RED flags shoud these be w/ old and irl?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
RED flags shoud these be w/ old and irl?
11
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 11:28am

what is your experience w/ men that come on strong and say these things/regardless if they seem like player or a decent guy , do you think men that tell you these things /its all part of dating strategy, and how many times have you heard these things for only the man to poof afterwards?? any anything else you want to add to the list?? and this is for OLD and IRL...

but this is what I say: they say:
wow never felt this way before/so attracted/chemistry
you are smart/intelligent.pretty everything I am looking for..
let's snuggle
Wow you have your head on straight, smart/school, take care of yourself, most women i date/run into just want a guy to take care of them. (do you know how many smart/intelligent women i know nowadays give me a break!!! )

futurisms/ in the first week about your "future" together.
promises..unkept

I miss you in the first week/

classic case of blowtorching/imbalance.. moving too fast.. and then they come to some sort of "realization" after their high and move on to the next..

what say you? I guess it's a just a caution not saying that they don't mean it, or didn't feel it but just don't put them on a pedestal soo fast.. and the ones that don't do this may have more substance?? balance w/r'ships.??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 12:08pm

I think a lot of times when you’ve been out dating and meet someone you really connect with its easy to get caught up in the moment – we’ve all been there. It doesn’t mean they didn’t mean it at the TIME. I think it’s learning to control your feelings until you have spent more time with the individual in question. I believe in romance and going with your feelings and having fun but at the same time experience as unfortunately taught me that actions speak louder than words and to find that out is by dating them for a period of time. Understandably their are folks who meet, have sex right away and live happily ever after – that clearly is the exception not the rule! Most of us are not that lucky and even if we feel it why not wait it out a bit to make sure – the heart is a fragile thing.

SP

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 12:23pm
Wow, your posting caught my eye because I've been pondering the same thing myself. I've been on match.com off and on since December, resulting in two relationships which lasted just shy of 2 months. In BOTH cases the guys were the ones doing all the talk of plans and future together. In BOTH cases they brought up the possibility of living together. My response was "sure, in a couple of months that would be a logical step. Let's see how this goes". In BOTH cases they broke up with me. The last one broke up with me 2 days after that discussion, which also included his bringing up the possibility of my going to England with him at Christmas time to meet his family. All was well the morning I left and then two days later he ended it without any explanation or apology. I was completely blindsided. This happened a week ago so I'm still pretty stunned.
Anyway, I just think many of these guys THINK they want a real relationship and maybe even talk themselves into wanting it yet struggle (or not) with the idea that there's something better out there in the catalog shopping venue of OLD. It's so easy for them to hook up with women and then move on.
I should note here that I just turned 45 and both these guys were 39. I just attributed it to the restlessness/anxiety of guys approaching 40.
Right now I just have to make my peace with this and try not to let the next guy suffer for the sins of the last idiots. Just keep plugging away. I guess you gotta kiss s few frogs before you meet that prince.
Best of Luck!
Chele
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 12:37pm


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That's called fear of commitment. I have met many men in their late 30's and early 40's - good looking, great career, very cosmopolitan views, very charming and they would rumble on and on about wanting family and kids and you are starting to believe that yea, they really want that and you might be the one for them but in all reality they set their standards so high so to be sure that nobody will ever measure up to them. I don't think it's intentional and these guys truly believe that they want family and kids - it's psychological and hopeless. That is why they are "active within 24 hours" forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 12:49pm


well to give you an idea /little idea of what happened.

my guy was in real life not old, but distance was a factor. we met and things went pretty fast w/ all his talks/emails/calls.. i tried to stay level headed but also thought why not take a chance as he seemed pretty genuine.

also w/ the distance i had more of a feelig he was genuine because we couldnot and were not intimate yet.

things were fine as of Monday and then he just disappeared. he talked of coming here, couldn't believe how great i was /how he felt everything

this guy was 39, turning 40 on my bday and has been married/divored w/child before. he was or so seemed like a family man. he also was in a 3 yr rship 9 mths ago, he seemed liek a r'ship guy rather than a dater kind of guy.

needless to say i didn't fall in love but just soo baffled that someone could just disappear like that. he seemed honest/direct and thought he would at least let me know if he had change of heart.

anyways.. i thought i'd share just to get insight/or educate ya all you just never know.. take things w/a grain of salt and never put anyone on a pedestal too fast.
sigh..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 1:38pm
The "future talk" is now a huge red flag for me because I fell for it so many times in the past. Now when a guy starts talking early on about the things we'll do weeks or months in the future, I just keep my poker face on. I don't do what I used to do which is believe him hook, line and sinker, and worse yet, take that as encouragement to start doing my own future talking or thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 3:27pm

From what I have been reading...I have been sumising these guys as commitment phobes!

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 4:39pm
amen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 6:35pm

ITA.

If only I had $15 for every guy who's pulled a ghost on me in OLD, I could buy myself a really nice pair of shoes at DSW. (LOL)

It's just par for the course in the fabulous world of OLD.

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 11:28am

With these kind of men, it doesn't always have to end quickly, either. I was with a man like this for two years and the barrage of compliments (you're so smart, accomplished, blah blah blah, fill in the blanks) didn't stop until the day he dumped me. Nor did the future talk. It's easy to get swept up in... I know it sounds like a platitude, Rosema, but be thankful it ended sooner rather than later. Think how much more you would have had invested in him!

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sat, 07-30-2005 - 11:50am
That is true, but like one of the other posters who is also over 40, some of us are past wanting children. Most of the guys in that age range do not want children either, especially if they already have them by a previous marriage. That alone should take some of the heat off of them when they do meet a woman with similar wants/dreams for the future. Most of us over 40 have established careers. Personally, I'm not wanting a man for his money or to take care of me. That also should be quite appealing, however just like was previously said, they talk a good line and LEAD YOU ON to believe that they are interested and want something long-term. If they don't and aren't even willing to go out with you long enough to see where it leads to, then they DO NOT belong on a dating site. I've said it a dozen times. This is a form of "false advertising" in my book, and I wish there was some way to screen men so that the "players" ended up falling off a cliff somewhere instead of using and lying to decent, honest women seeking something more.

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