Really confused and feeling stupid...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Really confused and feeling stupid...
12
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:06pm

Hi All,

I did say I was going to knock it off until I am officially separated...However,....
I have been communicating on some level/talking to this guy since the beginning. It started with him actually, because it was his picture that made me wink at him and put up a profile. So, although I chatted with a couple others that didn't work out- (as those of you that read my first topic read) it was *he* that I had the interest in from the start. We have talked several times on the phone because he does not like chatting or emailing online. I really like what I know of him and feel I could fall hard for him. I am not moving back to that area for several weeks yet....and can't meet him in person until then. Problem is, although we have good conversations,....he seems somehow distracted IMO. It's just a "gut feeling", but I think he is thinking of someone he either has recently met or someone from his recent past....or maybe someone he hasn't met yet. I feel like I am not "it" for him. Nothing he said tells me this...It is more his "actions", so to speak. i.e. The fact that he doesn't open my emails right away even though he is on "the site" and can see them. I am trying to go with my instincts and thinking seriously about not communicating anymore to save myself from a broken heart. So much is running through my mind. I don't need a broken heart after a separtion, even if the separation WAS MY idea. This online dating thing is really making me feel vulernable and sort of stupid.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:13pm
I don't think it's online dating that is the problem, it sounds like dating period is a problem. You don't sound ready, and if you aren't even separated yet, you really need to wait. What's the rush?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:34pm
You are probably dead on with that assessment. I am just not ready for taking chances, putting my heart out there, anything. The rush is that I have been very lonely and left alone in my present relationship. We lost the intimacy long, long ago. I am lonely and needy. But I don't want my husband, obviously. Ack. I have to hold on though and take some time.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 3:40pm
Waiting can be hard when you've felt neglected in your current relationship. But you will be much more successful in finding love if you get your house in order before you invite anyone in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 6:41pm

Very wise advice. Thanks once again. :)
P.S. (edited to include) Any advice on how to phrase this to the guy I am talking to?
I think I'll wait until he emails asking why I haven't called....and then I will tell him that I am just not quite ready yet. I hate to do it in a way because I think we could have something good in the future. But I guess that is all the more reason to do it.

Edited 8/15/2005 7:00 pm ET ET by saralm




Edited 8/15/2005 7:01 pm ET ET by saralm
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 8:24pm

I have completely been in the same situation--right after my separation, I was feeling lonely, alone and sad. I thought that having someone else would fill it. It took me 2 years to realize I needed time alone in order to fill it. I now look forward to having my own time and though there are moments of lonliness, they're nothing like they were when my separation first occurred. And I like you, wanted it.


At this point, the feelings that you're feeling of him being disinterested may really be your own feelings, projecting... As the other poster already stated, it sounds like you're not ready for dating and I'm glad you agree.


As for how to tell him--for me, the direct approach is always the best. Simply call him up, tell him how much you have enjoyed getting to know him, but that you need some time to sort things out. Let him know that you need time to sort out your separation and finalize your divorce. No promises that he won't take it personally, but the best thing you can do is to be honest, mixed with a tad of kindness.


And then... do what you need to to work out your issues. Take time out for yourslef, re-establish a deep, meaningful relationship with you! Learn to embrace and love yourself for everything you are and are not. :)


Hope this helps. Keep us posted and feel free to come around, even if you're not doing online dating! *hugs*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 08-15-2005 - 8:57pm

Thank you, Bklynchik. I do agree that I am not ready. For one, I am not even separated yet. I never really *meant* to get myself into this....but somehow I did. haha. However, I DO like this guy a lot. I think I am going to compromise in this and will tell him it may be a little longer because I not only have to separate (literally) but also have to have some time alone for awhile. I don't want to lose this person totally. I am thinking I just need to get out of this situation, get settled, and get my head a little straighter...then I will be okay. I hope it doesn't take too long.
Thanks again....and thanks for letting me hang around even when I am not exactly using online dating. :)

Hugs, Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:21am

Hi Sara,

Take some time to get to know what makes YOU happy..those things that you do for yourself that you can really enjoy. Go out with friends, go shopping, exercise, read...anything you like--be a little selfish, you deserve it! When you are ready to date, you will know what you want, as you will know yourself much better.

I did this for almost 6 months after my divorce, married 21 years (i am 49). It is the best 'therapy' you will ever put yourself through! I did not seek male company in any way, and actually turned down a few dates...just wasn't past that "ewwww....nooo" stage yet!

On the online guy--that is very typical. Maybe he is gaming, maybe he is just busy, but the aggravation is not what you want/need/deserve right now. Cupcake-ism #127: before you can make anyone else happy, you have to be happy with yourself. (credit to the psychologist who prob coined that, and maybe Hallmark, but it is way true!)

