Red flags or just plain fears? PLS HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Red flags or just plain fears? PLS HELP!
9
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 7:04pm

I’m 32 old woman (one 7.5 year relationship – ended b/se he couldn’t commit -- and another 6 mo long one – he got scared, not ready for a relationship, he said), met this man on Match.com a month ago (emailed/talked on the phone for 2 weeks, have been dating for another 2, a total of six dates). I am at a point where I want to settle down, get married, have kids, etc. Seems like so is he (he is 33, has always been in LTRs – 5 of these, each lasting for 2.5 to 3 yrs; neither of us have been married) . I didn’t know how to ask him what he is looking for in a relationship and was very relieved that (on our 3d date) he was the one who opened the discussion: we talked for about 6 hours, I felt very comfortable, he was very open to share relationship history, expectations etc.

Here is my problem: he is more into “analyzing/overanalyzing” things and jumping ahead than I think is healthy (and I am usually the partner who is always concerned about where things are going!!!). I have always wanted to meet a man who knows what they want (romantically/partner wise) and are open to share thoughts and feelings and ask questions to find out what their potential partner might want. This seemed great to me! Yet, on our fourth date, we ended up discussing this for yet another 4 hours, and I had the feeling that he is worrying a bit too much ( I understand that he wants to do it “right” this time, and I really respect him for that; he said that he has been thinking a lot about what makes a successful relationship).However, at one point he sounded like “OMG, we have no money to send our kids to college!” and “Oh, s*&t, our sex life sucks!” LOL -- he talked about his apprehensions about being financially stable, in relation to having kids and his fears that he can’t always keep things exciting in the bedroom!!! Now, I do appreciate his honesty and his willingness to be open about things, but this is a bit too much info too soon (at this point, we hadn’t been physically intimate, we kissed for the first time on our 6th date last night!!!). What am I supposed to make of it? (given that I don’t know him): conclude that he is a flake and a sexual bore (which I am not doing , mind you!!!!), or think that he might subconsciously replacing talking about intimacy for actually trying to build intimacy with a real partner… I didn’t do any of these, I really like him, so I assured him that it definitely takes two tango (financially and sexually included) and we should both try take things one day at a time, take the risk and get to know each other…

I am concerned about this though: while I always have great time with him, his apprehensions about “getting it right this time” are really getting to me. He is extremely sweet, seems kind and a great person, yet he would always ask me questions that are meant to find out things that I don’t like, get irritated by, would hurt me, etc. so he doesn’t do that (I know that this is supposed to be a great thing, or is it?), but I am concerned that I might have gotten me an insecure “people pleaser” (I know it doesn’t bode well for relationships, or for the person’s own well-being and happiness…) Or may be he is just healthily apprehensive and a genuinely giving and generous person? I am very confused…

The other great concern I have is that he is constantly talking about having children ( I do want kids, most definitely so), but the way he brings it up just makes me a bit apprehensive (at least twice every date… well, it is not about “our common kids” – although he did that once too – but still, the kid subject is always there…) I thought I would be thrilled if I met a man like that, and well, I am concerned…Do you think it is because we are conditioned to believe that “men are not supposed to be that way”, that it is usually women who are obsessed about biological clocks, etc?

Also, even though he hasn’t “professed his love” for me (which, at this early stage, would have sent me running), he started telling me – after date 3 – how what he most respects about me is the fact that I am a very strong woman and at the same time so caring and loving; how wonderful I make him feel, how he can’t wait until he sees me again, and how “I couldn’t help but think about you, which is why I m calling”… I guess I am supposed to enjoy all that, but I am just worried that he doesn’t really know me to say things like that…Of course, it could be that I am just not used to that type of attention and am freaked out that it might be a red flag.

