Red flag??
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| Thu, 10-13-2005 - 2:22pm |
I have had 4 dates with a guy meeting from match.com. (tonight is our date #5.)
I don’t feel enough chemistry at the first date. Both of us work in IT field, the conversation was very good. So I decided to give a second try. I felt much better on the second date.
But there are still something bothering me:
1. Obviously he doesn’t look like his picture any more. He is 38 now. I will say that he is good looking guy by facial appearance. He looks more attractive on his pictures (no full body shot). I guess his picture was taken 10 years or at least 5 years ago. I said to him that the pictures were very nice. He replied that he does not look different from his picture. How do guys think? They really think they are same as when they are 20’s.
2. He mentioned he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom. They couldn’t get along at all, he said it at the first date. Is it appropriate to say it in the first date?
3. He mentioned sex occasionally. Like at the second date, he said he just ended a
2-months relationship in August. They met in match too. They involved into sex very quickly.
I would like to know how other people think these things. They put very old pictures even though they are good looking, but obviously they are much older than the picture. They said something not positive about him mom and ex-girls very early.
Thanks for any advice!
shanshan

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We don't always realize how much we have changed because we see ourselves every day so it is quite possible he has no clue how much different he appears in his picture. As far as the 2 month relationship I would see this as less a red flag than something positive because he knows or learned that he gotten sexually involved too quickly. Those are the non-red flags out of your possible red flags.
Now the red flag that I feel is a real red flag. Don't they always say that how a man treats his mother is how he would treat a woman?? Think about that.......
F
I think you'd need to know more about his mothers.
Well, if he thinks he still looks like his picture, then you can't fault him, but if he just doesn't change it b/c he thinks it his "best shot", then maybe he's just trying to find someone that likes him for him?? I don't know. I try and put two or three pics up of me, so they get an idea of what I look like. But ten years difference, I think that's weird...
The mom thing.... that probably wouldn't bother me, b/c it would all depend on why they don't get along... I mean my mom is extremely hard to get along with, I don't know if I would divulge that in the first date, but maybe he was trying to make conversation?
The sex thing, well, ask him if he intends on taking his future relationships slower than that. I mean she could have been a rebound or just a f-buddy...??
Just my 2 cents... hope that helps.
>He looks more attractive on his pictures (no full body shot).
Why are you surprised? Do you think people will put up a profile that makes them look or sound LESS attractive than they are in real life? This isn't a Red Flag, it's Online Dating. I bet he didn't mention anything about his relationship with his mother in his profile.
>I don’t feel enough chemistry at the first date
I think this is a red flag and probably the most important one.
I don’t know if he knew or learned that he got sexually involved too quickly. I didn’t feel it by the way he mentioned it. Maybe that’s the question I need to ask him. He also said the reason of broke-up is because ex had the mental problem, she was not mental stable. It is probably true. But I won’t voluntarily give out those info in the second date.
For the mom thing, I understand some mom may be dysfunctional during the children growing up period. I don’t think I had enough encouragement from my mom, my parents made me feel very unconfident on myself. That is the culture thing. But when I mention my mom, I always mention the good thing she did to me, subconsciously :-).
On our last date, he said he didn’t want to talk about it when I asked if his mom were too strict to him. He said I wouldn’t understand it, he never got any support from his mom.
Ok, maybe these things are too early to tell, I just need to watch them.
>He looks more attractive on his pictures (no full body shot).
Why are you surprised? Do you think people will put up a profile that makes them look or sound LESS attractive than they are in real life? This isn't a Red Flag, it's Online Dating. I bet he didn't mention anything about his relationship with his mother in his profile.
--- lol. You are right. People will put up a picture that makes them look attractive.
But do you consider it is not honest if one person in 30’s put a picture of 20’s? I had some very pretty pictures in 3-4 years old. But I won’t put them on. I will pick the good ones from current-year pictures.
There is another guy contact me, he is good looking, but the same thing happens on his picture. He is late 30’s now. The picture in his profile is definitely in his 20’s. You know how the body looks difference between a guy 20 and 30’s.
>I don’t feel enough chemistry at the first date
I think this is a red flag and probably the most important one.
--- I guess this is the main reason that I came here to ask the advice on “red flag”.
Is she? I made my suggestions based on no description of what his mother was like so I did the best I could.
You need to adjust that suggestion to fit the situation.
The fact that you are defending him should tell you something positive in regards to his character. Good for you.
F
I'm not defending him, I just said we don't know enough and some parents are really bad.
>But do you consider it is not honest if one
>person in 30’s put a picture of 20’s?
You will often hear people say, “Looks don't matter, it's what's inside that counts” (which incidentally, makes me wonder why people don’t put up an X-ray instead of a photograph on their profiles). They will also use other hackneyed expressions like, "Love Knows No Boundaries" and "Love is Blind”.
But most people using OLD are aware that looks DO matter. Just like many other attributes that have nothing to do with what is on the inside. So it’s important to have a profile that attracts as many people as possible in order to increase your chance of getting a date.
Would you have gone on a date with this man if his photo looked exactly like he does in real life?
Would you have gone on a date with this man if his photo looked exactly like he does in real life?
> yes, I think I would. I wouldn’t say that he looks bad in real. I guess I had a high expectation on him before met and didn’t have the chemistry on some part of his actions.
We had dinner last night. I asked if the involving-sexually-early caused the 2-month-relationship break up. He said no, and then he said he didn’t want to talk about it any more when I continued asking if he felt it was ok to get into sexually so quickly and what was his initial intention on match. He was sensitive about my questions and felt I put him on the hot spot. So I did little bit push by asking them again. He lost his temper and repeat to me in an emphasis accent, if I understood what he said about he didn’t want to talk about it any more. He said sorry for his temper later on.
I am still not sure my feeling on him. I don’t want to overanalyze his action, but I don’t want to be clueless either which I did before.
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