Random Musings/Questions from a Newbie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Random Musings/Questions from a Newbie
10
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:09pm

Hello everyone! Newbie here. New to this board & semi-new to online dating. I have been trying it for about 6 months now. I wish I would have found this board sooner. It looks like there is a lot of helpful information & advice offered here. Now I know what some of those guys were called: GHOSTS. I had no idea that kind of thing was so frequent that there is even a name for it. LOL

Anyway, I will try not to make this too long & involved, but I did have a few questions that I thought some of more experienced could help answer.

From reading this board, I understand that you should try to meet ASAP if interested. And while I definitely agree with that, I was wondering who should be the one to initiate the meeting? The woman or the man? Or does it matter? Because I have tried initiating meetings & both times the meeting never happened. They turned into GHOSTS. But then I also had a man initiate our first meeting & he still turned into a GHOST. I feel like I shouldn't have to be the one to initiate the 1st meeting because I think that if they really want to meet me, they won't beat around the bush, they will just ask me out. But on the other hand, I don't want to just wait around for the guy to ask me out because I think a few of them probably never would get around to doing it. How do I handle something like this tactfully?

Also, another random question. Is it ok to email a guy after having already sent him a wink with no response. I usually like to send a wink 1st to see if there is any interest there. I usually assume that he's not interested if he doesn't wink or email back. Does it appear pushy to then try & email him to see if you can get any kind of response?

I was wondering if there was anyone or any kind of service that would evaluate my profile to see if it's up to snuff. I have edited it frequently over the past few weeks & I think it sounds pretty good. Yet, I get very few responses to my ad.

I had a strange thing happen to me on Match the other day. A guy sent me a wink. I reviewed his profile & winked back. Then today I get an email saying "no, thanks. he's not interested." Does that even make any sense? He winked at me first. The only thing I can figure it that he actually READ my profile after he winked at me. Because I have found a lot of men don't even bother to read the profile. So therefore, I'm thinking, what's the point?! That can be really frustrating.

Sorry this was long-winded. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:10pm

Hi there, welcome to the board!

1. If a guy hasn't said anything about talking on the phone and/or meeting for coffee after we've exchanged 2-3 emails, I'll send an email saying something like, "I find it difficult to get to know someone by email. If you like, please call me at , and let's talk and see if it makes sense to meet for coffee." BTW, I think it helps to think of the first meeting as a *meet*, not a date.

2. Sure, it's "ok" to send an email after you've winked...but why bother? If he's interested, he would have winked or emailed back.

3. We'd be happy to provide that service ;-)...we do it all the time. Either post your profile text or post your user name on match.

4. No, that makes no sense, but you're probably right as to what happened. That drives me crazy, too, but there's no use asking "why"...it's just one of those OLD things!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:20pm

As a guy I'd say that yes it's ok to initiate the meet. If the guy doesn't pick up on it then I'd recommend walking away.

It's perfectly normal for people to ghost and if you aren't seeing much of that behavior then you aren't serious enough at online dating...

Basically the way that I've always (nearly 100%) seen online dating work is if the woman makes the first approach - she'll let the guy take the lead. After the initial contact the dating becomes more traditional and just because you contacted them first it doesn't mean you have to continue being first.

Don't be afraid to fail -- that's all part of Online Dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 8:26pm
Hey, thanks for the advice & the welcome. I would appreciate it if you could review my profile & see what you think. My user name on Match is synglegetic. Thanks so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:55pm

1. I don't care for the "so long ago.." answer to relationship status. Too ambigous.

2. The first half of your intro is what I call "chick chatter" -- it's the same old stuff that everyone writes. It basically takes up space but doesn't attract guys.

NOW - the second half of your profile I think is where you really figured out how to write! When you start writing about liking live shows and who you enjoy and name the names and talk about how frequently you go to shows. I think THAT is going to be helpful in finding a close match.

I'd think about taking away the last sentence -- "Any of this appeal to you? If so, drop me a line." -- because your job is to make it appealing. Do that and people will write without any prompting required!

3. What comedians do you like?

4. Work in the names of places you go -- ie. Friday nights often find me watching/listening to _____ at my favorite place ______ (well you can word it differently but you get the picture).

