Revealing a Disability?
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| Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:52am |
What's your opinion: A fellow from an online dating service we both belong to e-mailed me and over a few weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls then set up a time to meet. He was always very sweet and soft spoken and is an educated professional. When we met, we greeted each other, shook hands, and he took off his sunglasses. I consider myself a compassionate person, but it was a literally a frightening shock to see that he has that condition in a severe form in which one eye is normal and the other is permanently fixed as if it's looking way up at 10:00 and I think it's even more prominent because his warm complexion makes the whites of his eyes really stand out.
My father lost an eye due to glaucoma in his latter years and in the past I worked very closely with two dear people I came to adore who had less severe cases of the same eye problem this fellow has, so I don't think I'm being a cruel snob, but I was a bit dazed and gradually upset that he didn't clue me in on this before we met. He had sent me three pictures of himself, but one was with sunglasses and the other two were taken at a distance, so I was unprepared.
He was thoroughly kind, brought me a dozen gorgeous roses, and couldn't have been sweeter. Nevertheless, I don't like how he handled this. Sometimes I'm a little suspicious of people who are very, very nice.
I can imagine that he has problems finding dates, but I'm sure there is an online dating service for people with disabilities or malformities. If I had his condition, that is where I would look and I certainly wouldn't spring it on anybody.
On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being cold. I do not want to continue the relationship because I think what he did was a little underhanded. I was the one who suggested where we could meet which is a place in the hills between his home on the coast and my place in the desert. I was puzzled about his worry about getting home before dark because of the windy roads and I told him that it shouldn't be a problem because on his side of the hills there are towns all along the way, "unless you have a problem with night blindness." He didn't respond to that and went on to something else.
Anyway, I would be interested in hearing opinions: Do you think people you meet online should prewarn of disablities or should we all just look beyond this? Would you continue a friendship with this fellow? Would you tell him that he should tell women about his occular condition before meeting them?
Thanks.

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Yes, I guess I have changed my mind on this. I would say it's a direct result of a couple more years of meeting people online who have not been upfront about themselves, and just being tired of that (although I haven't personally had the experience of someone not being upfront with me about a physical challenge).
But I can see your side also. It's a tough question, no doubt--but my tolerance for people not being upfront about themselves has decreased to zero due to my own personal experiences. So I would bring that baggage with me to a meet, and would be upset with someone who had not told me upfront. And the other part of it is, I personally would not have a problem meeting someone who had put in their profile, "I walk with a slight limp" or something like that. I'm emailing a man now who recently had 3 fingers partially amputated due to an accident...I appreciate the fact that he's been upfront about it and it's a non-issue. If he hadn't told me, though, then it would be an issue.
Sheri
I think it's how you present yourself. I remember when the surgeon was reviewing my MRI images in regards to my compressed spinal cord and indicated that this type of injury would land me in a wheelchair my first thought was..."I will never find a husband now." SERIOUSLY! But as I have come away from that surgery 5 years ago and know that this situation has made me a better person and wouldn't change it if it was offered up to me I am less concerned about finding a husband than I am taking good care of myself. I am proud of all I have been through as you should be knowing that you overcome obstacles every single day to accomplish things. Anyone without this in their lives cannot even fathom what it means to go home after a hard days work and know you made a difference AND did it a bit limited at that. I know my chances of finding someone is small because of my situation as most men want someone who is active and I am just not able to do those things anymore. The other part of this is I can do a bit more if I didn't work full-time but since I have an energy issue I choose to work full-time and spend that energy there than to stay home all day and doing other things with that energy.
There are great men in my life that I have met since all of this has happened. You can't imagine how much more I adore them because they see beyond my limitations. My young co-worker who looks at me with such admiration and respect knowing everything I go through everyday but never with any pity. My friend in FLA who when we decided to have him come visit me and I commented..."So you want to be seen with the crippled girl?" and he replied..."You want to be seen with this old guy??" It's all relative isn't it?
Hold your head up high and flirt like a mad woman. If they choose to not want to be a part of your life it's definitely their loss. Who really needs that type of superficial person in your life anyway???
Good Luck!!
F
Yes very touchy subject and I believe it is one of the grayest areas there could be.
With something degenerative or contagious, or fatal, I would want to know. MS is a debilitating and painful disease - and I would hate to watch someone suffer from that. It would be like dating someone for 6 months only to have him tell you oh by the way I've got cancer and last year I was given 3 years to live". Ouch.
