Red Flags

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Red Flags
37
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:27pm

So all you experienced OLD'ers out there... share with me some of your red flag stories. I'm finding it so interesting to see that so many people have felt the same things I am experiencing in this cruel dating world. And as we've established in a previous discussion, I'm a little naive... If I can learn what to look for maybe I can be ready for it next time.

Here's one I figured out on my own, rather reluctantly -- I met/dated a guy IRL that would yell at all the other cars when we were driving somewhere. It was kind of funny at first because he was sarcastic and I thought he meant it jokingly. (Just me rationalizing again.)Anyway, the first time I disappointed him, I got to see a real sarcastic, angry side to him. Didn't stick around to see how deep the anger gets...

What are some red flags in OLD emails that I should be looking for? I totally did not know that if a guy winks but didn't check out your profile first he's probably a serial winker...Learned that one in an old discussion I read today. You guys are great :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:20pm
The thing that would worry me the most about a guy who had a lot of female "friends" would be that he would be willing to talk to them (perhaps too much) about his dating relationships. I would not want his female "friend" to know the good, the bad or the ugly about me simply because my guy was willing to spill his guts to a friend who happened to be a female. I just would not want that. I think typically guys do not often spill their guts to their guy friends, so I probably would not worry about that so much if his closest friends were male. Maybe that is stereotyping, but that is my feeling on the female friends for guys scenario.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 3:02pm
You are right not to be comfortable w/ a guy who spills his guts to a gal pal, especially about issues w/his SO. Most women find that a betrayal of the emotional intimacy of the relationship. I never thought about it before, but my total narcissist XH did not have nor try to cultivate guy friends. He's a Reproductive Endocrinologist so most of his collegues/co-workers/patients are women. I had no problem w/ that til his Nurse Practitioner positioned herself as his gal pal and actively created problems between us, then positioned herself as his savior. Bad, bad, situation. And another biggie for me now is the relationship w/ family. Guys who have lousy relationships w/ parents & siblings tend to be commitment phobic or deeply narcissistic.
BTW guys do talk to other guys about their wives/GF's/SO's and in detail. Not long ago, at lunch, I observed a group of construction workers, yes, construction workers, chatting about one guy's X and it was exactly the kind of conversation a bunch of women would have about a guy.
Now is this a red flag? My BF has lots of long term guy friends and maintains a good relationship w/ his parents and siblings even though they are spread across the country. Yet, all of the above have joked to me that it's surprising he hasn't pissed me off yet. Could that be due to his very vocal X who never passes up an opportunity to diss him or is he notoriously difficult but on his "best behavior" w/me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 3:29pm

I think I am always on guard and worry about something being wrong with a possible love interest if I think local people know him. If I do not hear anything negative about the person, then I assume they are probably OK. In the case of Mark, I had a really good friend who knew him and his family. She had only positive things to say about him. She was friends with Mark's Aunt. When Mark left town (without even telling me he was leaving), my friend was totally shocked that he would do such a thing (as I was as well). So, sometimes even if you hear good things about a guy, they can still turn out to be a horse's butt.

However, I think most women DO look for assurances that the guy is stable, has no major skeletons in the closet, and has no shady activities in his past. Ultimately, there is no way to know for sure that a guy is what he says he is or that he will stick around even if he says he is committed to the relationship. I have often thought about the women who hire private I's to check out their men just to be on the safe side. The older I get, the more I understand why they might do that, but there is no way any of us can get inside a guy's head if he is saying one thing but ends up doing another. I have been duped too many times in the past and simply do not trust most men anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2006
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 3:31am
Thank you sooo much for the warnings. I met a guy who thought it would be fun to play 20 questions to 'get to know each other' instead of actually conversing via email or phone. I just received my 2nd list of 30 questions that range from asking about my favorite color to using tampons or pads. Keeps stressing what a good kisser he is. I guess it just boils down to going with that gutt feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 11:45am

"I just received my 2nd list of 30 questions that range from asking about my favorite color to using tampons or pads."


On that last part...are you KIDDING me???!!!!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 11:57am

Red flags for me:


~ wants first meeting to involve him coming to your house or you going to his


~ "cuddle" is almost always a code word for sex, even if he says "we don't have to do anything"


~ wants to include his children in your plans too soon - I had one guy want to bring his daughter on a first meet, and another guy wanted our second "date" to be me going to the movies with him and his son...uh-uh!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 11:59am
ICK!
heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 2:07pm

Red flags that pop up for me...(some of these come up early on and turn me off or I find them out within that initial first few dates or later!)

* If the guy tries to IM or email me more than call me.

* If the guy is overly flirty before we've even made it to phone calls, not to mention before we've actually met in person.

* If the guy references sex before we have met in person.

* If the guy has pictures posted of him in his profile wearing no shirt or standing next to a nice car...give me a break

* If the guy wants to see you on webcam in the first chat..that's annoying, he probably just has sex on his mind. I chatted with this guy last summer who lived in another state...so all we had was phone calls and we were really getting along well and I planned a trip to see him a month later (i was from his city too so the trip wouldn't be just for him). then after a couple weeks of talking on the phone (before the scheduled trip) i got a webcam (not for him but for family that lives in another country). I mentioned I got one then we ended up chatting in webcam. Apparently he was very webcam savvy...Well that same night, he showed me his 'ya know' thru webcam. It totally shocked me..I wasn't leading him on in that way. That was that. I didn't talk to him anymore after that. He stalked me for a few days telling me that he thought we had a future together. That was just crazy. I'm not going to get into a sexual relationship with someone i havent even met in person. As far as I'm concerned he's a stranger until I can get to know him *in person*. That would make meeting for the first time in person very awkward.

* If the guy isn't close to family and/or speaks poorly of his family.

* If the guy has more female friends in his social life than male friends and claims they are "just friends".

* If the guy says bad things about his friends. I dated this one guy who spoke negatively about all of his friends. I wondered if he had any true friends. That just showed me that I was probably being talked about behind my back too!

* If after a month or two of dating the guy still has not shown in some form that people know he's dating you. One guy I dated was very secretive and it seemed as if he didn't want his family knowing about me. They would call while we were out to eat and he would *never* say "oh, yeah i'm out to eat with devorah." or "devorah and I have been running errands all day..." blah blah. He would always say something like "I played tennis today" or something completely unrelated to my existence. He was this way with his friends too. I can more understand not telling the family early on, but he was always keeping me separate from his friends too. I like a balanced social life. The guy has to be willing to get together with other people and I at least once a month once we are in a relationship. I don't push it early on but after a month it's important for me to see him interact with people he knows or people I know.

I could go on and on...but those come to mind first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 2:24pm
'Just thought of another one. If the initial email seems very impersonal, I tend to think it is a template email. Have you all gotten a template email from a guy!? It's so funny to think that they believe no one will catch on to how generic it is. Once I called a guy out on it and he admitted to it. I think it says a lot to be genuine in your emails. If you're that burnt out with dating, then just take a break for a while. It's okay. We all get burnt out from time to time, but that lazy attitude is a turn off as the initial communication you get from a guy. I don't know that this is so much a red flag. It's more Lame than anything else...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 2:55pm

LOL - YES!

heather 5-18-10