Responses to Rejection

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Responses to Rejection
12
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 11:12am

This is just a little vent, but I am beginning to understand why some guys just don't answer e-mails/winks when they are not interested. I used to think it was just rude, but maybe they are just afraid of rude replies.

Most of the time when I have sent a polite, "thanks but we're not a match" response, I have gotten no answer. That seems appropriate to me. A few other times I have gotten a "good luck on your search," which also seems appropriate. A couple of guys asked me to reconsider which I replied to politely and that was that. But some guys are just nasty. You can tell they are just hitting out because they are hurt, but it's still unpleasant.

The most recent one wishes me luck with the tag "you are going to need it." Now, I am sure that I am not the only woman who has not been interested in him. He is obese and he hasn't got an interesting profile (not just for picky me--this guy likes to do maybe three things and has nothing to say about himself except that he is a nice laid back guy). So I am guessing that when women just ignore his winks/e-mail he leaves them alone, but when they are polite enough to reply "thanks but no thanks," he answers rudely.

It's a real encouragement not to be polite.

Elsa

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 11:55am

Huh.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 2:42pm

I have been grateful when a guy has e-mailed back a "thanks but no thanks" and/or has replied, after an exchange of a couple of e-mails, that he really doesn't think we're a good match. Sure, it hurts, but it tells me that the subject is closed. What I really hate are the guys who exchange a couple of e-mails and then stop writing (even though they initiated the contact).

To me, when someone doesn't reply to a wink or e-mail, it's a little like not saying "good morning" to a stranger who said "good morning" to you on the sidewalk or in an elevator. It's not polite.

But like you, I am finding the responses to my politeness less than polite. It may be that, as you say, they feel that I am rubbing the rejection in by actually putting it into words instead of letting the silence tell them indirectly. So maybe I'll just start ignoring winks and e-mails, even though it violates my "do unto others" philosophy.

I sometimes feel like replying to these rude replies, "Thanks for confirming that I was right not to want to have anything to do with you." ;)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 4:23pm

I typically don't respond to winks...but as far as email rejections go, (and I'm on Match) this time, I decided to try my luck at replying out of courtesy to those I wasn't interested in. Of course, it takes time to do this..but I figured, what the heck.

To my surprise, the responses I received were actually very positive. Not a single nasty reply. A majority of the guys wrote back thanking me for taking the time to write a note and wished me luck. None made pests of themselves.

So all in all, my experience with the rejection process has been good. Of course, it does help when the reason you are declining their advances, is because you recently met someone and are waiting to see where things may lead....that makes things much less "personal" ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 4:52pm
I think if you leave any kind of response, it needs to be non-personal. Distance is a very good reason to not want to get involved with someone. You can put that as a reason or that you have met someone else (they don't need to know that their profile doesn't appeal to you). For me that is much better than ghosting on someone or making them feel bad. I think those white lies are OK in situations like this. Otherwise, I do not respond at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 6:49pm
I have never responded to winks or emails if I am not interested, and I think I would feel very hurt if somebody responded to my wink or email by saying--Sorry but we are not a match. Nobody has done that yet. I personally would find it more insulting than silence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 9:13pm
Sorry, but I have to disagree. I guess I'm lucky that when I send a "thanks, but.." I have gotten either no response or an appreciative one. I'd like to get a response to my winks, or else I wonder sometimes if they are still thinking about responding & just haven't yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 11:17pm
I don't really like getting responses that say "thanks but no thanks." It just comes off as arrogant and rude to me. If someone doesn't respond back, I get the mesaage. That way, it also doesn't "seem" as personal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:56am

Mary,

It's funny but I take "no answer" very personally. When I was a teenager I ran into a little rhyme that went:

"Stick and stones are hard on bones
When aimed with angry art
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart."

It has always seemed very true to me. I'd rather know straight out that someone is angry or upset than have them slink off in silence sulking. I'd rather someone who doesn't like my work tell me so (and maybe let me improve it) than just silently not rehire/reappoint me. I'd rather a guy I winked or e-mailed would answer with a polite "no thanks" than be left to wonder whether the guy just didn't get the e-mail and/or isn't a paying member and/or plans to answer later but hasn't made up his mind.

As I said in another message, so long as the rejection is polite ("no thanks, we aren't a match," or "thanks but I'm looking for someone who will have lots of time for travel," or "thanks, but I have found someone else" or whatever) I prefer to have it straight.

The only time I've been upset/offended by a "rejection" was with some idiot who essentially wrote that he didn't understand why I thought we could be a match when we were so obviously unsuitable. That was totally nuts, but it still hurt.

Most of the time, though, I prefer to know straight out.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:19am

I think the point is, not everyone feels that way, so you shouldn't assume that the other person is being rude when they don't respond. They might be "doing unto others" also, but what they would want done is different from what you would want.

I personally HATE getting those "thanks but no thanks" emails, no matter how politely they are worded, so I don't send them. I'm not doing that to be rude, but because I hate getting them myself, so why would I inflict that on someone else?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 11:22am

A lot of people do not respond to winks or emails because they are not a member themselves.

heather 5-18-10

Pages