Revealing a Disability?
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| Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:52am |
What's your opinion: A fellow from an online dating service we both belong to e-mailed me and over a few weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls then set up a time to meet. He was always very sweet and soft spoken and is an educated professional. When we met, we greeted each other, shook hands, and he took off his sunglasses. I consider myself a compassionate person, but it was a literally a frightening shock to see that he has that condition in a severe form in which one eye is normal and the other is permanently fixed as if it's looking way up at 10:00 and I think it's even more prominent because his warm complexion makes the whites of his eyes really stand out.
My father lost an eye due to glaucoma in his latter years and in the past I worked very closely with two dear people I came to adore who had less severe cases of the same eye problem this fellow has, so I don't think I'm being a cruel snob, but I was a bit dazed and gradually upset that he didn't clue me in on this before we met. He had sent me three pictures of himself, but one was with sunglasses and the other two were taken at a distance, so I was unprepared.
He was thoroughly kind, brought me a dozen gorgeous roses, and couldn't have been sweeter. Nevertheless, I don't like how he handled this. Sometimes I'm a little suspicious of people who are very, very nice.
I can imagine that he has problems finding dates, but I'm sure there is an online dating service for people with disabilities or malformities. If I had his condition, that is where I would look and I certainly wouldn't spring it on anybody.
On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being cold. I do not want to continue the relationship because I think what he did was a little underhanded. I was the one who suggested where we could meet which is a place in the hills between his home on the coast and my place in the desert. I was puzzled about his worry about getting home before dark because of the windy roads and I told him that it shouldn't be a problem because on his side of the hills there are towns all along the way, "unless you have a problem with night blindness." He didn't respond to that and went on to something else.
Anyway, I would be interested in hearing opinions: Do you think people you meet online should prewarn of disablities or should we all just look beyond this? Would you continue a friendship with this fellow? Would you tell him that he should tell women about his occular condition before meeting them?
Thanks.

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I, too, would like to know ahead of time about something like that.
About 2 months ago I had a first meet with someone I had met on Yahoo & was IMing with for a while. He hadn't been terribly proactive in arranging a meeting...I thought he was just shy. When we did meet, I was shocked that he had Cerebral Palsy. He was a nice enough looking guy, but the fact that he hadn't disclosed this before meeting probably turned me off more than him having it period. As it turned out, I didn't feel any chemistry anyway, but the fact that he didn't reveal something that I think is important to not spring on somebody was telling...it revealed to me that he lacked confidence in himself, & confidence is sexy.
I've dated a dwarf & a paraplegic in the past, so I don't have hang-ups like that. He actually knew I had dated men with physical limitations in the past & he still didn't come clean. I think it speaks of a confidence issue more than anything.
Take that as you will. I don't think you're being shallow or picky or whatever.
For starters, you are NOT being shallow. I had the same experience several months ago when I met a guy from Yahoo and basically his whole head (the area where there should be hair) was burned. He was a nice looking guy and although he had photos on Yahoo, it just looked like a bald head instead of a burned head. He never mentioned it and of course, when I saw it I was surprised. I then proceeded to say "I noticed, you have been in a fire, how long ago did it happened?" and he got offended. WTF??? He made some comment about how people are so shallow and he has met other women who didn't even question or ask about his burn marks. Regardless, I told him it would have been nice if he had told me upfront.
Several years ago I met another guy through a phone chat and he told me he was in a car accident but failed to tell me he was a paraplegic until we met. Of course, I was shocked. We were meeting for dinner; and we had dinner (well I did) because then all of a sudden he realized he left his wallet at home! WTF??
For me, if a person is comfortable w/his disability then I can be comfortable. It's very difficult to deal with certain types of disabilities if the person suffering from it is uncomfortable sharing or talking about the ordeal, or lacks confidence. Usually they are the ones to flip the script and make you look like the bad guy and call you shallow. Too bad!
Like an STD, same goes for a disability, you should be upfront with the person and let them know.
I agree with both of you. He should have mentioned it in his profile.
He need not go on a site for disabled per se but just mention it in his profile. I came across few guys who mention their disability in the first paragraph even.
