Relationships 2005 and up

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Relationships 2005 and up
12
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 5:48pm

Relationships

Reading some of these posts lately such as the Craig’s List guy with his unrealistic demands and requirements that someone posted and others with commitment issues...do you suspect that normal, healthy relationships (however you define normal) are more extinct as time goes on? It seems society is so self absorbed and have lost what falling in love means and what it means long term. I know finding a good man or woman is difficult but they do exist you just have to be patient.

Anyone can have a career but very few can have a loving lasting relationship. It’s where you’re both selfless and want to make it work even if it means drastic changes at times. The longer you’re single, the more set in your ways you’ll become but the right person can make you bend. When did society loose site of this? LOL.
SP

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:01pm

I think you have a point, and I also think that our society doesn't prize and recognize character and integrity as much any more, so fewer people exhibit these qualities.

I remain optimistic but I recognize that the pool of men who have the qualities I want in a partner, and who are ready, willing and able to be in a healthy, long-term romantic relationship is small indeed.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:10pm

You know, I've often thought the same things. I think that some people get so wrapped up in what *they* want, that they forget what it takes to make relationship work. Too many people want instant, total gratification and won't spend the time, or effort, it takes to make it work. At the first sign of discord, they bail. Obviously, there are situations where giant, red flags are slapping you in the face and to stick around would not be wise.

It is a give and take situation and, yes, sometimes compromises must be made. But I think it's important to note that it's give and take on BOTH sides.

Years ago I attended seminars on people and negotiating skills on behalf of my company. I remeber thinking, at the time, how much of waste it was going to be. Well, I walked out of there with skills I have used over and over again. The basics apply to so many situations.

Do I think that healthy relationships are becoming extinct? You bet and for the reasons stated in the first paragraph.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:21pm

When one realizes what you “need” vs. what you “want” you’re already two steps ahead of the rest.

Peanut

Avatar Image"The Small Peanu
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:22pm

SP....

Pianoguy thinks it's difficult (for a man anyway) to juggle a career and a relationship. It's not impossible to do both...but there are times when a man is forced to make a judgement call that's either going to annoy a boss...or irritate a spouse (or g/f).

There's a 'built-in monetary support system' in many men....and this can override an obligation to a wife or family member. And maybe this is why some of us seem to "try harder" with one over the other? I'm not suggesting that an equal amount of time can't be allotted to keep the family happy....while keeping the bank account stable....but with so many jobs being eliminated (and others being consolidated)...a man is occasionally forced to 'sacrifice the spouse in favor of the security!'

Some women can accept this condition....and most sensitive men try to make up the loss to them (sometime down the road). Other women assume a man's job is a way for a b/f or husband to 'avoid' them entirely....and they often get upset to the point of heading for divorce court! So where does this put the b/f or husband?

Now...I didn't bother responding to the Craig's list post because it was so stupid. It's a clear indication why some women think that ALL MEN ARE JERKS! But I'm willing to give Craig the benefit of the doubt. He IS a JERK!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 6:41pm

>>do you suspect that normal, healthy relationships (however you define normal) are more extinct as time goes on?<<

Absolutely not.

I do think, though, that people have gotten away from some classic definitions of "normal, healthy" relationships. I think that we have bought into some media depictions of what we should value, and these things are not as healthy as "traditional" values.

I'm not a big-time moralist type.

But I do think that the "conventional wisdom" unfairly downplays the honor and value that we used to see in, for example, a family sticking together, no divorce, parents giving of themselves to raise children, people being willing to give up something they want to make their partner happy.

These days, people do want quicker (if not instant) gratification. They're used to it- hit McDonald's up for a fast "meal".

But when it comes to relationships, I think that there's still plenty of good ones out there. I don't think that normal, healthy relationships are fewer; I just think we don't hear about them and people don't make as big a deal over them as they used to.

And people certainly still WANT those relationships. Look at us on this board- I think nearly everyone would be delighted to have a happy, normal, healthy, mutually supportive relationship with someone. I believe even the player types (both men and women) would ultimately like that kind of relationship- they just don't know how to have one, so they act in the way that they do know.

Another factor, and I hate to point this out, but the fact is that we forget that there are plenty of people in those good relationships. Us OLD singletons don't see them as much and don't think of them as much, though, because we're not IN them.

As we get older, we tend to pair off. In the mid-to-late-20s, people start pairing up for good, and those of us who're left might not (as a group) be quite as ready, willing, or able to be a good relationship partner.

Does this mean if you're still single by the age of, say, 35, 45, 55, you must be a big loser? Of course not! There's plenty of reasons why decent, caring, giving people might still be single by then. Stuff happens.

So to answer your question... I don't think that good, healthy relationships are going extinct.

I think that the media (in all forms) doesn't give them as much attention as it used to; I think that people are a bit more demanding in how things are supposed to make them happy; and I think that we forget there's plenty of good relationships and people capable of them out there, but (unfortunately for us) as we get older more and more of those people are already paired up with someone else.

It's an awfully good (and slightly depressing) question, though, to ask.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:42pm
Is this an idealist talking in you? :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:46pm

I still see those relationships.

Linda
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:54pm
you are so right today more people have such high expectations and what they want and what they will not tolerate. it's ok to be picky but you have to bend a little bit don't you? and w/ that in mind they walk the minute there is a problem thinking the grass is greener and it usually is not.. very sad,people work hard at everything else in their life but r'ships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 1:25am

Heh... I was thinking about the idealist/realist point of view when I was typing out that reply.

I think it IS idealistic to believe that a normal, happy relationship is not only still possible, but still common in today's world. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope not, though. :)

To look at things and insist that they're not threatened, you'd have to totally be an idealist. Those great relationships ARE threatened, but call me a dreamer- I think they still exist, are plenty healthy in number, and that more people are in them than we conventionally think are.

I even go so far as to believe that I can and will be in one someday. Maybe not, but I think so. And I believe that about almost everyone here, too- even the mean bitter cynical people have it in them to be in a great, healthy, happy, normal relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Wed, 01-12-2005 - 8:42am

I don't think society lost sight of "normal, healthy relationships"...society has never really had it in the first place.....

We're just now getting to a focal point where women believe they can have what they want in a relationship (and men too for that matter). Marriages and relationship over time have changed and evolved---people used to marry to procreate, then they married because it was 'supposed' to happen, then people stayed loveless or toxic marriages because it wasn't 'right' to get divorced, people then started wanting to marry for 'love' in and of itself because they'd been fed the romantic notion (through whatever channels) that this is all it takes for a relationship to exist.....

Now, I think people are falling into two major camps (with additional stragglers out there, of course because the entire populus can't fit into only two molds).

There are the people wanting a myriad of healthy components when looking at a relationship, so of course it's going to be more difficult to find one that 'fits'. They believe that love is not selfless, but is instead a balancing act and a compromise--not a compromise of self, but a compromise of ideals. They believe that they can be in a couple, but still be an individual person as well.

Then you have the people who buy into the media/socialized notion of relationships in that they should "know" after six weeks of reality show marathon-like dating~in some respects it's back to that 'romantic' notion of it all; the people who believe that the knight is going to come on his steed and sweep said princess off her dainty little feet. When every little romanticized portion doesn't fit or when the WOW wears off, they move on to the next one who just might be capable of the ride in and the sweeping off the feet. They're in love with the idea of being in love.

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

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