Red Flags

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Red Flags
16
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 10:08am

IMO: The following links provide an excellent guide.

http://www.heartlessbitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml

http://www.womensaccounts.com/dating_a_loser.html

After reading through them do you still find yourself making excuses for the person you are dating? That is another RED FLAG!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: hal_9000
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 10:32am
Good guide, every person should read these pages before they start dating seriously.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: hal_9000
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 10:46am

Seriously, guys, I'm reading through these and seeing a lot of stuff that my most recent ex did, or milder variations of them.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
In reply to: hal_9000
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 1:27pm

A few red flags for myself include:

Genuine insincerity.

When my birthday was approaching, a guy I once dated announced his intention of taking me to France. The kicker was his comment that "but I'll need you to chip in".

I'd never been asked to pay for a birthday gift before. Incidentally, the trip never happened- which was probably a gift in itself.

Other red flags: Bragging about the size of one's anatomical appendages. Not only does this speak volumes for classless-ness, but could very well lead to disappointment for the female once mating season commences.

Exaggeration (of any kind) is such a turn off for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: hal_9000
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 2:36pm

I haven't gotten through the second link, but I did read the entire article on the first link. Amazing that I saw several things that reminded me of my long-time ex-bf. Many of the other red flags were variations of similar problems that I had with him. The fact that he still lived with his parents and had few, if any, real friends was a major thing that I overlooked for a long time. This was a number of years ago now.

The biggest red flag that most of us want to overlook is when our friends &/or family don't like the guy we're seeing. I spent years thinking that my friends/family were biased towards me and that they didn't "understand" him like I did. I think there is truth to love being "blind" because I lived in denial for way too long about the situation. Deep down, I think I knew I had to get rid of him at some point, but doing so meant that I had made a mistake. I saw the investment in time and emotion as wasted if I ended it.

However, through some other life changing circumstances, I finally saw the light and have never regretted my decision to end things with him. I had to get to the point of not caring if there was no one else out there for me; that I might actually be more at peace without someone to argue with. But each person needs to decide this on their own. No amount of talking, begging, or pleading on the part of friends or family will make you come to the realization any sooner. However, I wished I had listened to them much sooner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: hal_9000
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 2:59pm

I agree. I think our friends can often have a perspective that we either don't or choose not to see.

I have a close friend that just got engaged to a guy that has some of these red flags including the fact that all her friends hate him. I've come to find out that her family doesn't seem to be all that excited about him either when previously she'd let us to believe that they loved him. The ones that really start to sound like him are the ones starting with his friends and going on from there. I have wondered if she doesn't ask us what we think about him because 1) she knows and doesn't want to hear it 2) she knows and doesn't want to admit it to herself or 3) she really is oblivious.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: hal_9000
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 3:35pm

You know, sometimes I can understand why some women actually hire private investigators to check out men they are dating. Believe me, I did think about it with at least one or more of the guys I went out with. For Guy #2 who was the big hunter/biker guy, I racked my brain trying to think of ways to find out more about him without him knowing I was doing this. I actually knew some people who lived within a few miles of him, but never could remember their name (these were people I had met via some church meetings). They may not have known him anyway, but oftentimes, it does pay to ask around about someone if you suspect that they might be strange in any way.

If it were possible, it would be interesting to ask any of these guys' ex-girlfriends or ex-wives about them; especially the ones who are now re-married or in other relationships. That way, they aren't likely still carrying a torch for them and are in a place to be more truthful about why they broke up. Hmmm...might be a "reality show" in the making. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
In reply to: hal_9000
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:33pm
Oh! Count me in on that reality show!!! I will be the ex-wife in that situation and I will GLADLY discuss my ex's behavior w/any unsuspecting female! ;-)
Those red flag sites were great, I just read both. I have my tennis shoes on and laced...ready to go, but! I've already ditched the two loosers (ex-husband & rebound bf)! So, here I am, 11 months later, no bf, keeping a low profile (don't want the exbf to find me...I've recently moved) and I'm wondering will love ever find me? Gosh! I feel like I've been waiting forever! But I would rather wait than be stuck with another LOOSER!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: hal_9000
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:54pm
Holy Smokes! I needed that list 20 years ago! 95% of the articles describe by EX! I might just print that out and hang it on my refrigerator! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
In reply to: hal_9000
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 9:39pm

Thank you, Hal, for posting those links! I found "The Loser" one to be especially enlightening. Although it is long, I would encourage anyone who dates to read it!

I was married to an abuser for 19 years and so many of the characteristics listed were dead on. After we separated, I went an entire 2 years without dating anyone. I wanted to get strong on my own and NOT make the same mistake again. My first relationship was with someone who seemed so perfect in every way....turned out to be an even worse abuser than my husband, believe it or not. (Met him on Match and it is a bad story with a very bad ending.)

Now I am starting to learn more about this pattern. Reading these kinds of articles, posts, books, etc. is helping me to see things in such a different light. I am learning what to look for and how to interpret behaviors that may, initially, seem so innocent. I wish it hadn't taken me half my life (literally) to begin to see this stuff but, I'm sure glad I'm seeing it now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
In reply to: hal_9000
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 11:05am

Hi Hal,

Excellent articles. I even bookmarked the second one. I really appreciated how the second article wasn't only about men.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

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