Red Flag or reading too much into it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Red Flag or reading too much into it?
10
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:37am
Hey all!
I’ve been communicating with this guy I met on DreamMates (great site, by the way) via email since Monday. Well, we exchanged numbers yesterday, and had our first actual conversation. The email correspondence has been great! He's very articulate, intelligent, etc. The phone conversation was ok; however, he said something that didn’t sit well with me. Our conversation was very lighthearted and humorous; however, he made a comment that struck a nerve with me. We were talking about the picture that I sent him, and he asked me if it was a real picture (jokingly). I said that it was and that I had no reason to send him a fake picture, as I have nothing to hide. His response was, “are you sure….are you back up to a size 14….” My jaw dropped, because I couldn’t believe that something so shallow would come out of his mouth. This guy seemed to be so cool up until last night. Of course, I’m foolish to assume that after several email exchanges I know him enough to say what he “seemed” to be. Ok, so the reason that the comment bothered me is because I happen to be a size 12 (which is right up there with a 14). I’m 5’10, and 168 lbs. I’m not a stick figure, and it bothers me that people still buy into the stupid societal standard that says that women who are above a size negative 5 are fat!! I’ve experienced the sting of disapproval because I don’t fit the societal standard of beauty, and the last thing I need is some jerk telling me that something’s wrong with me because of it!
Anyway, I asked him why he’d say something so shallow, and he said that he wasn’t being shallow; he just has a preference for women who are in shape. Well, I’m no hard body; however, I don’t consider myself overweight or out of shape, either. I have my wobbly bits as do many people. I am in good health, though.
Ok, so is this a red flag that the guy could be a shallow idiot?? Should I even waste time continuing to communicate with him? I haven’t met, or made plans to even meet him yet. Or, am I taking a harmless comment too far? Please give me honest opinions. Maybe I’m taking it too far because weight/ body image is a sensitive subject for me…or maybe the guy is a shallow idiot!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:42am
I can understand your frustration. If I were you now, I'd be all nervous that in person he'll be looking more at my body than ME, my personality, etc. I would have to pass on this guy. Everyone has preferences but he has no couth about his. His questions, especially taking it further with "Are you sure?" are pretty indicative of how he would probably continually critique you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:45am
Well as a BBW...I wouldn't bother with him anymore. Those comments have happened to me as well in the past and things never went well in the end. Those types of men are looking for something they can either mold into their ideal--as in, he is seeing if he can get you to lose weight to fit his type--or are just out there looking for their image of perfection, not someone they can really get to know. I now only stay on sites for poeple who are or prefer women of plus size (and by NO MEANS am I indicating you fall into that category because I don't feel you do). I just know that he sounds very shallow bu wish you luck on whatever you decide to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:53am

Thanks for your reply.
A friend told me that while I'm not necessarily blowing it out of proportion, it may still be an issue because of the fact that I now feel insecure. This guy is in great shape, and I do feel like now, he'll be sizing me up, to see if I fit his expectations. I definitely don't want to deal with that, so it's probably best if I pass on this one. It's too bad, though, because I felt like we could've clicked. Oh well, NEXT!!!

Thanks again!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 3:48pm

He obviously wants someone who has a different body type than you do, and it's very important to him, so I would pass on meeting him.

Are you clear in your ad and in your photos about your body type? I find being upfront goes a long way towards avoiding the situation you found yourself in.

There are plenty of men out there who would not have a problem with you being a size 12. So I would just let this guy go find someone who's a 2 or a 4 and not worry about it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 6:47pm
Hi,
From what you've said, I agree with the shallow idiot theory...NEXT!
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 9:48pm

Agreed....... loser! Moving onward!

Pink

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:29pm

I agree he's shallow and deserves a pass.

I wanted to add that I went to a formal event a few weeks ago with a friend who is a size 12. She is probably about 5'8" and wore a marilyn monroe style halter dress and looked gorgeous. She has the curves of a woman and they were shown to perfection. There are probably just as many men that are drawn to a woman that has a curvy shape than that are attracted to the boyish shaped thin women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 12:37pm

Thanks for the reply.
I just want to make it clear that I did not mislead the guy about my physical appearance. The picture that I sent him is an accurate representation of how I currently look. He saw my photo, and told me that he finds me very attractive, so I don't think that he has a problem with the way I look in the pic. What offended me was the comment he made about a size 14, as if something were wrong with it...
Nonetheless, I do agree with what you've said. I just wanted to make it clear that I didn't misrepresent myself at all.

Thank you for the reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 5:41pm
Honey, you are 5'10, so a twelve is NOTHING for someone of your height. HOWEVER, this guy sounds like a jerk. I was chatting with a guy who was so concerned about my weight, yes I am overweight, but I carry it well in clothes, and other than my tummy, I look okay and am always exercising and eating healthy to improve that. BUT, this guy was no Don Juan himself, so I just stopped answering his emails. I'll bet you are beautiful and some lucky guy will come along and appreciate you for who YOU are.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-16-2006 - 8:25pm

I didn't think you had--that's not the point I was trying to make.

Sheri