I m not sure if after you met him you talked about his condition at all?? or did you ignore it completely? Maybe he had it in his profile for a while but did not get ay responses so he took it off?
I understand you feeling deceived but hey would you stop talking to someone because he lied about his age or his height? It is not the same thing but those who lie about their age have no motivation except lying! this guy has a deeper problem so I would give him a break with the lying... I m sure you will be a valuable friend to him since you have met other people with his condition.
No, I don't think you're being a snob. I think he had an opening to tell you the truth about his "eye problems" when you mentioned if he had a problem with night vision. I think omission is sometimes the same as lying and in this case, he was not being truthful with you. In reality, his disability may or may not have affected your attraction for this guy, but for him to not tell you about it was kind of underhanded, in my opinion.
Most of you know I work a part-time job at W-Mart, I often see people with disabilites shopping there. There is one guy who comes into the store every once in a while. I believe he is married or at least has a girlfriend because he's always with a woman. He has been severely burned over most of his face and neck. I have never seen his arms or legs because he always has on pants and a long-sleeved shirt. He has a nice looking body; not overweight and has a full head of hair. I can tell that he was once a very good looking guy. I was able to observe him from a distance without him knowing and I had a long dialogue with myself about this issue. Could I ever fall in love with someone like that? Someone who has a disability that is so obvious, that everyone sees it no matter what? Would I care more about what other people thought or how I felt? I think sometimes we do care more about what other people think than how we feel about someone. So, I guess you need to ask yourself if you could see yourself caring about this guy. Would it bother you to introduce him to your family or friends?
I guess it all depends on how you continue to view his omission about his disability. If you like him otherwise, he might prove to be a great guy, but I will admit that him not telling you about his condition would not set well with me.
Hi Everyone,
This one hits home for me. As some of the regulars on this board may remember, one of my first posts here was about whether or not to disclose my disability. (I was born with cerebral palsy). I thought that OLD would help me meet men without the “stigma” of having a disability being an issue right a way.
After many thoughts and reflecting upon every suggestion given by posters on Ivillage, I decided to go both ways: I use Lavalife and have a profile in the dating section and another in the relationship section. My profile in the dating section doesn’t mention my disability. Because, I believe it does not prevent me from having coffee, lunch or dinner with anyone. However, I always tell a man about my disability before meeting them just for the sake of honestly and to prevent them from “running out” on me at their first glance of my crutches. While, my profile in the relationship section, is very direct it mentions the fact that I was born with cerebral palsy.
The reality is that: not that many men seem to have “bailed “on me for that raison. I always ask them to be honest with both of us; saying to them that if the fact that I have cerebral palsy is an issue for them, I do understand and respect it. In the past, some of them have said that they did not mind, but their body language told me otherwise, (I believe that you develop a 6 senses for feeling the awkwardness of others towards yourself). These “situations “are weird” for the 2 parties involved. And on the other hand, there even were a couple of guys who did not believe I had CP ;-).
My relationship section profile gets significantly less responses than the one in the dating section. But I not ready to say that’s entirely due to my CP being disclosed, but it also maybe due to the fact that the profile text and picture are different. Anyways if you ladies want to see how I “dealt with the issue” my profile name is sweet_smiley on Lavalife (same username for both relationship and dating sections). Your feedback is, of course, welcomed;-P
As a final thought, yes, a disability is in my view something that should be disclosed, Yes its ok not to want to date anyone with a disability. I for one, NEVER dated a disabled guy, & don’t believe I ever will. I don’t believe that makes me a snob. Am I in some sort of denial? Yes, maybe in the eyes of some.
There’s quick story: One of my “normal friends” is a “Poster Boy”. The type of guy that gets stared at more that I do, when he walks in somewhere. That’s actually fun & and a changes for me ;-P. We were at a restaurant once and this beautiful woman comes up to our table, looks at me and says “Don’t you think that you should be dating your “own kind”? My reply was “No I don’t”. So, she turns to Poster Boy and says “when you want to be with a real woman, who looks good, has a job & a car, call me" and she leaves her card on the table & walk back to hers. After moments of silent, laugher & great meal, As we were about to leave the restaurant, Poster Boy stopped at the woman’s table whispered something in her ear and left her card on the table. On the way home , in “MY CAR”;-P I asked him what he had whispered to her, he said: “I am sorry but you’re definitively not the “KIND” of woman I date”.
