Rejection

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Rejection
14
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:26am

Specifically, what's the best way to reject someone? How do you let them down as gently as possible? Do you shoot straight with them, or do you use the "I'll call you" line and then ghost? If you're the rejectee, how would you prefer your date to handle it?

Last fall I went on a date with a woman I had met online. I was very interested in her from the moment we met. During the date the conversation seemed to flow pretty well, so by the end of the evening I definitely thought she would be up for a second date. At her door I remember asking her if she would like to go out again sometime, like possibly the next weekend. She was enthusiastic in her reply of "Yes, that would be great". I talked to her briefly the next day, and then never heard from her again.

Looking back, I can see how I really put her on the spot by asking about another date right then. I almost can't blame her for putting me off like that. What else was she going to say?

I guess I'm torn on this subject. Had she rejected me right there on the spot, I would have been mortified. It would have been like getting hit with an unexpected shot right in the gut. But, I can't say I like the other way, either. I called her all the next week and left messages on her answering machine, still holding out hope that she really did want to go out again. It kind of prolonged the agony.

As far as me rejecting someone - I will never tell a girl "I'll call you" and then ghost, as I think that's pretty cruel. My first online date, there was no attraction, but I didn't make any promises to her. I just said I had a nice time (which I did) and left it at that. The date seemed more friendly that anything else, and I think we both felt that.

I hate having to tell someone we are not a match, because I understand how much it sucks to have to hear that. I guess there's just no easy way to reject (or be rejected).

I would love to hear some input or stories from everyone else. :-)

Eric

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:48am

Good question, Eric ... I don't think there's any right answer to this one. Everyone has their preference for different reasons. I think some men would prefer to hear, "I just don't think we're a good match," and personally I wouldn't mind that myself because I don't think it says anything about me. I wouldn't take it personally. (On the other hand, if I really liked the person it could be hard to hear, but since the sting goes away quickly it's not so bad.)

On the other hand, in some ways I think disappearing is a clear enough message. Certainly not a brave thing to do, nor particularly thoughtful, but it does send a loud and clear message. Mid-April I went out with a guy who seemed nice enough. I sent him an e-mail after our first date thanking him for a nice time. He replied and said it would be a pleasure to do a repeat. Then I sent him a couple more emails about something we had discussed and suggested a place we might meet next time we got together -- since he had said he wanted a repeat. He replied that he had relatives in town ... I think you know the rest of the story, so I'm not even going to tell it.

Ghosting, as annoying as it is, works fine for me because I figure if someone's just not interested it's not going to work out anyway. The advantage of the polite, "I just don't think we're a good match" is that it puts an end to the wondering. When someone ghosts you kinda keep wondering right? There's always the thought in the back of your mind that they might return. That's one of the reasons people ghost I think, they want to leave the door open, just in case ...

It sounds like I don't have a preference, right? I think I really don't. Whether they say something or ghost the end result is the same, so I really don't have a preference.

I've gone out on 9 dates since April 13 and my second date with someone this past Saturday. I really liked this second date man, but I haven't heard from him yet ... I think it might be a ghost situation, which really surprises me because he seemed to be having a nice time and even spoke of the future, said things like, "Maybe I'll show you that sometime," and "Maybe I'll give you tour of this place sometime" but since I haven't heard from him yet I suspect this "sometime" will never come.

On the other hand, last night I had a date with a guy I'd really rather not see again. He said he'd like to see me again, perhaps we could go to a movie he said. (Movies on a second date are a real pet peeve for me ... ) so I said, yes, sure, ok, I had a nice time, etc. As soon as I got home I thought, I never want to see this man again. (He's an adjunct professor and the date felt more like a class than a date; he was somewhat impolite, ordered first and blew his nose with the handkerchief. YUCK.) Do I send him a "We're just not a good match" e-mail? Is it better than ghosting? What do you think?

(I think I just realized that for myself, I'd rather get the "I don't think we're a good match email" rather than be ghosted. It puts an end to the wondering. I also think that because that's my preference, I would be inclined to send one in response to a request for a second date.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 12:15pm

Looking back, I can see how I really put her on the spot by asking about another date right then. I almost can't blame her for putting me off like that. What else was she going to say?

There is nothing with asking for another date right there if you are interested.

The ghosting on her part lacks character. If she was not interested, she could've sent you an email saying so.

I went out with a guy recently that I was not interested in. At the end of the date, he asked me to give him a call when I got back in town (I was going away on business the next day). When I got back, I sent him an email letting him know that we were not a match.

Most people out here are just chickens**t.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 12:58pm

Speaking of rejection ... I just got my first "we're not a match note" and it's a little sobering. Here it is:

Thanks for the card! Mmmmmm, it looks totally inviting. Thank you also for meeting up on Saturday night....it's really great hanging out with you. I don't how you're feeling, but it seems to me that maybe it's not really in the long run a good match for me. Eventhough I had a wonderful time. Let me know what you think. It is beautiful out today.....I hope you get a chance to enjoy it.

