Red Flags

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Red Flags
37
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:27pm

So all you experienced OLD'ers out there... share with me some of your red flag stories. I'm finding it so interesting to see that so many people have felt the same things I am experiencing in this cruel dating world. And as we've established in a previous discussion, I'm a little naive... If I can learn what to look for maybe I can be ready for it next time.

Here's one I figured out on my own, rather reluctantly -- I met/dated a guy IRL that would yell at all the other cars when we were driving somewhere. It was kind of funny at first because he was sarcastic and I thought he meant it jokingly. (Just me rationalizing again.)Anyway, the first time I disappointed him, I got to see a real sarcastic, angry side to him. Didn't stick around to see how deep the anger gets...

What are some red flags in OLD emails that I should be looking for? I totally did not know that if a guy winks but didn't check out your profile first he's probably a serial winker...Learned that one in an old discussion I read today. You guys are great :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: flalola
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 3:37pm

"* If the guy is overly flirty before we've even made it to phone calls, not to mention before we've actually met in person."


Ugh! I can't STAND that, either!!!

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Avatar for hwh50
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2001
In reply to: flalola
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 8:38pm
I dated a guy who told me up front he had a lot of female friends. I found out he was right and they were all just friends, none of them wanted to date him. He was always eager to please whoever needed him, whenever they needed him, no matter what we were doing. I felt like he was always hoping to find a better deal and as soon as he did I would be out the door. I left, and went and remarried my ex... That's another story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
In reply to: flalola
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:57pm

I avoid men whose profiles say age 40 -50 and never been married. Its like "what have you done all your life and why would you wanna settle down now?"

* men who are bartenders or run nightclubs for a living, because you know they are into that whole party lifestyle. They never settle down and are at risk of meeting plenty of single women.

* a divorced man whose grown children are still living at home, because you might have trouble with the kids. Happened to a friend of mine who met a man online. Guy was in his 50's and divorced. They really hit it off but the kids hated my friend because they wanted their dad to get back with their mom.

* guys whose profiles have a picture of them and their ex blurred out of the pics. I think thats tacky to put up an old picture with your old gf and cut her head off. You know.. "I could still see your arm around her." I also saw this guy who put a pic of him and his sister. Everyone thought that was his currently gf.

* guys who have same profile on other dating website. How desparate are you guy?

* guy who don't take down their profiles after you date them. It means they are still looking.

* I also avoid guys who say looking for friends, yet when you read their profiles it says that want to be friends with sexual benefits. Like, oh you want the benefits of a relationship only!

Or even guys who live in another state. My friend met a loser guy who told her he owed a condo and had his own business. When she want to visit him, the guy shared a room in his friend's condo and worked for Target. She ran for her life.

Hope this helped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: flalola
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 7:11pm

You don't live in Vegas do you?! That is EXACTLY the situation I have with the last OLD guy I met... I wasn't jealous or anything about him saying he had more "girl" friends that guy friends. But when I met a couple of them one night dancing, he was more concerned about them, where they were, who was talking to them, did they have drinks, it really weirded me out!

So you remarried the ex, huh! Would love to hear that story... I broke up with my 2 months ago (We dated for nearly 6 mos after the divorce). What were we thinking, ha!

Avatar for hwh50
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2001
In reply to: flalola
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 8:36pm
I live in Texas. Was married for 30 years, he left and the first year was hard. The second year we got real close again and lived together. Then the divorce was finalized and I moved out. Moved back in 6 mos later for financial reasons. 10 mos after that he moved out again. 3 mos later I started dating "that guy" and we dated for 3 mos then my ex asked if he could come home. He moved right in and we talked about getting remarried, I was sceptical but he got on his knees, cried (which I've only seen him do at funerals)and made a lot of promises. 5 mos later we remarried. 4 days after our second anniversary he left again, that was 18 mos ago and I haven't dated since. We are still very good friends and I haven't given up on reconciliation. I found out last week some of his friends told him he was being to picky about women (he hasn't dated either) and he told them if he couldn't find someone as good as me or better, he didn't want anyone. At my age (56) I'm not in a hurry so we'll see what developes. It's been a real roller coaster ride.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
In reply to: flalola
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 7:56pm

Red Flags:

-heavy drinking
-if you're looking for long term relationship, be VERY careful about hooking up with someone who is of a very different background (economic, religious, national, educational, etc.). Yeah, once in a while it seems to work and wouldn't it be great if those things didn't matter, but the truth is, it doesn't work often or without a lot of BIG difficulties.
-cheapness...frugal to me is cool, but cheap is different and now I know to drop a tight wad faster than a worm. It's about life-perspective, not things...and I got tired of paying his way.
-he doesn't have close friends or rarely socializes...why?? (In my experience, they were too cheap and selfish to make the effort to establish friendships.)
-I read one third of the men looking for online dates are married, so I'd look for all those signs
-if you catch him in a lie...be sure that more and bigger ones are to follow...(been there...)
-neuroses...overly meticulous, fanatical, etc.
-changes jobs often

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: flalola
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 2:06am

I have seen other opinions here on this Message Board about being on multiple dating websites. My take on it is "so what?" since we are all out there looking to meet someone so why does that constitute being desperate?

The other thing I seen discussed here is leaving up your profile while dating. Again I have read others say that until you agree you are exclusive and talked about that then why not each party continues to date?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: flalola
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 11:07am

"-if you catch him in a lie...be sure that more and bigger ones are to follow"

That is accurate. He may apologize and say he will never lie again and make up some excuse why he did it. You may initially believe you are getting over a hurdle with him and are 'closer' with him after that. HA! Think again! Once a liar, always a liar. Lying is an addiction for a lot of men. Steer clear of the liars...even if in the beginning you see him lie to someone else, you know, even if the lying doesn't initially involve you...it WILL later. I 'next' guys who have these tendencies. Integrity is a must.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
In reply to: flalola
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 12:12pm

I couldn't agree more! Seems like dating has really changed since I was in my teens. I never remember being stood up! It also seems like it's impossible to find a guy without any major red flags!

Here are some of my experiences:

Instead of a message, I get a phone number and email saying: call me if you're interested.
Instead of a personal message I get a pre-written generic message
Winks - instead of real introductions.
Men in their 40's or 50's who've never been married and/or never had children
Men who live at home with their mothers in their 40's and 50's
Men who call and chase forever, but once you meet them, they stop contacting you
Men who stand me up...with no explanation...after calling for weeks for a date.
Men who email from a state miles away or even other countries
Men who don't have a job, have no regular job history or move often
Men in recovery, but don't feel they need to go to meetings anymore
Singles events where not even one man offered to buy me a soda
Men who comment on part of my body or clothing negatively or sexually
Men who complain about other dates, other women etc.
Men who get too "hands-on" on the first date
Men who treat their children badly
Men who complain about their exes
Men who invite you to watch porno with them (seriously)
Men who are racist, or homophobic
Men who can only talk endlessly about themselves
Men who are so out of shape, unkept and expect women to have bodies like porn stars
Men who think shopping for foreign brides is a good alternative to dating.

That's my 2 cents.

B

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
In reply to: flalola
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 5:21am
How about ... Making sure that they aren't going to pull the rug out from under you with their mind games