Writing here often is a great way to express your feelings and thoughts and get caring, honest feedback.

best o' luck
Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 11:58am

Thanks, Cupcake. I appreciate your thoughts and experience. I know I should enjoy my own company. I am one of those that kind of struggles with it. I am a Libra and kind of want to couple up by nature. The reason I need time alone is more to desensitize myself. I am a little vulnerable and not rolling with the punches as well as I normally would. I am sort of overstressed and anxious. When he doesn't look at the email right away, I think it is because he just has a thing about answering emails in the evening, and he does not do that in the morning. That is why he skipped over my email then. Just a personal choice, I think. And men are certainly wired differently. But he is a really nice guy, a great listener, with a voice that melts me. LOL. I want to keep him around, I think. But I will take some time for me. Maybe not 6 months, but I will take time. Thanks again! :)

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 3:27pm

Hi Sara,

I know when I was first divorced, well even going through the divorced I felt very sad and wanted to kow that I was still desirable to men since, I felt so vulnerable and my self esteem had taken a beating.

As soon as my divorce was final, I started to do online dating, but emotionally I was not healthy enough to do it, because you have to feel positive about yourself to withstand the rejection aspect of the process. if the self esteeem isn't doing as well as it should, the rejections can make you feel even worse as it did me. I also found that I was attracting needy guys then, the same way that I felt at that point. They were as unsure of themselves as I was. They do say like attarcts like and it was so true!

So I quit doing OLD and realized I should have listened to people like Sheri who know what they are talking about and had told me I wasn't ready yet, but for some reason I didn't want to believe them because I wanted to find someone to fill that void, make me feel loved, and just make the hurt go away.

But I realized I had to take the time to work on me and to love and appreciate the great person I was. I also joined a support group through a church called DivorceCare. It was a 12 week class that goes through everything a divorced person feels like loneliness, sadness, feeling different from everyone, single parenting, grieving (because you do grieve for what you wanted the relationship to be but I think in some ways it is more difficult because the person is still in this life), and part of the class is group discussion which is great.

You learn there are others feeling as you are and you aren't the only one or alone in these feelings. Everyone is at different stages in their healing, as some are separated, others are going through divorce and still others have been divorced for awhile and are still working on their issues. But everyone heals in different amounts of time and that's ok. I credit that class with helping me so much to sort through my feelings. plus it gives you something to look forward to each week and you make new friends, which for me was important as I had over time given up most of my friends during my marriage (25 yrs).

I had to learn to believe in myself and to make new friends, since friends are always there for you no matter what. The friends I have now are great and I continue to nourish those relationships since I know what they mean to me. I did many things with my friends this summer and am so thankful for them. Yet I have also learned to accept my alone time and even look forward to it, which was a very hard one for me having always had someone in my life in the past. So I am still learning and growing, but that is what life is about really. We learn from our mistakes and move on...

There is a message board that I have been to before that you might want to visit, it has many people on it that are going through or newly divorced and they discuss their issues. It is www dot singlestalkshop dot com. www.singlestalkshop.com They also have a great newsletter that you get weekly by email that gives tips for recovering after divorce and for newly dating. There are great message boards on here at IVillage also - you just have to search around.

I wish you much peace and healing through this next year and hope you visit here also.

Take care and good luck to you and don't forget that you are a very special person and deserve to be happy. Make Sara happy!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2003
Tue, 08-16-2005 - 4:23pm
You really don't owe him any explanation. You say he is being evasive taking time to read and answer your emails. That really says he is really not that into you. He is not as invested into this as you are. If your gut instinct tells you there is someone else there is. Always trust your gut instinct. It will never let you down. You say you feel bad about this because you are separated. You have no reason to blame yourself for anything you have done. Separation is the beginning of the end of a marriage. You are doing what is logical and healthy looking at and speaking to other men. I wouldn't recommend doing it online, but I think this has been really been good practice for you to stick your toes back into the dating pool with no strings attached. Don't beat up on yourself for a few phone calls. Even if was much more than that you are leaving your marriage, and it is only natural that you start to pursue other males. I know you say you like him, but I think you are just over emotional right now (I am not in any way putting you down. I have been down that sad road too many times, and I am speaking from personal experience.) When you end any type of relationship with a man rather it be friendship, romantic, committed, or just a really good one night stand you start to think wow he is gone forever. That is really heavy thing to deal with. To cope with this very sudden and traumatic loss your own mind will do something next that will trick you. You will remember all the good times and not the bad ones. You will imagine this great relationship that never was and never could be due to him being an idiot and an a**hole, and to boot he is not good enough for you in looks, in bedroom skills, education, personality, morals, personal character, ambition, etc. But after some time the dust will clear, and you will realize he isn't all that, and you are wiser from the experience. Mourn his loss if you must. I recommend boo hoo songs of any genre and chocolate, or if you are a player you are going to go out and drink a lot of alcohol and spend some quality time with a lot of hot men. Whatever route you choose I don't even have to say good luck, because you will grow from this experience and make better decisions in the future.


Edited 8/16/2005 4:26 pm ET ET by blacklabowner

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