Revealing a Disability?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Revealing a Disability?
56
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 6:52am

What's your opinion: A fellow from an online dating service we both belong to e-mailed me and over a few weeks we exchanged letters and phone calls then set up a time to meet. He was always very sweet and soft spoken and is an educated professional. When we met, we greeted each other, shook hands, and he took off his sunglasses. I consider myself a compassionate person, but it was a literally a frightening shock to see that he has that condition in a severe form in which one eye is normal and the other is permanently fixed as if it's looking way up at 10:00 and I think it's even more prominent because his warm complexion makes the whites of his eyes really stand out.

My father lost an eye due to glaucoma in his latter years and in the past I worked very closely with two dear people I came to adore who had less severe cases of the same eye problem this fellow has, so I don't think I'm being a cruel snob, but I was a bit dazed and gradually upset that he didn't clue me in on this before we met. He had sent me three pictures of himself, but one was with sunglasses and the other two were taken at a distance, so I was unprepared.

He was thoroughly kind, brought me a dozen gorgeous roses, and couldn't have been sweeter. Nevertheless, I don't like how he handled this. Sometimes I'm a little suspicious of people who are very, very nice.
I can imagine that he has problems finding dates, but I'm sure there is an online dating service for people with disabilities or malformities. If I had his condition, that is where I would look and I certainly wouldn't spring it on anybody.
On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being cold. I do not want to continue the relationship because I think what he did was a little underhanded. I was the one who suggested where we could meet which is a place in the hills between his home on the coast and my place in the desert. I was puzzled about his worry about getting home before dark because of the windy roads and I told him that it shouldn't be a problem because on his side of the hills there are towns all along the way, "unless you have a problem with night blindness." He didn't respond to that and went on to something else.

Anyway, I would be interested in hearing opinions: Do you think people you meet online should prewarn of disablities or should we all just look beyond this? Would you continue a friendship with this fellow? Would you tell him that he should tell women about his occular condition before meeting them?
Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:21pm

Thanks shesellssanctuary.

It's not that I'm advocating secrecy . . . but as I said, I feel there are more pertinent details about oneself that make a difference. I mean - - I want to know if a man listens to rap music before meeting him so as to NOT meet the guy lol. I ask the questoins I want answered prior to meeting. I've even had a guy jokingly ask if I had both limbs and I honestly replied "yes but one isn't all that useful . . . " - and of course he asked me to elaborate which I did.

I know I will likely have this point argued and I also am well aware that it is going to sound as though I am insulting certain people for their comments and for that I truly do apologise but it is my opinion and I have to say it . . . Those who argue that they don't want to be blindsided or surprised by something out of the ordinary on a date, well I'm sorry but it's my thought that those are the individuals that would be most likely to give a person on the street or in a restaurant that awful double take look where their thoughts are so clearly painted on their face - "what the heck is wrong with that person". We see people with differences everyday in life - - should we segregate the "different" people to a different side of he street so that those walking by aren't uncomfortable because the person that they're about to pass is bald or in a wheelchair? No - - we deal with the differences.

Winnie ( I think that's your name - you have CP too) . . . I appreciate your comments. I can assure you that I do hold my head up . . . it's likely because I am so comfortable in my own skin that I don't see the need to share this detail of myself in the first couple chats with a person. I know what I have to offer and as I said in my first post to this thread - - anyone who knows me simply doesn't see the limp instead they see the smile. The times where I notice the rude looks are few and far between - - usually just on pms days does it bother me . . . otherwise I just hold their gaze with a smile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 10:41pm
I once knew a gal who had a very deformed right arm. She was the coolest chick and didn't let anything stop her. And all the guys loved her because of her personality - well that and she had a GTO all of them wanted....lol. I have a very good friend who is parapalegic (sp?). I admire him so much. He's got his own construction business, built his own house (with help from one nephew), and he Baja races so he's constantly working on his trucks. He has a difficult time dating and takes rejection hard. Such a wonderful guy with a lot to offer but also a lot to ask of someone, too. You're lucky you only have a limp (and I mean that in the most respectful way because I know it's not easy on your end either). I hope it goes better for ya.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:08am

Judge if you wish, but at least as far as I'm concerned, you could not be more wrong about that if you tried. You're comparing two totally different situations...a date is not the same as seeing someone on the street, for one thing...you're comparing apples and oranges, not to mention extrapolating to a degree that is beyond absurd.

I feel that you are trying extremely hard to not "hear" what I'm saying or see anyone else's POV but your own. So I will just say that if it makes you feel better to think that anyone who holds a different opinion on this topic must necessarily be a horrible, rude person who stares, then you go right on ahead.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 6:05am

I've been watching this thread with great interest and would like to add this. I think we all need to respect each others' choices here. Just as you said you would not meet a guy who likes rap music, what makes that different from a person who does not want to meet someone because of hair color or weight or skin color or a disability?


