Red flag??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Red flag??
18
Thu, 10-13-2005 - 2:22pm

I have had 4 dates with a guy meeting from match.com. (tonight is our date #5.)

I don’t feel enough chemistry at the first date. Both of us work in IT field, the conversation was very good. So I decided to give a second try. I felt much better on the second date.

But there are still something bothering me:
1. Obviously he doesn’t look like his picture any more. He is 38 now. I will say that he is good looking guy by facial appearance. He looks more attractive on his pictures (no full body shot). I guess his picture was taken 10 years or at least 5 years ago. I said to him that the pictures were very nice. He replied that he does not look different from his picture. How do guys think? They really think they are same as when they are 20’s.

2. He mentioned he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom. They couldn’t get along at all, he said it at the first date. Is it appropriate to say it in the first date?

3. He mentioned sex occasionally. Like at the second date, he said he just ended a
2-months relationship in August. They met in match too. They involved into sex very quickly.

I would like to know how other people think these things. They put very old pictures even though they are good looking, but obviously they are much older than the picture. They said something not positive about him mom and ex-girls very early.

Thanks for any advice!

shanshan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: iamshanshan
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 11:19am
If you stayed with this guy, that isn't the last you'd see of his temper..trust me. They're supposed to be on their best behavior--at least in the beginning. If he can't manage that, you don't want him. A guy who says he doesn't want to "talk about it" too many times is a huge red flag. There is way too much game playing in the dating world, especially with online meetings. If he isn't willing to discuss some of the issues he himself brought up, then WHY did he even mention them? That would be another question I'd have. This guy has huge issues/baggage--not to mention an "anger" problem. If the evening played out as you indicate, save yourself some grief; I would not waste my time on him or consider seeing him again.



Edited 10/14/2005 11:30 am ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: iamshanshan
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:11pm
At least he's been honest with you. With his mom thing, you probably need to know how serious/deep that he can't get alone with his mom and the reason why. About having sex too quickly, that may mean he doesn't want to have sex too quickly, which is a good thing.
However, if you don't have much spark with him, it doesn't matter what his problems are, you need to ask yourself, why you are still going out with him if you don't have "feelings" with him?? Can you accept to live with someone for rest of your life that you don't have "feelings" with? I can not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: iamshanshan
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 12:38pm
ITA with mitsy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
In reply to: iamshanshan
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 2:20pm

Another thing from out conversation last night:
He was talking about his grow-up experience. He said his father kicked him out of home after graduated from the high school. I mean “kick out”, his dad called polices. He stayed in his aunt’s home for a couple of weeks. So I had questions on what’s happened. Did he and his father have a fight? He said, please don’t ask question about it. Basically, he would mention what happened in the past, but he doesn’t want me to ask, he just want me listen them.

Here is what I think:
How much does the childhood experience affect your marriage? Or creating a family is easier if you have experience with a good model of what loving family members are like? For example, in my parents’ marriage, my father is more controlling and has bad temper. My mother became more tolerant/submissive when she saw my father was angry. I found my mom’s reflection on me after I got divorced. I was not happy on my ex’s temper or some things he did, but I picked up being tolerance to them. But I couldn’t be as much tolerant as my mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
In reply to: iamshanshan
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 2:50pm

I see red flags everywhere with this guy! It sounds like he has trouble with relationships with people in general.

I'm surprised that you two have had such in-depth conversations in just a 2-3 date time span. I usually think it's better to keep it pretty light when you are first getting to know someone. I mean from the way you describe your dates they sound more like counseling sessions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
In reply to: iamshanshan
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 2:54pm
I would run not walk...this guy sounds like trouble. And I agree with the previous post, this will get worse, not better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
In reply to: iamshanshan
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 3:03pm

No, the last night date was our date #5.

In the previous dates, most of our conversation were based on his work which I was also interested in.
Last night, I asked his grow-up experience, just wanted to know more about him.

Not defending him, he definitely had trouble relationship with his parents, but he has long time childhood friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: iamshanshan
Fri, 10-14-2005 - 3:51pm

He replied that he does not look different from his picture.

He is not living in reality. He is not even honest with himself much less you.

He mentioned he doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom. They couldn’t get along at all, he said it at the first date. Is it appropriate to say it in the first date?

Sounds cool to me. I don't want a Mamma's boy and you shouldn't either.

He mentioned sex occasionally. Like at the second date, he said he just ended a
2-months relationship in August. They met in match too. They involved into sex very quickly.

Uh oh. This is not a red flag. This is a grenade exploding in your face. I would have concluded the date at this point and told him that he could leave now and go bone his ex since he can't quit talking about her when is on a date with a new chick. It is obvious he is not over his former internet f*ck friend. I don't give a damn if he still loves (whatever love is anyway) her or not, it is obvious he is still in lust with her and not even ready for a date if he can't keep his mouth shut about her.

Drop this dud. You deserve so much better than this. Everyone here at this forum wants you to be happy and healthy with a guy who treats you like the princess that you are.

R.I.

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