Revealing a Disability?
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| Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:52am |
What's your opinion: A fellow from an online dating service we both belong to e-mailed me and over a few weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls then set up a time to meet. He was always very sweet and soft spoken and is an educated professional. When we met, we greeted each other, shook hands, and he took off his sunglasses. I consider myself a compassionate person, but it was a literally a frightening shock to see that he has that condition in a severe form in which one eye is normal and the other is permanently fixed as if it's looking way up at 10:00 and I think it's even more prominent because his warm complexion makes the whites of his eyes really stand out.
My father lost an eye due to glaucoma in his latter years and in the past I worked very closely with two dear people I came to adore who had less severe cases of the same eye problem this fellow has, so I don't think I'm being a cruel snob, but I was a bit dazed and gradually upset that he didn't clue me in on this before we met. He had sent me three pictures of himself, but one was with sunglasses and the other two were taken at a distance, so I was unprepared.
He was thoroughly kind, brought me a dozen gorgeous roses, and couldn't have been sweeter. Nevertheless, I don't like how he handled this. Sometimes I'm a little suspicious of people who are very, very nice.
I can imagine that he has problems finding dates, but I'm sure there is an online dating service for people with disabilities or malformities. If I had his condition, that is where I would look and I certainly wouldn't spring it on anybody.
On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being cold. I do not want to continue the relationship because I think what he did was a little underhanded. I was the one who suggested where we could meet which is a place in the hills between his home on the coast and my place in the desert. I was puzzled about his worry about getting home before dark because of the windy roads and I told him that it shouldn't be a problem because on his side of the hills there are towns all along the way, "unless you have a problem with night blindness." He didn't respond to that and went on to something else.
Anyway, I would be interested in hearing opinions: Do you think people you meet online should prewarn of disablities or should we all just look beyond this? Would you continue a friendship with this fellow? Would you tell him that he should tell women about his occular condition before meeting them?
Thanks.

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I am stunned and disappointed by most of the posts in this thread. The language that is being used represents ignorance and prejudice. Words like "deformed" have no place when describing people. Especially people who you clearly state have treated you with kindness and respect. Perhaps he did not mention his "disability" because he does not consider it one.
Please, in the future, when describing anybody, use "people first" language. Rather than calling someone a name like "an epilieptic," simply say "a person with epilepsy." Words have meaning and the words we use to describe eachother contribute to our culture's attitude towards people.
To me the issue isn't the disability but rather not being upfront about it.
IMO, there's no "maybe" about whether he should have told her before they met.
Sheri
You and I diasgree on the impact words have. And I fail to see how using "people first" language is a smoke screen or a way to put people down. All people with physical limitations or differences do not feel as you do. Many people, especially children, are very hurt by words like "gimp" or "crippled" or "deformed." And so are their parents.
As an adult, you are free to refer to yourself in anyway you choose. I personally prefer words that do not have negative connotations or potentially hurtful impact because I believe it is helpful in changing the way society views people with differences.
A kid growing up today will have a better chance at being accepted if people are taught to see the person first, not the disability. And yes, it is taught. The poster who referred to the gentleman as "deformed" will vicariously teach her children to call people "deformed" and that kid will someday refer to my kid as "deformed" and hurt his feelings and mine. That is my truth; you have your truth. Neither is more valid than the other. But this is the "helpful advice" I was offering.
We have definitely strayed from the topic but I felt compelled to offer my take on this important topic.
BTW, my high horse rode off without me a long time ago.
Hey, I signed up to Lavalife just to check out your profile. I was on before but I guess I deleted my profile since I did not want to get responses and not being able to respond without paying for a membership. I was on enough other sites (focused on Yahoo and Match).
My feedback to your Lavalife profile:
I found your profile to be delightful. I got a sense of openness, positiveness and lightness. I think that it is great you listed those activities. I certainly would want to at least make contact with you from that profile.
Mark
Hello Mark,
Thank you very much for your very flattering compliments/comments. To tell you the truth I am a little speachless :-)
Thanks for making me smile and ending my day on a lovely Note.
W. (aka Julie) ;-P
Sheri,
I think it was really about the disability and the fact that he didn't disclose to her is the perfect excuse to dump him. That's not acceptable to me. She knows what she's done wrong here.
F
I agree but can you imagine all the men that have vetoed and what we may be missing if we aren't open to others imperfections. It also means we think we're perfect ourselves and of course no one is.
F
That could be, but I don't think the OP did anything "wrong" here. But of course I can only speak for myself and from my own perspective if I were in the same situation. I would be open to the possibility of dating someone who had a physical disability IF he were upfront about it from the start. But I can't deal with deception and the person not being upfront. So for me, it would be about the deception, not the disability.
Sheri
Maybe I understand because of the fact that I understand how people have a tendency to reject someone far before they give them a chance to get to know them. I have experienced that as a woman of weight and believe it or not I haven't been rejected as a woman of physical of limitations (okay so I wanted to use my normal "crippled" word but to be more PC on this board I digressed. Men have a tendency to be more drawn to me crippled (sorry gonna call a spade a spade here) than when I was non-crippled. I think it has something to do with my being far more vulnerable and less strong then I was prior to my illness. I am an independent person and this has taught me to allow others to assist me because in certain circumstances I have little choice in the matter.
I think in a nutshell that we close ourselves off to people for all the wrong reasons. I know that my guy is a very large man with bad knees and a fused ankle. He suffers daily from the pain and hates the way he has gained weight since this has all happened to him. He feels real bad about himself and with him being 6'5" he is a huge teddy bear but sometimes that bear gets grumpy and I just steer clear of him. But on the outside even with the weight this man is HOT!! His smile is awesome and he is much loved amongst our co-workers. Visually we are quite a pair but what others think doesn't matter to me because if I cared what people thought of me I would have slit my wrists years ago.
I am so glad that I don't see the weight of this man and what is truly inside. Hot and funny and perfect for me. I am thrilled he adores me. Just got to reinforce the bed when the time comes and my fairy tale is complete.
F
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