A pretty nice note as far as rejection notes go, don't you think? I replied by telling him I really liked him and thanked him for letting me know ...

Oh well, I've got a date tonight with someone who sounds a lot more promising anyway ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:01pm

I would prefer hearing "I had a nice time" and then get the we're-not-a-match email to being told to my face. I've gotten the rejection email, and honestly, it wasn't that bad. It was a downer while reading it, but then I was able to put it behind me and move on. There was no more wondering and doubt.

I think sometimes it's hard to assess if you click with someone during a first meet, and after consideration, you realize you'd rather not see them again. Ghosting is the chicken way out (unless both parties have no interest, but then that's more like passive ghosting); use some common courtesy, and let the other person know you're not interested. I always try to keep Sheri's advice in my mind now, though, that just assume that this will be the last time you see a person, and then be pleasantly surprised when you hear from them again.

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 2:40pm
I'd much rather hear the truth than being left wondering. Also, not everyone can take a hint very well, so ghosting doesn't always work. Some people can be very persistent.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:01pm

I think for me I'd much rather know that the other person didnt see us as a match.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:22pm

I've been on all sides of this. I've ghosted, and been ghosted on. I've done it via email, had it done via email, done it via phone call or in person, had it done to me via phone call or in person.

My keys are this: You MUST do it. Ghosting is weak.

I prefer in person or on the phone (with the phone probably being a bit better for the majority of people, since you've always got that ultimate option of simply hanging up if things aren't going too well for you or the other person).

But even if it's just an email, it should be clear. "I don't think we are a match" is *barely* clear enough; I say "barely" because some people are going to try and argue with it.

"We are not a match" is more clear and doesn't really leave things open for discussion. A few will still try to discuss it (more men than women will try and argue the point- we're dorks that way) but that's their problem, not yours.

Draw a line between what is your fault and what you're responsible for, and what you're not. You are responsible for your own feelings and acting like a decent human being; you're not responsible for someone else's feelings and you can't help it if THEY don't act like a decent human being.

"But they might freak out or stalk me or argue with me" is NOT a valid excuse for not being clear. Those are other people's problems of behavior, not yours.

And finally, if you don't want to reject someone because it'll hurt their feelings, well, welcome to being human- hurt feelings are part of the deal. Again, not your fault.

Does this set of guidelines mean you can be a jerk about it? Of course not. Like I said in the other thread, if you want to be a good person, you do NOT tell the other person why you're doing it- even if they ask you. That's just being rude and asking for trouble.

Instead, you simply be polite but firm- "I'm sorry, we're not a match, good luck."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:25pm

The only way that has worked for me is to followup after the date via email. If they don't seem interested then I do not call or email again. I'll typically ask via email if they are interested in getting together. I feel that this takes a lot of the pressure off them and you get a better (rather than polite) answer.

Toward the tail end of my OLD career I was just telling them we should do this again sometime...and for people I was interested in then I'd followup with email.

I never was able to master the skill of figuring out if there was mutual interest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 3:49pm

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You did nothing wrong by asking! She was the jerk for saying "Yes that sounds great!" and then ghosting. Admittedly, she could have been of the mind that she would go out with you again when you asked and then later decided that she didn't want to. But you did not "put her on the spot" by asking. If she didn't want to go, all she had to say was, "Let me check my schedule and I'll get back to you." Then she can either ghost (she just decided to never get back to you...) or email or call with the "I had a nice time but I don't think we are a match.". No big deal - she didn't lead you on and the message is clear either way.

As for my opinion, I think it depends on what stage you are at in the relationship what should be done. After a first meet and it is clear that there is no spark, I find nothing wrong with ghosting as long as you didn't both make a comment like "Let's do this again." - if you did and find yourself not interested later, I think an email is necessary. Up until the second or third date, I think ghosting or the quick email and block is fine. After that number of dates, however, I think a phone call is more appropriate. I agree with the poster that at that early stage, getting together with someone to dump them is not really necessary or a good thing. After dating a few weeks or months or more, in person is most definitely the only way to go - no emails, no post-its, no ghosting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:38pm

That sounds so much like my online dating situation that I'm sure you remember me going on about. Instead of calling him though, I e-mailed his friend, thinking he would drop in and read his messages but he didn't. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I don't know who I was kidding. I thought it was his shyness and he was a little nervous about going on a second date. Ha! I don't even believe he's that shy now.

It did prolong the agony for me too. Then after two weeks of not hearing him, I did call twice in one day and he didn't answer either time. I couldn't e-mail because he didn't have a computer. I found out the next day from his friend's e-mail message(he couldn't even e-mail me himself) that he wasn't interested in a relationship with me and he wasn't returning my calls because I wouldn't stop calling him, he said. I only called him those two times in one day!! He was delusional or something.
I only wish he never told me, when I called him the next day after our meet, that he wanted to get to know me better and see me again. That was worse than if he told me he wasn't interested then instead of later.




Edited 5/9/2005 4:52 pm ET ET by kathy748

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