5. Rip out "anywhere there is a great band" and put in names of places

6. Here's all the stuff that I think is chick chatter in your opening:

"Hi! To all those great guys out there that are looking for a great girl. Hey, that's me. I'm a great girl! "

"I'm just looking for a really nice, HONEST, intelligent guy that shares similar interests & can keep up a good conversation. Must have a good sense of humor. I'm not into high pressure tactics or looking to rush into a big, serious relationship. I'm really just looking for companionship that could possibly evolve into something special. "

NOTE: Your giving the guy the LJBF speech before he even gets to the on-deck circle... (and the friends first is so cliche and untrue that it's not worth putting into a profile - if you want to keep it in there at least work in the truth "if you're a really ugly guy then you'll have to settle for friends first because I ain't kissing no more toads unless they have one helluva personality")

"Hint, hint... :) Any of this appeal to you? If so, drop me a line."

NEVER beg/request some to contact you. Ever, Ever, Ever. That's just a lazy shortcut to writing a good profile.

Give them enough specifics about things they might have in common with you and they WILL gladly contact you.

I really like what you've written in the main body (minus the chatter) -- and I think if you expanded upon it that would be even better (can the chatter at the same time) Also try not to repeat yourself in the lower section (you said you love live music a couple times).

I think your pictures are good but I'd like to get a sense that they are more current. From looking at them I can't tell when they were taken. I'd go with the standard head/body/candid shots (which I think you have done here -- I'd just like them to be clearer and that would help me conclude that they are current. As a guy my main objective is to feel reasonably certain that the person in the photo is the same one who shows up at the meet.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 12:36am

I agree with LG's comments as to the text. Less chick chatter, more specifics!

As for the pics, I actually like the full length one the best...BUT I would suggest taking that particular picture down because there's clearly someone cropped out of the photo and that's a turn off to a lot of people. So, I'd get another full length shot that is flattering to put up.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 4:17pm

Thanks for your comments. I will definitely work more on the text of it. Is this part (see below) ok to leave in or is it still too generic?

"I'm just looking for a really nice, HONEST, intelligent guy that shares similar interests & can keep up a good conversation. Must have a good sense of humor."

I might have problems with the photo. Those are the only pictures I have and they are all pretty recent. LG, I guess I didn't understand what you were saying that you couldn't tell if they were current or not? Is that because there is someone cropped out of them? Pretty much all of them have someone cropped out of them. All except for one.

And Sheri, Match does this really annoying thing where they will crop off the bottom half of a full-length photo, so that won't really work as primary.

Should I pose for a photo? I always thought was too formal or cheesy.

I will definitely try those changes. I might ask you guys to look over it again once I'm done. Thanks so much.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:06pm

I had a good friend take a bunch of shots of me (some full length, some head shot) with his digital camera to use for OLD, so that's one option to consider.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 1:39pm
I normally lurk here, but have been in the same boat as you. I would definitely work on the pictures. Some are not the most flattering in my opinion and you really need a full view shot of yourself there. I would take out about your son. They know you have a child and until you get to know them first they don't need specifics about your son(too many crazies in the world today) I keep my profile shorter and try to give details, but be different than the rest. Obviously, no one likes to play games. We all want to find a nice, intelligent person. I like how you talked about what activities you like and I would also mention something about about what you would like in someone. Not an in depth description, just a sound bit kind of thing. My profile is in process and I also found when you change it that it puts it into heavier rotation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 3:15pm
Thanks for your help. I think I'm a fairly attractive person but I have never taken good pictures. I am sooo not photogenic. I will just have to grab a friend & see what we can come up with. I just think it's so hard to pose but to not look like you're posing. Look natural, ya know. I'll have to see what we can come up with. I've tweaked my profile a few times already & I think it's coming along but it's still a work in progress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 3:21pm

TIP: Think clear pictures.

That's my #1 pet peeve.

I've seen so many pictures online where it looks like people smear vaseline on the camera lense. People don't have anything to worry a out with their photos. The absolute best ones are those that are clear, well lit and show the complete 3 poses.

Without a doubt the best photo set I saw in the last year was someone who just posed in front of a set of doors. They were clear and gave you a realistic idea that she was going to match her pictures.

The worst pictures are those where people pose with 20 friends all slouched over a bar, in some type of sexually provocative clothing, smoking a cigarette or with a member of the opposite sex.