Preferences are preferences. I don't believe it's a personal attack or a statement of what a person would do when walking down the street or how they treat others in day to day life. I don't want to date a short man, it doesn't mean that I'm going to treat short people any differently than I treat tall people.


I completely respect where you're coming from, just realize that there are many points of views on the subject, none more "right" than the other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:01pm

I agree people all have preferences and I am certainly not disagreeing with that. I fully understand that if a guy loves to hike - then he may prefer not to go out with me . . . perfectly fair. Just as I can't imagine spending an evening at home listening to music with a bottle of wine with a man - if his music of choice is rap.

The question at hand is what needs to be divulged prior to meeting an online date.

Sheri - I did sincerely apologise prior to saying what I said there. I knew it would be taken as a blatant insult. I think it's the harshness of the term blindsided. When I hear that term I "see" a physical reaction if that makes sense . . . and not a politely composed reaction. I'm not sure that makes sense but the visual in my head to the term blindsided is someone being smacked on the side of the head with a 2x4 and the look of total shock on their face :-) Maybe that's an overactive imagination or perhaps you simply chose an exaggerated term for when you merely meant to describe a surprising situation in which you are able to maintain composure and not reveal that anything surprised you.

As I said - I'm not arguing with preferences in any way - - just with the original thought behind this thread - should it be revealed prior?

Perhaps we should consider the other persons responsibility in making a point of determining what is important to them prior to meeting online and actually asking the person. I wonder what the reaction would actually be in a chat/telephone conversation if those who wanted to know something prior to meeting - actually took the initiative to simply ask the question.

I mean - if a guy wants a large breasted woman - should he ask her cup size prior to meeting? LOL I do NOT think that would go over well :-)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:21pm

Again, I feel that my point is not being heard. I'm not saying that I would definitely not date someone who had a physical disability of some sort (because that's not true), but rather that I would want to be told beforehand rather than be surprised by it upon meeting. I don't know, I guess it just seems courteous to me to give someone a heads up, plus if it does turn out that the other person doesn't want to date someone with that type of disability then neither person has to go through the awkwardness of the meet.

I can't imagine having to go through a checklist of possible disabilities with someone in order to prevent that, when it's a simple matter for the other person to speak up.

I know for myself, I am careful to make sure that a person knows that I am overweight before meeting, through my ad/profile and my photos. And no, I am NOT trying to compare my weight to a physical disability, I realize it's NOT the same thing at all...I am just trying to make the point that I believe it's best to be upfront about things so the other person isn't surprised.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 3:06pm

I agree that I would certainly want to know up front if a person has a disability. I'm fairly certain that I woudlnt want to date someone who had a disability. Im sorry but life is hard enough without physical disabilities. I admire someone who is not physically disabled for dating someone who is.

A friend of mine has a husband who has a disease that will cause him to go blind. He's not blind yet, but she knew about this right from the start. It obviously didnt bother her because she married him. She did not date him online, she got to know him before any of this was discussed. I think he told her after about a month or so and by this point she didnt care at all. But if you havent even met someoen online and they tell you this, you might think, hmm, maybe i should not meet this person because in the long run, i could see this making my life difficult. My friend wants to have kids, her parents warned her how hard it will be once the husband goes blind, but she didnt care. Many people woudl, but can you blame them?

I would be very irritated if i showed up to a date and found that someone was disabled without telling me. That's rude. Most people do not consider it a plus if they're date shows up in a wheelchair. I'm not trying to be mean, but hiding things is wrong. What if i had blonde hair in my pics, then showed up as a brunette? Things like this just cause confusion...hiding a disability would lead to negative confusion unless the other person is a saint.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 3:22pm
what about if someone left out the fact that they were married or had a child? HOw would that be? Would that be acceptable?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 8:45pm

No of course not.. that's the same thing. It's all about full disclosure. Look, before I meet a guy I let him know that I have bum knees that I'm overweight in my eyes and that I travel about 80% of my time. From there, he has all the info he needs to know to make a good choice as to whether or not he wants to progress...


Full disclosure helps a lot of misunderstanding never come to fruition.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 8:48pm

You made an interesting point by saying "Perhaps we should consider the other persons responsibility in making a point of determining what is important to them prior to meeting online and actually asking the person."


But does that mean we have to forsee all the possibilities? I mean is it fair to say that I'm responsible if I don't ask the right questions? I don't know if that's fair. Each of us know our issues, our "things." Isn't it our responsibility to share that? I mean think about it... a person could go through a list of 20 questions and never find out what the real deal is.


Going back to your original question... should you reveal it? I say yes. Full disclosure at least lets everyone involved know that they are meeting the person, not a representative that would be better liked, ya know?


Like I said in another post, I let a guy know a lot of my negative qualities beforehand. If he still wants to meet, then he's looking to meet me, not something he's built in his head...