Rejection

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Rejection
14
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:26am

Specifically, what's the best way to reject someone? How do you let them down as gently as possible? Do you shoot straight with them, or do you use the "I'll call you" line and then ghost? If you're the rejectee, how would you prefer your date to handle it?

Last fall I went on a date with a woman I had met online. I was very interested in her from the moment we met. During the date the conversation seemed to flow pretty well, so by the end of the evening I definitely thought she would be up for a second date. At her door I remember asking her if she would like to go out again sometime, like possibly the next weekend. She was enthusiastic in her reply of "Yes, that would be great". I talked to her briefly the next day, and then never heard from her again.

Looking back, I can see how I really put her on the spot by asking about another date right then. I almost can't blame her for putting me off like that. What else was she going to say?

I guess I'm torn on this subject. Had she rejected me right there on the spot, I would have been mortified. It would have been like getting hit with an unexpected shot right in the gut. But, I can't say I like the other way, either. I called her all the next week and left messages on her answering machine, still holding out hope that she really did want to go out again. It kind of prolonged the agony.

As far as me rejecting someone - I will never tell a girl "I'll call you" and then ghost, as I think that's pretty cruel. My first online date, there was no attraction, but I didn't make any promises to her. I just said I had a nice time (which I did) and left it at that. The date seemed more friendly that anything else, and I think we both felt that.

I hate having to tell someone we are not a match, because I understand how much it sucks to have to hear that. I guess there's just no easy way to reject (or be rejected).

I would love to hear some input or stories from everyone else. :-)

Eric

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:55pm

If a guy says to me at the end of a first meet, "It was nice meeting you,"

 

 

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 4:59pm

If a guy I"m not interested in seeing again asks me for a 2nd date, I will say something like what Vexer suggested...that I need to check my schedule and I'll let him know. Then I'll send an email saying sorry, I enjoyed meeting you but I don't feel we are a match. I don't say that to their face because I personally would want to sink through the floor if someone said that to my face. There's nowhere to run...at least with an email you're not left with the awkwardness of having to try to save face and act normal in front of the person who has just rejected you!

If I'm not interested in seeing a guy again after a 1st meeting, and he *doesn't* ask for a 2nd date on the spot, I will say something like, "It was nice meeting you. Take care." If he calls or emails me after that, I will usually just not respond. I don't think there's any obligation to do so at that point and I wouldn't expect to here from a guy who didn't say he'd call or that he wanted to get together again. I have a 3 date rule on this...unless we've gone out at least 3 times, there's no need to tell me that you're not going to be calling again, unless you've expressly created an obligation for yourself to do so (as in saying "I'll call you").

Once you've gone out at least 3 times, then you have an obligation, IMO, to let the other person know by email if you're not interested in pursuing it further. I don't think a phone call or in person is necessary or appropriate at that early stage.

Sheri

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 6:01pm

You're correct, there's really no easy way, no matter which end you are on.

I met a guy online and we chatted daily for a week. Got along great, had a couple of phone conversations and even made tentative plans for events months in advance(not smart). Our meeting wasn't awkward silence free but it wasn't dull by any means, so I thought. I was somewhat attracted to him (we were only together for an hour or so) and I thought it was reciprocated meaning, we'd definitely see each other again. I never heard from him. It was one of the first times I was rejected from an online experience and it took me completely off guard. It took me a couple of months to get over it.

On the other hand, I've pulled both the disappearing act and the "we're not a good match" card, neither of which, felt great. I must say, the couple of times I used the no match line, I was pressed to give a more definitive explanation so, as much as I hate to admit it, the disappearing act is almost a little bit more appealing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
In reply to: eric_35m
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 6:43pm

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, whereas we got along great with e-mailing, phone chat, and when we met, I enjoyed our conversation even though there were the quiet moments. I was attracted to him but I don't know how he felt about the whole thing exactly. I still think about the whole thing and it's been a little over a month. Hopefully, I'll get over it soon.

Ghosting is the cowardly way out as far as I'm concerned. I wish I never got taken in by that type of person

Pages