Revealing a Disability?
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| Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:52am |
What's your opinion: A fellow from an online dating service we both belong to e-mailed me and over a few weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls then set up a time to meet. He was always very sweet and soft spoken and is an educated professional. When we met, we greeted each other, shook hands, and he took off his sunglasses. I consider myself a compassionate person, but it was a literally a frightening shock to see that he has that condition in a severe form in which one eye is normal and the other is permanently fixed as if it's looking way up at 10:00 and I think it's even more prominent because his warm complexion makes the whites of his eyes really stand out.
My father lost an eye due to glaucoma in his latter years and in the past I worked very closely with two dear people I came to adore who had less severe cases of the same eye problem this fellow has, so I don't think I'm being a cruel snob, but I was a bit dazed and gradually upset that he didn't clue me in on this before we met. He had sent me three pictures of himself, but one was with sunglasses and the other two were taken at a distance, so I was unprepared.
He was thoroughly kind, brought me a dozen gorgeous roses, and couldn't have been sweeter. Nevertheless, I don't like how he handled this. Sometimes I'm a little suspicious of people who are very, very nice.
I can imagine that he has problems finding dates, but I'm sure there is an online dating service for people with disabilities or malformities. If I had his condition, that is where I would look and I certainly wouldn't spring it on anybody.
On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being cold. I do not want to continue the relationship because I think what he did was a little underhanded. I was the one who suggested where we could meet which is a place in the hills between his home on the coast and my place in the desert. I was puzzled about his worry about getting home before dark because of the windy roads and I told him that it shouldn't be a problem because on his side of the hills there are towns all along the way, "unless you have a problem with night blindness." He didn't respond to that and went on to something else.
Anyway, I would be interested in hearing opinions: Do you think people you meet online should prewarn of disablities or should we all just look beyond this? Would you continue a friendship with this fellow? Would you tell him that he should tell women about his occular condition before meeting them?
Thanks.

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I understand why some people aren't upfront, and can empathize with why, but nonetheless, I don't agree with the choice to be deceptive. That's where we disagree. I realize it's not exactly the same issue, but I know some people online reject me because of my weight. But that's their choice. I could be deceptive about it, but where would that get me? I'd rather not have men who aren't open to dating someone my size not respond to me in the first place than be rejected after we meet for being overweight AND deceptive.
Sheri
Hello everybody
Fluffy: I am not certain of understanding what it is that you are attempting to express here:
However, no I don’t automatically assume that a man “vetoed” me because of the fact that I am a disabled person. For all I know, it could be for a myriad of other reasons. I believe that in an environment such as OLD, where “possible dates abound” we all must have and do have your criteria’s for “selection” and we “veto” according to them. I respect the fact that a man may “veto” me because I have CP or have brown eye and hair, or because I am “petite”. I also believe that in return, one would respect my “right” to veto a man because….. He does not look like Pierce Brosnan. ( I am kidding here but I know you get my point ;-))
Could I be missing out on a lot of great guys or Mr Right because he does not look like Pierce or “fit” my criteria”? Hel...yes, that’s very possible, but, again that’s my choice to make.
No one is perfect…. I am NOT perfect. I deal with my MANY imperfections the best way I know how; as honestly and respectfully as I can, not only for others but perhaps more importantly for myself.
As many posters pointed out, in my view also, the heart of the issue here is the man's honesty and not the person’s disability.
Have any of you ever had the impression that life is much like a game of cards?
Everyone must do the best they can with the hand he or she is dealt with; no matter how bad or good the cards seem to be.
At different points in the game, one must chose to: fold, bluff it out, or lay your cards on the table and “hope” or know that it may not be the best hand.
If you chose the last option you will at the least have the satisfaction of knowing that you played “the game” by the book”. In the end, one may not have won the game, but you may have earned the respect of other players and even more importantly respect for yourself.
In the game of finding love and sharing love, we all have your “strategies”, each with pros and cons. Like all of you, ;-P, I have chosen to play the hand life has dealt me as best I can. I have also chosen to but my cards on the table early on; for every man to see who I am and what I have to share and give. Is that the best way to “play the OLD or dating game”? I don’t know, I will keep you posted ….
Have a good lunch break.
W.
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We agree on the deceit...my point was I think the OP was using it as an excuse to avoid this man.
F
t was that point where you guessed his problem but he was silent that was the breaking point. Honestly, I think he did the right thing until then when you said, "unless you have a problem with vision". From that point on, he was not being forthright.
Well I know this is a long finished post . . . but in my boredom and looking for a thread about a specific situation I stumbled into this one and was saddened by it.
I have minor cerebal palsy (or it could have been a stroke at 6 months -no official diagnosis). Very Very minor - no walking aids required, no handicapp sticker on the car (too darn stubborn). I am extremely intelligent and successful and independant.
But it is a tough road to meet people - especially men.
I was on this message board a couple years ago - can't even remember the name i used... at that time I posted a Q - should I tell guys in OLD about this.
Sheri - because I valued your opinion on other threads - I was interested in your reply which was NO. They don't need to be told upfront and I should give them a chance to know me. LMAO Please don't ask my why I am so lame as to recall an answer you gave me years ago - but it was advice that I valued.
Now I hear your opinion of this is in direct conflict. I do agree that there is a sort of thresh-hold wear a disability becomes something people should tell about prior to meeting because a guy who avidly hikes would likely not want to date a girl in a wheelchair or who walks with a limp. It's valid and it's fair to choose not to date someone who is limited in their ability to do things that you like to do.
Anyway - - - People who know me literally "forget" that I walk funny. They see the intelligent and funny girl behind the bad leg. So I've taken the policy of not mentioning it in OLD because frankly I don't consider it to be an issue. Granted - I would NEVER allow a man to travel any distance to meet me without telling him (I've got my limits) . . . but jeesh - let's get over it her - a typical first meeting with OLD is just a quick get-together for coffee. What's the harm in the other person "wasting" their precious 30 minutes having coffee with me if they decide the limp is too big of an issue. I mean --- I've literally had men tell me upon meeting that had I told them I walk funny they'd likely not have met me - - but once they saw me and got to know me - they're glad I didn't tell.
You know - - when I go uptown or am in public and people give me that rude "what the hell is wrong with her" look - - - - it's like a knife in my heart. Most people don't do that though . . . but I'd put money on the fact that the OP would be staring.
(((hugs))) Sweetie.
Hello,
I could not help but adding this:
Yes, I can try and imagine how many men may have vetoed me.....
However, I do my best not to think about it longer then 30 seconds... Since I know there is notthing I can do about to change my condition and it is un-healthy for my moral....... At times, now, I just believe it is their lost...and their issues and not mine.
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