Relationship Dilemma ???!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Relationship Dilemma ???!!
5
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 7:02pm
I’m in a bit of a quandary and am not sure what I should do!
Here’s the low down….met a guy online back in January of this year. We have been dating off and on since then. He has been trying to build our dating relationship into a committed relationship, but I have resisted for a number of reasons. But, we do get along and have fun when we are together and he is very kind to me and treats me with respect. And, we make each other laugh and genuinely care for each other. But, for a number of reasons and difference we share, I have chosen to keep our relationship as a dating relationship instead of a committed relationship because I don’t really see us making through the long haul. So, as we were talking last night, he tells me that he met someone over the weekend and that he has an amazing connection with this other woman. And, he also tells me that the other woman has expressed an interest in pursuing a committed relationship with him. He is the type of guy who likes being in relationships and is at a crossroads because he likes me a lot (his words) and has been trying to build a relationship with me, but also has feelings for this other woman who shares the same interests and attraction for him and who wants to be in a relationship with him. I know the right thing to do is tell him to pursue the relationship with the other woman because maybe she can give him all the things he needs that I can’t. But the selfish part of me doesn’t want to let him go because I truly enjoy spending time with him and don’t want to lose him out of my life. So, I can either give it a go make a genuine effort to put our differences aside and give a committed relationship a try with him and see if we can make it work or say good-bye and wish him luck with his new relationship. I'm confused and don't know how I should proceed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:08pm

If you read your post, it's obvious (but sad) what you have to do. You say so yourself that there's a lot of things that are holding you back from being in a committed relationship with this man. Plus, you've been dating on and off for almost a YEAR, and you still don't want to commit to him. It's great that he was okay with staying in a dating relationship with you...but he's found someone that will give him what he wants and needs.

Remember, you never wanted to commit to him...so, you've had your fun, but it's time to let this guy go. Plus, don't you want to be with someone that you WANT to commit to, and be in a relationship with? You both deserve what you want...you just can't get it from each other.

If you decide to try and have a relationship with this guy, you'll end up resenting yourself for settling for him...and he'll get hurt and resent you for making him give up this other woman.

It will totally suck to have to let this guy go, and it'll be tough to get over...but he needs to be with someone that can make him happy...and then the 'right' guy will come along, and you'll be glad you did what you did.

Good luck!
Alyssa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 8:47pm

Sometimes being a good friend or girlfriend means stepping aside when they tell you they want to see someone else (if you are their girlfriend) or letting a friend go out of your life when they decide it is the best thing for you and them to go their seperate ways. You shouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. I know this is somewhat sad, but you can grow as a person a lot from grieving even though it is such a negative emotion. You need to let your boyfriend go to the person he really has affection for. In the process of letting him go you open yourself up to the possibility of finding a wonderful man who will choose you above all others, and not change his mind over the first available female he meets at the supermarket over the weekend. Just remember this even though you feel let down now in time you will see that it was all really for the best. Whatever is supposed to happen will happen.

R.I.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 12:21am
Thank you for your feedback. I kind of knew deep down that the smart thing to do is let him go and be with someone who can give him what he needs and for me the same, but I also feel like by him giving me first right of refusal I may have regrets for doing so. I've had it happen to me before, where I didn't know what I had until it was gone. I am going to see him Friday night to talk about this more with him. We'll see what happens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 11:05am

I agree with Astro girl. You need to let this guy go. I sense that what you might be feeling is a bit of resentment that, in a way, you feel cheated on because while he was supposedly trying to make things work with you, he up and meets someone else. But, look at it this way, at least he TOLD you this and you didn't have to hear it from someone else. He was upfront about it, which is more than I can say for a lot of men. Also realize that if you had the right feelings for him, you would be together in a committed relationship and this other person might not have ever entered the picture.

In reality, you probably saw him as more of a "friend" than a boyfriend, and that's OK as long as both people agree to that arrangement. However, one-sided love or affection does not make for good long-term relationships. In time, you might even be glad that it panned out this way since you knew (deep down) that you were going to quit seeing him at some point. You don't have the guilt of breaking up with him since it was taken out of your hands. Try to be glad that he has found someone else and now you are free to find a guy who will be more than a friend or just someone to hang out with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 2:31pm

He wants a comittment. You don't.

"But the selfish part of me doesn’t want to let him go because I truly enjoy spending time with him and don’t want to lose him out of my life. "

You are right. That is selfish. If you behave selfishly, you will begin to think of yourself that way. How can you be proud of that? How do we hold our heads up if we make the world worse instead of better? When you are old and look back on your life, is that what you want to see?