My point is that it does not or should not matter to anyone else but yourself, if you choose to date or not to date someone with a disability, someone of another ethnicity, or even someone with a different body type. In my view, what matters is that both parties are HONEST about who they are and about what they bring to the other person.
Should you pursue "contact" with this person? That's up to YOU and YOU only. Should you TELL him to disclose his disablity to the other women on the site ? No, that for him to realize and that his decision to make. I think that you could do is tell him that you did'nt like/were suprised/stocked by the fact that he did not mention his diasblity. That may cause him to rethinking his "strategy".
Sorry about the long post ….
W.
Edited 8/22/2006 5:54 pm ET by funnywinnie10
I asked him why he did not tell me immediately and he stated that he did not think it was a big deal. He claimed that he dated other women who did not mind. His last girlfriend was legally blind. I pointed out that he was very discreet about his disability especially in his photos and profile.
Anyway, it did bother me. I am so imperfect yet I do have a very strong preference in whom I would date. It is never easy being in this situation. I only did what would be best for me, what was fair as well.
That man deserves someone who will truly love him and accept him for who he is. I know I would not be that woman. He is kind and sweet. I have a strong feeling that he will find someone who is just right for him.
I have a friend who met this guy off craigslist. He was upfront about being blind before meeting her. She met him and has enjoyed his company several times after that.
I really believe NOT to surprise anyone by the time I meet them in person. I am upfront about everything. I have my picture posted so the women can screen me out before any contact. If it's via craigslist then I always respond with my picture even if they don't post their own picture. I also tell them my height.
I would be upfront with him and tell him your reaction and see what he says.
Mark
You bring up some really good points and yes, finding someone who can love us and we can love them for what they truly are and not just the "outer shell" IS of the utmost importance when it comes to dating.
But, there are two issues we have to look squarely in the eye if we want to talk about dating honestly. It IS about attraction, and unfortunately, the physical side of it is part of that attraction process. And sometimes, we can be surprised when we find attraction with someone we didn't think would be our match. Mark, the guy I dated for several months, was a much heavier guy than any of my previous dates or relationships. I truly did get past that and decided that he was good looking and as long as he treated me well, then I could deal with him being heavier. He did have some diabetic issues, so I did worry about his weight affecting his health, but I knew only he could do something about that. It was not something I could change for him. I was truly growing to love him the more I was around him. We are not now together, but it had nothing to do with attraction issues. He had legal issues that overtook the relationship. I still long to be back with him though.
Attraction is a complicated thing, but for many of us, it is important for those we might date to be upfront about some things. I have to believe that the OP is more upset that the guy did not tell her about his disability beforehand. If she did date men previously with disabilities, then she might not have been taken aback when she met him. She may or may not have been attracted to him, but putting myself in that situation, I too, would feel like it was a bit underhanded to not disclose something that was so obvious.
And it would have been better for him too to tell her about it so that there were no surprises later. I don't think something like this is the first thing you should find out about a person, but I do believe that it's important to tell people BEFORE you meet them. I think that is only fair.
Hi all,
Hi F,
I understand your frustration to a degree:
However, everyone has a choice to choose whomever they want or don't want to date.
There will always be people to say that, for example, a disabled girl should only date disabled guy, a white man should date only a white woman, and Catholics should only date Catholics and so on.
The truth is people have a right to believe that if that's fine for them. On the other hand, people who don't believe in that, like I do, must respect the point of view of others and seek someone with a similar point of view.
If there is one think I learn about being "different" so far in my life, it’s that the world we live in and the way people perceive people who are "different" often cannot be changed to "accommodate" ours differences whatever they may be. Individuals themselves must be the one to make the changes and or adapt ones perception or the way one does things in order to make the world, as it is for the majority, to "work for them".
I have to say so far, this philosophy has served me well.
Have a nice day
W.
Edited 10/23/2006 10:29 am ET by funnywinnie10
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