason before xing him off. But I'm usually too optimistic and give people the bennie of the doubt too much, so don't go by me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 7:06pm

John- I totally agree.

I admit, I don't post much anymore on this board mainly because it frustrates me so....So many people are complaining they can't find a nice guy but the teeniest, tiniest infraction is a 'red flag' and you dismiss him.

Do I think calling at 11:30 is ok? No. It was inconsiderate given it was his first call, but rude and worthy of writing off? Come on. Some people are just absent minded, or maybe a little clueless.

The guy I am living with who I met through Match.com made a mistake or two our first couple of dates. He even told me I had 'man hands' on our first date!?!?! Today- we laugh about how he ever got me to go out with him again.

Dating is hard. Finding someone you are compatible, attracted too and genuinly can spend huge amounts of time with, is hard. Maybe if you cut some of these guys who are making some trivial faux paus some slack, maybe you will actually find someone good if you actually take the time to have a dinner or two with them.