So, what do, all of you, think? Are these red flags? I really like him, but I am way too aware of the risks of getting in a relationship with somebody who might be insecure, unhappy with their life – and this is not “baggage talking”, none of my exes were that, but some of my girlfriends have been in relationships like that and it is hell!!! Well, he seems pretty happy with who he is, he loves his job, is adventurous enough to have lived in Europe and then move to the US (he is from Mexico), but the fact that he could never be “happily” single -- even when he said it took him 5 years to get over this one particular woman, but he still rushed into another LTR shortly after they broke up… needless to say this relationship didn’t work – makes me think that he is just hoping to make his life complete through somebody else… And of course, I know that all I am posting here might be my fears speaking (I truly, really like him..) I know this board has great advice, so please help!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:03pm
Why dont you talk to him about it? If you think what he is saying is not appropriate at this stage go ahead and tell him. I think he might be just a sensitive nad caring person.
so dont loose him because of your doubts. Just be careful not to get attached until you know him better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:20am
I don't know if it's a red flag, but it sounds very annoying. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with a man, having to have discussion marathons overanalyzing everything. But it's a matter of what you can put up with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 8:27am

He sounds like he is very bent on finding a woman, any woman that fits his ideal. He wants to know if you are his square peg for his square hole.

Yes, a red flag.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 11:07am

I am a big-time over-analyzer myself, so I know what it is to worry about the future, and to try to fix things before they become problems. Maybe, in a way, that is what this guy is doing. And while on the surface, he sounds like a great guy, I too would wonder why he needed to talk about some of those fears so early into the relationship. I mean neither of you are sure you even want to get married (to each other) right? So talking about the "kid issue" much at all seems very premature from what you've stated about your relationship thus far.

In some ways, he sounds like he has a lot of female type worries (not to question his masculinity) and maybe a part of you wants a guy who is strong enough to shoulder some of that worry without putting every possible worry or pitfall on the table. The fact that he's doing this so early in the game is what probably has you bugged. It is almost like you can't even enjoy the relationship due to worrying about his worries. And while, I sympathize a lot with someone who worries (I am also a worrier), there is a point where you can scare people off if you don't keep some of those worries to yourself. Sometimes it is best to share worries with people who are not so close to the situation if you want unbiased advice. But, I think he's sharing too much worry (and maybe too much info about the future) way too soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 12:30pm
Hi,
I would proceed with caution.....and knock off all that kids and marriage talk and just get to know each other. If that's not possible, it sounds like pressure to me. It sounds like he will be very possessive if he is not already doing it. Good luck.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 6:22pm

Hi E,

Thanks for your advice... What are some signs somebody is possessive? Honestly, I am not getting this possessive vibe from him (he doesn't seem to be controlling; yes, he makes it clear he wants to see me often, but it wasn't done in any disturbing way;). Well, I have been lucky enough to not have hadd possessive partners, so any advice would be helpful

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 9:58am
I could be totally wrong here, but possessive is not the word that comes to mind with this guy. Needy and insecure might fit his personality better. If he truly is a chronic worrier, then you might end up having to constantly reassure him throughout the relationship. And if it wasn't the "kid issue", then it might be something else. In any event, I would table any discussions about marriage/kids, since that seems pretty premature at this point. Get to know him better and then decide if you want to venture into that area.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 10:55am

Well, this guy would have sent me packing already, but I know not everyone would get freaked out by him. I guess in my experience (and what I've seen happen with my friends), guys like this tend to end up doing 1 of 2 things. They get VERY clingy and attached, and then when you try to take a step back, they freak out and start to show their possessive side that somebody else mentioned. The other thing I've seen happen is guys who jump into this stuff so fast end up freaking themselves out (the paragraph about how he hasn't professed his love yet made me think this). I don't see any point in rushing, and you're right, he doesn't know you yet. I would be freaked out if someone started talking like that so quicky.

Aside from all of that, I think I'd just get flat out annoyed with all his worrying. I'm the queen of worrying about EVERYTHING, but this guy makes me look carefree! I guess it all depends on how much you can take.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 12:57pm
Hi Fiesty,
I guess he seems to be hanging on too tight for me. When I was married, I couldn't even handle that. BUT, he's talking about having kids on every date! Has he talked about how lovely you look, or how confortable it is to be with you? I feel crowded thinking about it. Maybe it reminds me of my ex. He had tons of double standards(men go out w/friends, women don't), and he was sometimes very intense to be around. In the end , his real issue was depression and mental illness.
I don't think you sound like you feel very comfortable around this guy all the time. Good luck with your decision.
E