I think my perspective is such as it is because I QUIT emailing people extensively in OLD. It's the common suggestion - not to get to know someone too much until you actually meet. So from my point of view if we have a couple of hours on msn or a few emails prior to meeting - then neither side has "wasted" a huge time investment. And as I said - if I were chatting with a man who is a good distance away - it would certainly be told before he or I made any journey (I've never yet travelled more than one hour for OLD).
I guess I'm a little sensitive though to some of the conditions that are being noted on here as having been noteworthy prior to meeting. A funny eye . . . a missing hand or few fingers. I would gladly trade a few fingers for a perfectly functioning leg so it hits home to hear that it is something that must be said prior to meeting. Could be though that the ladies who feel this way invest alot of time on the email/telephone etc prior to the first meet?
Again though - that is because I'm always so quick to meet I don't think the time I spend on IM with the men I meet is time that progresses to sharing such personal stuff . . . It's a "Hi how are you - wanna do coffee?".
But where do we draw the line with disclosure prior to meeting? I mean seriously - - do I need to report "Tonsils - in or out"? Do I need to disclose that I don't believe in flu shots . . . that my lineage has a history of heart attacks and breast cancer? I'd be far more worried dating a man who's dad and grandfather both died of hear failure at 48 than I would be worried dating a man who has a "odd" eye . . .
I don't generally spend a lot of time talking online or on the phone before meeting. To me it's not so much about the time invested (although that's part of it), it's about honesty. I'm just tired of feeling deceived by people I meet because they haven't been upfront about something that I feel is important (or they have outright lied in some cases). I'm not saying you are deliberately being deceptive by not telling people about your leg--I'm just trying to explain why I feel the way I do.
But you make a good point--where does one draw the line?
Sheri
Thinking some more about this, I think another possible factor is the element of surprise. People are nervous on first meets, and if they are confronted with something they didn't expect--whether it's a physical disability or a bald head or someone who is way older or more overweight than their pictures show--it makes them very, very uncomfortable and they don't know how to deal with it, and they can feel resentful that the other person didn't prepare them for it. So if you can remove the element of surprise by being upfront and matter of fact about something that will be evident when you meet, I think that helps the other person be more comfortable.
Now, if you are not concerned about that, that's fine...I'm just saying that's one possible factor.
Sheri
Hello Barbara Helene ( lovely name ;-))
I Just wanted to tell you to stand tall and stand proud....Look at where you are going and don't stop until you want to stop. With time, the looks, the whisperings and the painful stares in majority might, become unnoticeable to you..... You have a life to live too.
I too was born with cerebral palsy, I have what one may qualify as a mid range to serious state (I was in a wheelchair as a child but I walked on crutches since I was 14-15 years old.) So, please believe me when I tell you that I know what it feels to be stared at. However my state being seemingly more obvious when yours I can only imagine what does piecing little «what is wrong with her” looks feel like. So just remember stand tall stand proud... live and do your thing ... these knifes you feel will/might fade.
During I time in the OLD realm, I used Lavalife and I did disclose my state in my relationship profile and did not in my dating profile, because I believe that having CP did not prevent me from having coffee or dinner with anyone. However, before a meeting I would always "disclose" or remind of my disability. It was just a matter of honesty to me; it might also be understood as a good sign self-expectance which is always a plus in any situation ;-)
Yes, there were men who ghosted after my reminder or after reading my entire profile and I'm sure there are some others that thought the girl in the picture was cute but.... she had a disability.... and because of that they chose not to contact me. So be it, I do my best to respect their right to choose.
If a man has an issue with a disability, that’s understandable. However remember that the fact that this man or any other man as this issue with a disability does not make it an issue for you. Since there’s noting that anyone can do to change the fact that some of us are born with a disability. Just remember that it is their choice/ right not to “date” you. If need be, tell yourself its their lost, ;-) and then you‘re ready, move on to the next guy.
Hope that helps a little Take care
W/J
Edited 10/23/2006 1:06 pm ET by funnywinnie10
I'm not sure how you apparently managed to conclude that I judge a person's character based on whether or not they have a disability, or am "offended" by a person's disability, because that's definitely not the case, nor do I believe I have said or implied that anywhere in this thread or elsewhere for that matter.
I appreciate that everyone has different perspectives on saying something upfront, but in this situation, I liked the fact that he was upfront about it and would have felt a bit blindsided if he hadn't been.
Sheri
I think it's mainly the unexpected or surprise element, as I said in an earlier post. In any event, it's a moot point, since I won't have to see if I do feel blindsided or not when we meet, since the guy was upfront with me, and that is the point I'm trying to make.
Sheri
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